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To not know what to do?

(10 Posts)
Keletubbie Sat 07-Feb-15 19:29:25

DP and I are on the verge of splitting up.

He broke the news to me on our 2yr anniversary that he doesn't know if family life is for him. It's a fair comment - he had gone 45 yrs before meeting me without living with a girlfriend. I have a 7 yr old from a previous relationship.

Logistically, it's easy for me. I can afford the rent on our home on my own, I have a good job and a great support network.

What I cannot handle is what is happening now. Moping around a shared space like zombies. No definitive idea of what is going on. I've tried to talk to him, but nada.

AIBU to ask him if/when he's leaving? Our two years have been tough ones: redundancies, life threatening illness, losing homes. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

and breathe

DandyHighwayman Sat 07-Feb-15 19:37:23

Don't slide into letting him call the shots and set the timetable

YANBU to set out your expectations that he will be gone by <insert: end of the week, month, whenever> that you will be unpicking any financial ties swiftly, that you expect him to take all his clobber and not leave it hanging round for months, and that you wish him well

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Feb-15 19:42:24

Is he waiting for you to take control and put your marriage out of its misery because he hasn't got the balls to/doesn't want to feel to blame for its demise?

I think you're going to have to do it, unless you're OK living with someone who's just told you he's not happy with what you have together?

I can't understand why he hasn't taken the steps to move out himself though or won't talk about it. Why dump it on you then mooch about waiting for you to do something?

How long have you lived together? (I'm presuming the 2 yr anniversary is of being together not living together)

angelohsodelight Sat 07-Feb-15 20:09:04

I think if he isn't sure then the answer is no. Make a clean break and move on with your life.

ahbollocks Sat 07-Feb-15 20:10:50

He needs to go sad its not fair on your dc to live in that sort of atmosphere

ColdCottage Sat 07-Feb-15 20:11:46

I think if you feel like that I'd start afresh.

ApocalypseThen Sat 07-Feb-15 20:14:57

Give him a deadline to be out by and contact your solicitor to start divorce proceedings by Monday. You can't live like that.

TRexingInAsda Sat 07-Feb-15 20:46:31

He's said it's over, he's just comfortable where he is, and unconcerned with how you feel about his cocklodging the 'uncertainty' of the situation.

Tell him to leave, and tell him when.

BullshitS70 Sat 07-Feb-15 20:50:53

Its her DP not DH, but yes give him a deadline or drop kick him out of your life

kittycatz Sat 07-Feb-15 21:19:20

Deadline and keep checking on what he is doing to meet the deadline. I had this with my ex - we agreed it was over but he then didn't seem in any rush to move out. In fact, he just wanted to lounge about my flat as long as possible because he wanted to save money on rent as long as possible. He was the stingiest man ever to walk the face of the earth.
I gave him 4 weeks to get organized to leave but after 2 weeks there was no sign of him making any moves so I then started asking him every day what steps he was talking and what progress he had made during the day to make sure he was out by the deadline. He left a week after the deadline but it was very very difficult.
Do not make life easy for him - it's over, you have separate lives now and so he must be out by X date. That means by Y date he needs to have done a, b and c. Keep hassling him about it.

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