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Quick! Am I?

(20 Posts)
ExitStageLeft Mon 09-Feb-15 16:38:53

Husband is on way home and I need some independent perspective:

DH and I have been together 9 years, when we met we both smoked - me socially and selectively, him 10-15 a day. 9 years later, I don't smoke and he continues to smoke the same.

I don't ever mag him to give up but do encourage him to see the health benefits of giving up, not least because he's developed a nasty cough and we now have two children who I would like to actually have a father hmm

A few weeks ago I was looking on our family kitchen calendar and noticed under today was "Stop smoking day 1". I asked him and he said today was national stop smoking day and he was going to give it a go. I said how was he going to try and he said he thought with electronic cigs. Nothing more said.

Last week, DH did nothing workwise. He stayed at home every day and did nothing. Nothing. I said a couple of times, remember next week, you should walk to that shop that sells all the electric cig stuff and he kept saying "yeah I will."

DH does nothing to organise himself, I do everything. He has nothing to think about apart from
His job and his social life. PPI paperwork has been in our hall for 6 months because he hasn't bothered to go to the bank and print a statement.

Today, at 9:30 I phoned and said how was the Non-
And he just bit my head off and said "not good, I didn't get the stuff did I?"

I got annoyed and said "God you just can't organise yourself for anything! Why sm can't you just get organised and plan?" Then I got shitty about even saying he was going to try when he clearly had no intention.

This is now descended into me trying to control homesick is his (and his fathers) stick answer for everything.

Who's being unreasonable?

Bowlersarm Mon 09-Feb-15 16:45:08

Maybe he's not quite ready yet? Stopping/cutting down is huge, and maybe the deadline is one which isn't his - the national one, and urged on by you to set this date - and he needs to set his own date to stop.

Sn00p4d Mon 09-Feb-15 16:47:03

Both of you really.

He's a grown up, stop micro managing him, if he doesn't do things then he's the one who will lose out, you don't need to do it all for him and you've probabaly created a monster by doing everything for as long as you have.

That said he shouldn't be snapping at you because he hasn't done things he said he was going to.

Neither of you are blameless, he's letting you run about after him, you're snapping at him when he doesn't do anything. Baby steps, back off a bit and let him look after himself. If you don't jump in and do everything for him it might encourage him to do a bit more for himself?

ExitStageLeft Mon 09-Feb-15 17:15:26

Well, ultimately I do stand to miss out if he's dead.....

SistersOfPercy Mon 09-Feb-15 17:21:49

A smoker wont stop until they are ready and all pressure does is turn to failure and secret smoking.
Been there, worn the t shirt and have been quit for about six years. It only worked when I did it for myself and not because dh was nagging.

DoJo Mon 09-Feb-15 17:54:26

I don't ever mag him to give up but do encourage him to see the health benefits of giving up

Already this is a contradiction - unless he is monumentally stupid, he will know that giving up would be better for his health, so clearly you are exerting some degree of pressure on a low-level basis all the time.

Unless he asked asked for your help or direct encouragement with giving up, I think you need to leave it alone. If he wants to do it for himself, then he will, but if you take it upon yourself to keep 'reminding' him and 'mentioning' it then he is only going to dig his heels in.

I think you need to either admit that you are on his case about it and discuss is properly or let him do what he wants on his own timescale. There is nothing more annoying that someone telling you to do something you were already planning to do, and if you are treating it as another job for you rather than an achievement for him, then I can see why he isn't feeling motivated.

Sn00p4d Mon 09-Feb-15 18:01:57

When you met he was a smoker, as were you, I don't think the "I stand to miss out if he's dead" argument really floats. People die for all sorts of reasons, yes smoking is bad for his health, it was bad for yours too but you still did it. If he wants to quit he will, you can't force him.

LuisSuarezTeeth Mon 09-Feb-15 18:05:41

DH does nothing to organise himself, I do everything.

Stop doing it then.

Dragonfly71 Mon 09-Feb-15 18:07:05

As someone on day 7 of no smoking with a vaper thing - my opinion! Just be nice, give him a hug and say, never mind I'm sure you'll do it when you're ready. He already wants to give up. He knows the health benefits. If you believe he can do it so will he. This is something you can't organise for him. And YANBU to be pissed off - just don't show it!! Any stress just makes the smoker reach for another fag......

FayKorgasm Mon 09-Feb-15 18:07:28

Neither dh or I have ever been smokers so I may be very wrong in my opinion but for goodness sake leave him alone. He knows smoking is bad for him and he will give up when he is ready. Mithering him about electronic cigarettes is only going to put him off giving up.

SweetValentine Mon 09-Feb-15 18:11:15

Yabu

PtolemysNeedle Mon 09-Feb-15 18:15:11

YABU.

Apologise for nagging him, because that is what you did, and if your are about him stopping smoking that much, then why can't you just buy him an e cig yourself? I know you shouldn't have to, but focussing on that misses the point.

You care about him, you want him to stop smoking. That's not going to happen unless you are supportive, because giving up smoking is bloody hard.

ExitStageLeft Mon 09-Feb-15 23:02:01

Thanks all for your advice.

Summerisle1 Tue 10-Feb-15 00:13:59

The only person who can take responsibility for your DH giving up smoking is your DH. He has to be ready to give up and he has to make the effort to do so. You can nag and mither him all you like. This is almost certainly going to have a counterproductive effect.

NeedABumChange Tue 10-Feb-15 00:49:19

Sorry but he was a smoker when you met him, a smoker when you married him, a smoker when you had kids. He's a smoker, it's up to him if he quits, the fact you have is irrelevant.

I say this as the anti-smoking queen!

TheAnalyst Tue 10-Feb-15 06:33:21

I am kind of on his side here!

"I thought I would give anti-smoking a go..."

(Yay! Your normally incapable husband made a leap!)

"Did you get that stuff yet?"

"No"

"Did you get that stuff yet?"

"No"

"Did you get that stuff yet?"

"No"

"Did you get that stuff yet?"

"I AM MOVING TO MILTON KEYNES"

You're not being totally horrible though - it's only because you care about his health, and he should know that.

ExitStageLeft Tue 10-Feb-15 07:04:34

I can see how I was nagging him now, I just find it so frustrating that he tells me he wants to quit but doesn't do anything to actually do it. I do know how hard it is to quit, but I suppose as most have said he's just not ready yet.

I'm particularly phobic if that's the right word at the moment about him developing cancer because my sister has cancer at the moment.

Thanks for all your input, I can see how I've been coming across now.

ExitStageLeft Tue 10-Feb-15 07:08:17

And I'm desperately trying not to laugh at the Milton Keynes comment....clearly that's not in the least bit humorous....grin

In my defence though, I do take exception to being a nag! DH lives the life of bloody Riley with me and I don't nag about anything. He's a nice old goat really, I just don't want him to die....

PotOfYoghurt Tue 10-Feb-15 07:11:23

It's understandable, op, especially with the family history- which I'm sorry to hear about. flowers

But I am pleased to see an AIBU where the op actually listens to the advice given and can admit when they're wrong! Perhaps there's hope for the rest of the board yet?

ExitStageLeft Tue 10-Feb-15 08:00:02

I'm an inspiration yoghurt....

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