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To feel as if everything is insurmountable?

(26 Posts)
candyflosssky Sat 07-Feb-15 19:00:47

I am so unhappy in my marriage. I want out, but don't know how. Does it sound strange to say leaving would be harder than staying and being unhappy? Married to DH I can appease him. Apart from him, he would make my life utter hell.

I don't work. I don't even know what I'd do for a job, long term. There's only one thing that interests me but I feel I have a starry eyed view, would probably be hopeless anyway - and it isn't comparable with young children.

I'm desperate to keep my children's worlds stable and happy but my own world is desperately miserable and yet how can I sacrifice my happiness for theirs, or vice versa? I have so many impossible questions and so many non-answers.

I'm so sorry to offload on here but I don't know where else to turn or where to go. Everyone in rl would just urge me to LTB - not that there are many 'rl' people - DH saw to that. But it's not that simple.

ssd Sat 07-Feb-15 19:02:49

I'm sorry. Search the relationships board, there will be loads of great advice there x

Hassled Sat 07-Feb-15 19:04:17

No, it's never that simple, but you know what you want to happen and that's a good start. And remember unless there is abuse and you're at risk, there's no rush - you can take your time. I can tell you that you won't be sacrificing your children's happiness - children are happy or unhappy regardless of whether their parents are together. It's the stability and love you give them that matters - and that stability can easily be provided after divorce.

candyflosssky Sat 07-Feb-15 19:05:36

Thanks but I don't want to stray into relationships, mainly because I know there are hundreds of women on there who have LTB and survived and smiled, but they are not me and I am not them.

Hassled Sat 07-Feb-15 19:17:39

But aren't they reassuring proof that if they can come up smiling, you can as well?

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Feb-15 19:20:04

It is very easy to say LTB when it's not you in it, but MN can be a good gauge of what other people think is acceptable/unacceptable, when it is you in it it's easy to get bogged down by the details.

I can understand what you mean about weighing up your own happiness against your DC and thinking it's much easier for an adult to 'suffer' than possibly foist it onto the children you love to bits.

How old are your children? Are you sure your unhappiness isn't/won't ever affect them? If you're having to appease them aren't you choosing the same for them by staying?

If your DH has gradually isolated you from the people who love you are you able to gradually break free from that? Do the people around you know what you're going through?

Sorry, lots of questions, it's shit being trapped in a situation when you can't see a way out of it, there is a way out though, you just haven't found it yet <hug>

candyflosssky Sat 07-Feb-15 19:45:30

Thank you.

I feel as if it's different because - oh all sorts of things, really. I don't have anybody to fight my corner, partly because DH has isolated me and partly because there weren't that many there to start with!

Financially he earns a lot, and money can buy things, not love I know but power and choice.

My son is in year 3, my little girl is only a baby - not even 1. My son will hate me for taking his Dad away, my baby girl - who knows what she will think, as she grows?

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Feb-15 20:04:22

Your son will not hate you for 'taking his Dad away', that's just not true, and that's one thing you must believe.

At 3 they're pretty adaptable and whatever situation you choose for him he'll get used to.

But as they're only small you have to choose which situation is best for them, and although I can only guess at what kind of atmosphere you have to live in, tip toeing around walking on eggshells so as to not upset your DH isn't a good place to be in for your children.

This is only my opinion but I would say it's better sooner rather than later, much 'easier' to make the move now to security than when your beautiful children are older, asking much harder to answer questions and are settled in schools.

You don't need anyone else to fight your corner, you have it inside yourself to fight for your children's corner and future security, because you really shouldn't underestimate what growing up in a home with what you've hinted at is going to do them anything but harm.

