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Friend sent me werid text after party!

(111 Posts)
monkina Mon 09-Feb-15 20:29:38

My DD had 4th birthday party at weekend. A lady from school that I've become quite good friends with ( play dates, trips to cinema, coffee etc) came with her daughter (who ill call Nancy) who is same age.

She has an older sibling 9 yes old (who I'll call Isla) who didn't come to the party. I hadn't formally invited her, but had assumed she would come along if she fancied it.

Anyway, party was a great success, 30 kids, a few older siblings came too, some had texted to ask if OK, & some just turned up, & that was fine with me as I'd deliberately made extra food etc in case. We had a bouncy castle & face painter and everyone seemed happy. Nancy & her mum left smiling.

Next day I get a text to say " just to warn you Isla is planning to a accost you in school yard to ask why she wasn't invited to the party. Am trying to gently dissuade her from this plan but she is sure there is something she can do to be invited next time! Hopefully she'll have forgotten all about it by next seeing you- but just in case!"

I replied to say I was sorry to hear Isla was upset, it was thoughtless of me not to have made it clearer to everyone that siblings were welcome , and will give her an extra special party bag plus some face paints next time I see her.

No reply from friend that afternoon, nor by bedtime. I'm sat feeling dreadful as I know Isla is a sensitive child & has recently suffered a bereavement, so am now thinking I've added to her current upset.

I therefore decide to sent a text before bed, " I really do feel dreadful about Isla, guess I just assumed she would come along if she fancied it. I'm now kicking myself that I did not properly invite her. I know she's still grieving too, hope she's OK, sorry again for my oversight. Love mexxxxx

No reply.

Next day on train into work get text, " Hi , please don't do that- I think it will make her feel worse! She'll forget all about it in a while".

WTF?!!! So I spend whole day feeling awful, confused, bewildered and cross that my friend has offered me no reassurance whatsoever, despite knowing I'm worrying I've upset her daughter!!!

She refused my offer of a party bag via text, saying it will, " remind her she may have missed out".

Can anyone shed any light on this???....why did she feel the need to worry me, & then refused to let me try and make amends?

AFingerofFudge Mon 09-Feb-15 20:32:42

er....sounds like "Isla" wasn't that bothered in the first place, and it was all about her mum!!

TerryTheGreenHorse Mon 09-Feb-15 20:32:44

She's in a mood becasue she thought you didn't invite her older one but you invited other older siblings.

Rather than just say oh I didn't realise it was for siblings too for reasons only known to her she is communicating for her child in a weird and passive aggressive fashion.

You've done your bit, I'd ignore it now and not mention it again.

People can just be bloody weird sometimes.

AFingerofFudge Mon 09-Feb-15 20:35:06

My warning klaxon would be sounding, only because I got my fingers burnt badly making friends a few years ago with a mum at school who appeared to be completely normal at first, only for me to find out a couple of years down the line when I thought I had a good friendship with her that she had borderline personality disorder. It didn't end well
Not that I'm saying that in this case, but it often takes an incident like this to work out who are the proper good friends and who should be avoided.

CrispyFern Mon 09-Feb-15 20:35:31

Maybe they're all feeling sensitive due to the bereavement. Just try to forget about it I'd say.

monkina Mon 09-Feb-15 20:35:45

Thanks a finger & Terry, its been bothering me all day in work!! I'm so confused & hate feeling like I've inadvertently upset someone!

Henbur1702 Mon 09-Feb-15 20:36:41

I think this is the mum speaking through Isla. She was obviously fine with it all and presumably so was Isla. IMO she has turned up at the party sen other siblings and decided to make a point that Isla didn't get to go. It's now backfired as you are worrying about Islas feelings and trying to compensate, which will make her look an arse if Isla turns round and says "err??"

OhMittens Mon 09-Feb-15 20:41:45

Don't worry about it and don't do anything else. If her mum was being nice and/or genuine she would have been touched at your response which seems very pleasantly toned and with the offer of the party bag as a sweetener. (I personally question the mum sending the text in the first place though).

So once you had made it clear you were sorry her Isla was upset etc it was HER TURN to text back to accept the apology (not that there was anything massive to apologise for IMO) and say that was very kind of you, and Isla would love a party bag. (that would be the polite thing to do and she should encourage Isla to see that you cared that her feelings were hurt enough to send her a party bag which is a nice thing to be offered).

I think it was the Mum who took umbrage at her Isla apparently not being invited once she saw other siblings there. So she has guilt tripped you, you have responded innocently and nicely and she doesn't quite know what to do with that. So then you have responded even more nicely and she cracks and backs down because she know's she's been out of order.

