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Aibu to think that a wedding is about the couple and not the family?

(66 Posts)
Lepaskilf Sat 07-Feb-15 22:17:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppySausage Sat 07-Feb-15 22:21:02

This exact issue has stopped my wedding plans as I just found it too stressful! Will try again soon!

redexpat Sat 07-Feb-15 22:21:53

In theory yes. If others are contributing financially then they get some say.

Is it your wedding? Getting out of hand already?

LizardBreath Sat 07-Feb-15 22:21:56

Dreading mine at the moment for exactly this reason. So difficult.

Pixa Sat 07-Feb-15 22:25:54

We wanted our wedding to be about our respective immediate families becoming one big family, with that in mind, we had a teeny tiny wedding with parents and siblings only. It was blissful.

littleleftie Sat 07-Feb-15 22:28:58


I had a tiny wedding and it was so lovely both times

Do you have a MIL/DMZILLA to deal with OP?

If so, just elope without warning grin

Mehitabel6 Sat 07-Feb-15 22:31:19

It depends who is paying for it. Best to pay for it yourself and then you can have exactly what you want.

Dragonlette Sat 07-Feb-15 22:35:28

This is why it's taken us nearly 10 years to get round to getting married. We've told our respective families that we have a limit of 20 people (that's parents, siblings and nieces/nephews), nobody else is invited and nobody gets a say in what we do. I'm looking forward to it now I know I won't have hundreds of people looking at me and won't have spent thousands of pounds we don't have on one day.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff Sat 07-Feb-15 22:36:15

I hope you aren't unreasonable, I don't want any guests at mine!

tellmemore1982 Sat 07-Feb-15 22:36:36

redexpat - I disagree that if families are contributing financially they should get some say. Consideration, respect and gratitude yes, but no power over decisions. A contribution should be for the love and support of the couple not to buy seats for people the b&g don't have a connection with.

It's important for families to feel a part of the day but this should be achieved by paying for the privilege.

OP if you feel your family are taking over, take a step back and tell them it's getting overwhelming, that you and dp want to take a breather for a bit so you can work out what's most important to you.

And don't ask for input if you don't want it, it can make you sound as though you're uncertain of what you want and if you don't like the input you then have to find a way to politely ignore it.

tellmemore1982 Sat 07-Feb-15 22:38:27

*not be achieved... Oops!

LaVolcan Sat 07-Feb-15 22:39:07

MILzilla - good name. I had one of those!

DeanKoontz Sat 07-Feb-15 22:39:22

We went to a wedding recently where the priest gave a lovely talk about how a wedding was the coming together of two families and how enriched everyone's lives could be because of that. He spoke about how the bride and groom were who they were because of their families and how aware they should be of everything that had shaped their personalities and their journey to find each other.

He was a lovely guy and very down to earth. He put it much better that I just have. I thought it was really lovely as I'd never thought of a wedding in those terms before.

However, it's your day. You do it the way you want and invite who you want.

RattieofCatan Sat 07-Feb-15 22:40:00

Yasnbu. Dp and I have had many discussions about this with our upcoming nuptials! He caves to pressure from family, I'm thinking fuck em all. So he's now organising the meal and party because I CBA to do that because he wanted family there and got cornered into inviting others. I'd have been happy with eloping! I've had a lot of family "fun" with my wedding. I booked the date a month ago and when the latest slot on our preferred date would mean family leaving home in rush hour I started looking at other dates and suddenly between my two sisters I had one date that I was "allowed" between mid-april and september! I took the slot on the day that I originally wanted and they can leave at rush hour.

Must admit though, he stood up to his dad last week who had a mate sitting next to him and told dp that the mate was coming hmm dp corrected him before I had a chance, cheeky fucker. It was a massive deal for him as he rarely says no to his dad and if he does (usually if it affects me and i veto it or is just so absurd that even dp can see its stupid), I get blamed as a "bad influence" hmm same person tried to get us to have the wedding two hours away from us because its closer to him and he doesn't want to be put out. Has been guilt tripping dp because dp won't invite the extended family, who are "such a tight knit group" who spent DPs childhood making it clear that he wasn't considered part of the family. He did this at dps man's funeral three days before Christmas whilst we were sat in the church before the service. The funeral of a woman this guy hadn't seen since he split from dps mum when he was a young child, he came purely to try get dp to agree to things when he was in a shit place.

Funny how hes the only parent to have not offered a thing towards the wedding yet is the only parent who thinks he can tell us who to invite beyond a couple of suggestions! I hate the guy for what he has spent his life doing to dp and dp is finally starting to see him without the rose tinted glasses and stand up to him.

They're going to love me when they find out the rest of my plans! [Grin]

Apologies for the rant blush been storing that up for a while!

jamtoast12 Sat 07-Feb-15 22:40:21

Def about the couple. Obviously I think things should be fair in terms of guests from both sides of the Family etc but I def don't agree that contributing gives power. The contribution should be a gift, it shouldn't come with any power or stipulations.

expatinscotland Sat 07-Feb-15 22:40:42

Then elope.

LaVolcan Sat 07-Feb-15 22:42:42

It's so annoying though, when various family members have been told that you are limited in the number of guests that you can accommodate to be told that you absolutely MUST invite Auntie Thing who was so kind to you as a baby, and hasn't bothered to show any interest in you since--. Or else said Aunt will be upset.

RattieofCatan Sat 07-Feb-15 22:42:57

DPS nans funeral. decking hudl.

RattieofCatan Sat 07-Feb-15 22:44:37

expat not so easy if that's not what your partner wants, unfortunately sad

Lepaskilf Sat 07-Feb-15 22:46:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaVolcan Sat 07-Feb-15 22:49:13

Got a family wedding coming up. We have told the bride and groom that we do not expect an invitation and we will not be upset about it - they are having enough hassle as it is from their immediate families. Both marrying for the second time, and at least one had family members sticking their oar(s) in the first time round. Grrr, why do they do it?

vdbfamily Sat 07-Feb-15 22:50:06

Traditionally(and I know things have changed alot!) the brides parents throw the wedding party and invite the guests they want. I think (may be wrong though) that even the groom is supposed to get an invite! My parents paid for our wedding. I felt that gave them a pretty big say in who was to be there but we had a marquee in their garden and my mum also did a lot of the food so we were able to invite everyone we wanted to be there.

RattieofCatan Sat 07-Feb-15 22:52:55

That sounds lovely op smile for us is about becoming a family together smile the families we've come from have given us so many issues and it's taken a long time for us both to come to terms with them that we're ready to move on together.

Though I have an amazing FMIL grin

MajorasMask Sat 07-Feb-15 22:54:59

Kind of dreading my wedding because my family is small and complicated (my mum and her youngest brother are great, everyone else...) whereas DP has a lovely mum and dad as well as their new partners and their kids, very cheery big family and more middle class than mine by miles. My mum even offered to have two weddings (!) but I really don't want to do that, it seems mean and extreme. My solution is to pay for everything ourselves so we can do it our way even if they make a scene. As long as we're married by the end of it I can get drunk deal with it, and everyone I actually want there will be there too.

BackforGood Sat 07-Feb-15 22:57:26

Maybe it depends on the relationships you have with your families then, because I certainly don't see it as an 'either/or' situation, and I would certainly take in to account what impact any arrangements I made, would have on the people that are close to me and that I love, and the people that are close to dh.
I presume you have a particular situation in mind, and it may be, in your case there's a good reason for making it just about what the two of you want and not caring about upsetting close family, but I certainly wouldn't have wanted to snub my lovely parents on my wedding day, and I hope my dc feel the same when their turns come.

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