I know you don't want to get advice on leaving the fucker, but I think you know that you have to you just need a kick up the arse reassurance that you'd be doing the right thing, and I honestly think you would be (from the few details you've given)

Tisnemo Sat 07-Feb-15 20:13:26

Oh love, I remember that feeling that there was so much rubbish to get through to get to the other side and I often felt overwhelmed when thinking about it. Take one step at a time, maybe look at what benefits you would be entitled to in the short term, make a solicitor appointment-most do a free half hour, look at housing if you feel you need to leave and just begin to look at possibilities. You would be amazed at how it all works out in the end. Your children won't hate you and you deserve to be happy. For me the thought of getting to 80 (or in actual fact, even a year down the line) and wishing I had done things differently was a big push.
Good luck and keep talking on here-it really can help.

candyflosssky Sat 07-Feb-15 20:27:15

Thank you.

Agent - my DS is in year 3; he's nearly 8. Any separation would hugely affect him, I know.

Tis financially I don't think I'd be entitled to a bean! but because DH controls all the money I just don't know. sad

babynamechange Sat 07-Feb-15 20:51:13

You say in your opening post that he would make your life utter hell. I won't minimise that. I've been there and yes indeed they can and will do it.

What it sounds like you really need is a strategy to get your strength back so you actually feel like you can cope and you and the children will all be ok. Atm you sound totally crushed

I won't go into all the details but I was in a pretty horrendous situation due to my abusive ex and in the summer hit rock bottom with it. I could see no way out and could not snap out of the utter desperation I felt. What I started doing every morning was finding 10 things I was grateful for and would then re read through the day. It sounds like it would do nothing but it worked really quickly and got me back focused and gave me the strength to deal with it all x

candyflosssky Sat 07-Feb-15 21:28:08

Thanks. I do have a lot to be grateful for but I'm so scared of the future, he controls everything and he won't relinquish that without a nasty fight I'm not sure I can win.

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Feb-15 21:35:28

Sorry, misread your DSs age, yes 8 is a bit of a difficult one because they're old enough to partly understand but sometimes not enough to see the bigger picture.

Does the way your DH treat you really have no impact on him at all?

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation myself at the minute where I've had to make choices for my DDs that might result in us losing the financial security we have at the minute/breakdown of my marriage because of DHs behaviour, so I know it's a fucking difficult one.

It's tossing up the pros and possible consequences of your current situation with those of taking the scary step to say enough is enough, and when you can't know how the future's going to play out it feels impossible to know what to do for the best. I know I keep swaying from thinking one thing for definite to thinking the total opposite the next day.

My situation doesn't sound as bad as yours though (not that it's a competition like) because even though I'm not sure what to do I feel a bit more in control than you sound (and I'm bolshy and angry, which helps at times), it must be especially scary if you don't have any financial input. I think you'd be surprised at what you're actually entitled to, have you ever looked? (a couple of benefits calculators independent one and a gov one).

Celeriacacaca Sat 07-Feb-15 21:37:32

I don't have any particularly useful advice but just wanted to flowers. Maybe don't think of the whole picture but break it down into manageable bits in terms of leaving and moving forward. You sound a lovely person but just need to focus on getting the point where you will feel positive and in control again. Don't forget you will have so much help and support here on Mumsnet at any time of the day or night.

babynamechange Sat 07-Feb-15 21:38:32

Candy think of things you are grateful for that have nothing to do with him or the more obvious stuff that people think of. Things to do with just you.

The more you do it, the stronger you will realise you are. To cope and hold everything together the way you are in the situation you are in takes huge strength. You just don't realise it xx

simonettavespucci Sat 07-Feb-15 21:42:32

Candy if you're married you will be entitled to something financially, though not saying it would be easy. Can you start by making practical enquiries about the job that interests you? Find out about training etc. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

candyflosssky Sat 07-Feb-15 22:11:12

Thank you. Ironically we are very wealthy which is why I doubt I'd be entitled to anything, its just he controls it all, even the money and property that's mine. I need to see a solicitor but I'm so frightened, I can't live like this any longer though.

I don't know about DS, the way DH treats me is insidious and you wouldn't guess something was amiss without looking very closely. DS is desperate for DHs approval, and will do anything to please him.