*NB: Too long, didn't read: the Mum has been an ass, forget it. smile

cosmicglittergirl Mon 09-Feb-15 20:41:59

That mother sounds overly dramatic, why didn't she just ask if Isla could come? She's making a big deal out of nothing and being rude trying to make you feel bad. I imagine it'll play on your mind, but like a PP said, try to forget about it.

angelicjen Mon 09-Feb-15 20:42:28

It seems like passive-aggressive manipulation to me. Don't let it get to you. It sounds like you put on a lovely party and were a very thoughtful host. Your friend sounds like she has trouble saying what she means. She could easily have asked in advance if sensitive Isla was invited or not. And now she's skirting round it and causing you unnecessary worry. Maybe she feels guilty she forgot to bring her own daughter. Let it drop, you've done nothing wrong.

TidyDancer Mon 09-Feb-15 20:43:12

I agree, this is very likely to be the mum speaking through the child. If the child was that bothered, the mum would've asked before the party if she could go.

Hissy Mon 09-Feb-15 20:43:20

Wtf would any 9 yo be doing "accosting" an adult?

I'd have suggested to mum of the year to make sure she reminds her 9 yo of her manners!

No way my 9yo ds would say anything to an adult. I also think this is a pa attempt by the parent to shame you into feeling guilty for not having her to the party.

Mum needs to butt out.

zzzzz Mon 09-Feb-15 20:43:40

Sounds fine to me. She wanted to let you know Isla had a plan to accost you so you wouldn't be embarrassed, and she thinks a party bag will make the little girl pine for longer. No big deal. Just carry on.

sonjadog Mon 09-Feb-15 20:44:12

Presumably if Isla has just been bereaved, her mum has too? Maybe she is in a difficult and sensitive place right now. Give her the benefit of the doubt and let it go.

pepperpigmustdie Mon 09-Feb-15 20:45:24

Yep mum was more pissed off than Isla. Weird.

I would absolutely bring it up next time you see Isla

Only1scoop Mon 09-Feb-15 20:45:51

Islas mum needs to get over herself....you sound lovely stop feeling bad this instance!! smile

Charlotte3333 Mon 09-Feb-15 20:45:58

See this is why my friends all have a policy where we specifically ask "is it for all siblings or just one?" around parties. YS had a party at home in jan and as it was an animal one, I thought best to keep numbers low. A few texted to ask if other siblings could come, I said sorry to have to refuse but no, just YS' friends and nobody was upset.

My boys regularly go to parties without one another. It's a fact of life, and one which children need to get used to. Not unreasonable at all.

museumum Mon 09-Feb-15 20:47:22

Erm... Maybe it's true??
Maybe "Isla" was upset, but she's getting over it, forgetting about it, kids often move on quite quickly to more immediate concerns, last thing she needs is reminding of it with a party bag at some point in the future.
Her mum could have been waiting to see how Isla went, the texts were only over one day, a child can be upset at lunch and forgotten about it by bedtime. Or other times they're not ok.

DoJo Mon 09-Feb-15 20:49:22

It sounds like the original text was lighthearted and she might have been a bit surprised at your response as she was assuming you would laugh it off rather than take it to heart. Either way, I wouldn't worry about it any more - you've come out of it well, so whether there was a passive aggressive undertone or not, I think she will get that you are kind and generous.

LoofahVanDross Mon 09-Feb-15 20:49:46

It is the mum and nothing to do with Isla. I Cant see a 9 year old being so upset and offended that she didn't attend a 4 years olds party.

And when she said the offer of the party pag would make her pine for longer, is the woman stark raving mad, or is these child a bit too delicate. Mot kids only want the party bag anyway.

imjustahead Mon 09-Feb-15 20:49:52

Isla's mum should have opened her gob in the first place and asked her 'friend' if siblings were allowed.

Isla's mum is being ridiculous, and as others have said, speaking through Isla.

monkina Mon 09-Feb-15 20:50:44

Thanks for the replies. Its good to have other perspectives on this, I've just been unable to process the situation, and feel sad and cross at myself, and my friend!

The irony is that the party was held at a place only 5 mins by car from friends house, so her partner could easily have dropped other girl up if shed called him- they have a car each, so would have been possible!

RandomMess Mon 09-Feb-15 20:51:41

I'd take it on face value. Isla was upset etc. and her mum was worried/embarrassed that she was going to create a scene at school and thought that forewarned was forearmed!!!

Sounds like Isla had worked through her feelings about it all and moved on.

LlamaLove Mon 09-Feb-15 20:51:55

The mother sounds like a bit of a nutter tbh.

I suspect as others have said Isla couldnt give 2 hoots or is totally unaware of what she "missed" because she wasn't there to see it. Its Mum who had the bee in her bonnet abd obviously was offended Isla hadnt been invited too - assuming other siblings had been.

Most people would have just left it and not dwelt on this and moved on.

She has acted passive aggressively - bullshittingly and sounds slightly unhinged!

Distance yourself and ignore.

LoofahVanDross Mon 09-Feb-15 20:52:23

Pus the mum should never have sent the first text. If Isla had been uset and said she was going to speak to the mum about none being invited then the mum should have explained that not every party in the world means she is automatically invited At 9 years old she should be old enough to understand that. Plus Isla should have had it explained to her that it would be extremely rude to have a go at the party girls mum.

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