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To think DH should help me with house stuff when I return to work.

(69 Posts)
RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:07:13

Bit of background. NC to avoid RL people knowing everything about me grin
3 DC one SEN
I gave up work to care for SEN dc1- DH started off right at the bottom of the ladder at this time at work- he was very depressed and thought he'd never do well in his chosen occupation- I encouraged a work change, supported him all the way, even he has acknowledged that he wouldn't be where he is now without me .

I've singled handedly raised the children from when DC3 was born This period saw DH away from us we only saw him Friday night/Saturday, he was off on Sunday to travel to work. This lasted for seven years. DH has done really well- I've had NO help at all, no friends, family,childcare other than nursery allowed hours/school. I'm no lazy arse. I have done everything in our home from gardening/DIY/Admin/cars/decorating I also volunteer locally etc. I've wanted to support the family wholeheartedly and did so knowing it wouldn't last forever.

I've wanted to return back to work for a while but DC1 has made this tricky. We're now at the point where I can and I have accepted a job part time of 25 hours a week. Some days we don't get home till 9pm with the clubs two of the children do and life like everyone else is hectic. My concern is DH has said he is not going to help with the housework when he is home as he wants to unwind and relax - he stays away in five star hotels and everything is taken care of as you can imagine. He goes off on Monday morning (late) and returns Friday morning. AIBU to think he could help in some way now my hours will be cut back. I think I will really struggle to do work/work planning/kids extra curricular stuff/all house stuff whilst DH sleeps. I do all the weekend activities whilst dh lies on the sofa and sleeps from about 11am onwards. Seeing people we know work together even with one partner working fewer hours is making me feel resentful

I ideally want him to do at least a few hours and have told him so- he's said it's too much for him and if I don't think I can cope then I should not take the job.

AIBU- thank you.

Fudgeface123 Mon 09-Feb-15 13:10:37

I'd be taking the job and kicking his lazy arse out, that's not a partnership, he can't even be arsed staying awake to interact with you or the kids when he's home.

He sounds like a pig

OFrabjousDay Mon 09-Feb-15 13:11:39

If you left him he'd have to keep his own house wouldn't he?

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:12:20

Fudge I appreciate I've made him sound really bad but his hours are VERY long some nights he works as late as 2 am that's why his work put him up in such good accommodation. His hours are longer than mine

Heels99 Mon 09-Feb-15 13:12:30

He doesn't want things to change. He likes not bothering to do anything with kids or hous. This has been the norm for several years. I can't see him changing no matter how unreasonable that is. Rod for back?
Hire a cleaner or au pair or nanny or some kind of mothers help.
He can't be relied in and will drive you crazy nagging him.

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:13:09

Mind you, I guess my job- our jobs as mothers we are seldom off are we?

WizardOfToss Mon 09-Feb-15 13:13:18

Well, where to begin. It beggars belief. You are correct that you are no lazy arse. Unfortunately your husband is.

I really hope your are going to find strength to stand up for yourself. There'll be some wise MNetters along in a mo to offer some practical advice.

Anyway, YANBU - far far from it.

diddl Mon 09-Feb-15 13:13:21

"if I don't think I can cope then I should not take the job."


Why is the housework just your domain?

So what he's saying is don't take the job as he wants to contribute nothing to the house that he lives in??

Or help out with the cooking/washing/cleaning that his kids create?

If he comes home Fri morning that's plenty of time for a couple of hrs doing nothing & a couple of hrs house work!

SaucyMare Mon 09-Feb-15 13:13:50

my hubby (i love saying that now i know how much it pisses some folks off)
arrives home 7pm friday leaves again 6pm sunday, stays in travel lodges.
He is a full time parent whilst at home.

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:14:37

He won't have a cleaner- he doesn't want someone else in our house. I could only afford one if I was working too.

By the way, he'd not notice if the place was a shit hole I've been ill before and not done anything for days and he's not OCD like some husbands I know.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Feb-15 13:14:38

YANBU to have the expectation that he will only "help" to take care of his own home and his own kids

Goneintohibernation Mon 09-Feb-15 13:15:14

Wow, he really is not part of any kind of partnership with you at all is he. What is his input into family life, apart from money?

AnyFucker Mon 09-Feb-15 13:15:55

you are married to a neanderthal but I am afraid you have enabled it so far

time to get tough, and the first thing to do is stop using terms like "help" in his own home, closely allied with "babysitting" his own dc

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:16:27


I honestly though you were all gong to pile into me and call me a lazy bitch and tell me I should be thankful I've not had to work the last ten years.

DH is lazy I think yes. He isn't a pig.

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:16:58

babysitting is not used AF- they are his children.

MoanCollins Mon 09-Feb-15 13:17:26

I'd kick him out. He's not there all week then comes home and sleeps. If he was spending the weekend relaxing with you and the kids might be different, but he seems to be treating you like a glorified flop house.

basgetti Mon 09-Feb-15 13:17:32

Of course he should but the reality is that he won't so it's up to you if you want to tolerate him being so lazy and disrespectful to you. Personally I wouldn't be willing to continue in a relationship with someone who was happy to lie on the sofa watching me run myself ragged and ignoring his own children.

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:17:42

I am going to show him this thread I think.

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:18:54

MoanCollins he does come out with us at the weekend- he just sleeps too much I think and is very unhealthy- shit food during the week/zero sleep.

Goneintohibernation Mon 09-Feb-15 13:19:05

But from what you say you have been working your socks off for the last 10 years, looking after 3 DC, one with SEN, and running the home single handed. Fair enough if your DH wants to continue being lazy, but in that case he needs to agree to a cleaner to pick up the work you won't have time to do.

MoanCollins Mon 09-Feb-15 13:21:11

I don't think it's fair to say the OP has 'enabled' him. She was at home looking after the home and children while he was working, as someone on another thread posted this does work for a lot of people. But when things change if a partner won't change therein lies the problem.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Feb-15 13:21:26

it's a mindset isn't though, Roc

he thinks the home is your domain, and actually so do you

both of you are going to have to make big changes in your outlook

a couple more examples of this from what you have typed here

1) you think the money for a cleaner should come out of our salary when both of you would be benefitting from it

2) you imply that other women's husbands who like and contribute to a clean and tidy home are "OCD"...that is actually verging on offensive

3) you are going along with Mr Almighty Cock prnouncing he doesn't want "strangers" in the house but refuses to do the shit work himself

Need I go on...your own posts are littered with this crap

You need to read "Wifework" and get your own head on straight before you even try to tackle your lazy and entitled husband

AnyFucker Mon 09-Feb-15 13:21:59

money for a cleaner out of your salary...sorry, typo

RocQuinoa Mon 09-Feb-15 13:23:23

That's what I think too GINH,

Unfortunately DH's family are not and have never been supportive to me and our situation, they wanted me out of the house and working full time as soon as I'd finished Mat leave(DC1). They've frequently made digs at me being a pampered spoilt woman of leisure. I think they've done a right number on me.

We are now estranged from Dh's family (Thank God)

WizardOfToss Mon 09-Feb-15 13:23:51

You thought we were going to pile into you and call you a lazy bitch? confused

I fear you've got a warped view of what is normal in a partnership, whether one parent is a SAHP or not. Many, many parents work full time and do their fair share at home. It's totally normal.

Looking after DC and running a home is hard bloody work - it doesn't sound like you've been recognised for that by him, or yourself.

Time to wake up!

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