Tobyjugg Sat 07-Feb-15 22:20:19

Candy You can change your life in any way you wish. First, be sure you know what you want - well that seems to be the case, you don't want to be unhappy anymore. Second, find out what your legal position is. Go and see a solicitor and establish what would happen if you did leave. Don't rely on your fears and worries, get the hard legal facts. Finally, remember you were not put on this Earth to be unhappy. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, as they say. Good luck to you.

sliceofsoup Sat 07-Feb-15 22:34:41

DS is desperate for DHs approval, and will do anything to please him.

That should tell you right there that your H is as toxic towards your son as he is towards you. That kind of relationship is stressful and damaging for a child. Your son shouldn't have to fight for his fathers approval.

In the short term, yes he would feel the "loss" of his father, but in the long term he would be happier being free from the day to day struggle he is currently facing.

Your DS can also see that you appease your H. He is learning from you to do the same. Your daughter will grow to learn that this is the way men are, the way she should expect to be treated.

There are posters on here who can advise you on every aspect of what you need to do. Don't look at it as one big task. Break it down, ask on here, take it one step at a time. Take it slowly.

You can leave, your H has done his best to convince you otherwise, but you can do it. Posting here was your first step!

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Feb-15 22:41:52

Whether you're wealthy now is neither here nor there if you manage to break away from him, because you'll be an individual with children and entitled to help, and he'd have to pay maintenance for his children as well wouldn't he?

It is frightening, there's no doubt about it, but more so for you because he's forced you to relinquish the control most of us take for granted. Untangling yourself will be difficult but not impossible.

Are you able to say what's happened whenever you've challenged him? What kinds of things does he (punish you with?) do to you?

It's natural for children to seek their parents approval, but not for them to be desperate for it, does that suggest your DS rarely, if ever, gets it?

That would concern me.

I know you've said you don't want to post in relationships, but the lovely posters there can be very empowering, and their hive mind is very knowledgeable about the ins/outs of breaking free from this kind of wank stain, it would defo be worth letting them take a look even if it's just to see what your options are.

What have you got to lose? Even if you know the tosser's going to play dirty, taking back your/your DCs lives can't be any worse than living under his control.

candyflosssky Sat 07-Feb-15 23:11:34

But it isn't taking back their lives as they'd still see him - he's still their father

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Feb-15 23:18:38

You're right, not taking back their lives, I just included them in the sentence after I'd written it.

simonettavespucci Sat 07-Feb-15 23:24:39

You're still entitled to support and a share of the assets, even if you're wealthy. Plus, as you have property and money of your own, at least you won't be broke. Your position is much stronger than you think. You can leave, you really can. See a solicitor to find out how to get back financial control. And start thinking about possible work, places to live, etc so it seems more real. It's good that there is something you want to do, even if it's (at the moment!) distant and unrealistic.

Can you say more about the way he treats you or why you feel it's different? If he's being emotional abusive it will be impacting your children, even if that's not immediately obvious either.

ohtheholidays Sun 08-Feb-15 08:40:00

I am so unhappy in my marriage. I want out, but don't know how. Does it sound strange to say leaving would be harder than staying and being unhappy? Married to DH I can appease him. Apart from him, he would make my life utter hell.

THIS was me,I was 25,two young sons 4 and 2,no money,no friends and no confidence in myself,he made sure of that.

I left that marriage,I won't lie it was hard at first.My parents took his side,they had no idea what he was really like.Once they saw the real him it all changed but that was very hard to deal with at the time.

You have an advantage I didn't have,you say that financially your okay.We weren't because of him.

Can you start making plans,hiding away some money each week so that you know you'll be okay for a few month's money wise when you leave him.

Start getting support now,without him knowing.

Speak to a solicitor,find out about any benefits/help you might be entitled to.And start re-connecting with friends/family you've lost because of him.

You can do this,myself and thousands of other women that have done the same and are still doing the same are proof of this!

candyflosssky Sun 08-Feb-15 11:10:07

I know thousands have done the same, but thousands manage to do things every day that seem huge to me.

I just feel drained of any energy or purpose.

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