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Unsure about new friend. Wwyd?

(21 Posts)
IThinkUStink Sun 08-Feb-15 22:34:42

I've namechanged so I don't out myself.

A few months ago I met a woman at my ds school. She seemed really nice, friendly and good fun. In the following months we've become good friends of a sort. We go for lunches, have taken our kids out for dinner together and generally get on really well.
The problem is this. She bitches about another woman that I vaguely know. She on the other hand is/was apparently good friends with her. She makes accusations that this woman has stolen from her but never says anything directly to her. She lies to her (and other people as far as I can tell) in my presence (via txt) but always assures me (with no comment or prompting from me) that she would never do this to me.
She does on the other hand make plans with me and then cancels at the last minute (blaming either hangovers or her boyfriend).
I'm feeling like a bit of a mug because I think shes realised that I'm pretty much alone and sees me as someone that will be there for her, as and when she wants but is equally happy to drop me when I'm not needed. This is what im beginning to think has happened with this other woman. I also think she 'dropped' her for me.
Her credibility isn't good. She obviously trusts me as she's told me many things that could get her into trouble but all of these things have involved her lying to other individuals or government agencies.

I'm feeling a bit weirded out by her. I'm also a bit gutted. I'm a lone parent and don't have many friends or support. I was really hoping when we met, and got on like we did that we would become good friends. I find it very hard to meet new people and making new friends is difficult for many reasons, including very rarely being able to leave the house without my dc.

i don't know what to do. I'm a bit lonely at times (like other Lps I'm sure) and Its been really nice having a friend that seems to like me and likes spending time with me but I don't trust her. I wonder a bit if she's seen an easy mark in me and at some point I'll be headed the same way as her other 'friend'.

WWYD? keep the friendship going as is...or start creating a bit of distance?

Bumbiscuits Sun 08-Feb-15 22:37:27

Create distance, she sounds like hard work.

Lepaskilf Sun 08-Feb-15 22:38:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MightyMightyToros Sun 08-Feb-15 22:40:16

Do you believe her when she has to cancel or do you think they are just excuses?

It seems harsh that you have only known her a couple of months and she has already let you down so frequently.

FarFromAnyRoad Sun 08-Feb-15 22:41:08

I'm sorry. She will ditch you. It's only a matter of 'when' not 'if'. And then it'll be you she's slagging off to the next 'victim'. I'd really put some brakes on this now - a bit of distance - be busy, don't be available etc.

Bumbiscuits Sun 08-Feb-15 22:41:18

Saying that, there's no harm in you having the friendship and enjoying the company but not giving too much of yourself over to her iyswim? Keep it light.

I'm friends with people who I like and who after spending time with them I feel good about it and look forward to next time. Anything other than that isn't worth the effort IMO.

BrianButterfield Sun 08-Feb-15 22:44:47

I'd say you can probably be friendly with her but not necessarily friends, if that makes sense. I work with people I don't particularly trust and who I suspect of being a bit back stabbing - but I can still have a light chat to pass the time of day with them, you know? I just don't divulge too much and keep it to inoffensive things we have in common - kids, etc.

Caronaim Sun 08-Feb-15 22:47:55

you deserve nicer friends than this.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 08-Feb-15 22:50:14

I would certainly distance myself, she is bad news. If she's bitching about these other ladies, what's she saying about you.

namelessposter Sun 08-Feb-15 22:51:30

I would look to make friends with her Friend B. Who is probably quite same and nice. Then you can
Have a lovely time bitching about friend A (the villain of this piece) whilst drinking prosecco and making a sucked-lemon face. This is what I would do. Sorted :-)

Bluepants Sun 08-Feb-15 22:55:46

Distance. But do it carefully as she sounds like she could be a bit nasty.

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 08-Feb-15 22:56:24

Distance yourself! Make space for new friendships with decent people. This has less chance of happening, while you waste time and energy on this lady and her negativity/ backstabbing/ lying/ etc.

AmantesSuntAmentes Sun 08-Feb-15 22:56:26

Distance yourself! Make space for new friendships with decent people. This has less chance of happening, while you waste time and energy on this lady and her negativity/ backstabbing/ lying/ etc.

Hypotenuse Sun 08-Feb-15 22:56:42

If it were me I'd be worried about what she'll say about you once this blows up. She's telling everyone her last friend is a thief. She'll have something to say about you too. I'd back away carefully.

IThinkUStink Sun 08-Feb-15 22:58:00

Thanks guys flowers
You've all said what I've been thinking. I guess this is why I started this thread, to get some validation of my feelings of unease about her.
I think a bit of distance would probably be a good thing.

nameless good idea grin although I'd have to swap the prosecco for gin. I'm also not very good at bitching or lying. I think this is why I've been feeling funny about her.

AddToBasket Sun 08-Feb-15 23:02:25

I would be careful about dropping her, though. She sounds like she could be nasty if pushed. Maybe a gentle programme of disengagement

Minshu Sun 08-Feb-15 23:03:31

I've known a couple of women like this in the past. The real clincher is when they start telling you what mutual friends are supposedly saying about you to her... Back away from her!

AlfAlf Sun 08-Feb-15 23:10:37

I've been in a similar friendship situation (years ago now..). I'd recently moved to a new place and didn't have any friends in the area, and became friends with a woman that had similar age dc. But I gradually realised that was al we had in common, really. She was awfully bitchy about just about everyone (for example her SIL was apparently a terrible person because her daughter had lots of clothes confused), meeting up became a negative experience for me and I always felt drained after. I also became paranoid, wondering what holes she was picking in me behind my back!
I gradually distanced myself and met nicer friends. Sometimes you need to close one door so another door can open, let her go and make space for others.

IThinkUStink Sun 08-Feb-15 23:12:33

I agree with being careful. I already don't trust her so I'll be extra careful with creating the distance.
Luckily I haven't told her anything personal or anything that I wouldn't be happy with everyone knowing so she has nothing to use against me, iykwim.

This thread has really has clarified things for me. Friends are a wonderful thing but this 'friendship' really is more trouble than it's worth.

Thanks flowers

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 08-Feb-15 23:14:00

Be under no illusion. If she is slagging others off behind their back then there's a very high chance she's doing it to you.

MyIronLung Sun 08-Feb-15 23:18:45

That's what I think too.

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