by being utterly sick of people who post irrelevant lacking-in-empathy answers to posts from people who just want support? The whole "you should be grateful you have a baby at all" brigade

[savebraveted]

Everything in life is relative. For example, yes, it is awful for someone who is trying and failing at IVF for a 1st baby to read about someone who is considering gender selection IVF. But don´t attack the OP by bringing your own or your friend´s situation into something that is completely unrelated to you or your friend! People come to Mumsnet for support. If you don´t like the subject, don´t open the message!
Women should look for solidarity, particularly in motherhood, which is so fraught with insecurity and lack of support, and stop judging and attacking each other on a maternal forum FGS!!

[PoshPenny]

Completely agree. But.... You should have added "judgemental" to lacking in empathy etc etc

[APotNoodleandaTommy]

TAAT

[APotNoodleandaTommy]

Which makes an auto YABU

[ProudAS]

There's never any need to be nasty to an OP. It might seen obvious that they ABU but it isnt obvious to them or they wouldn't have posted.

[NorwaySpruce]

The thing you describe in your title is irritating.

The assumption that we should be all supportive of everything& everyone we encounter by virtue of some weird maternal bonding woo-wah is crap.

What about the paternal types, the non-maternal, the non-parents, the journos? Do we count for nothing ?

And some people fly through parenthood, surrounded by support, and feeling very secure. It doesn't mean their particular views are any less valid.

A MN populated by fluffy, syrupy yes-men would be vomit inducing.

[Pagwatch]

Is it a taat?
Why didn't you just post this on there?

[Iggi999]

If you ever need to use the word "brigade" in an argument, then you have already lost imo.

[Glittoris]

Too much of Mumsnet is filled with posters projecting their own life shit onto totally unsuspecting other people. It's a very sad facet of human nature that if you're miserable then it can temporarily make you feel better by dropping some poison on someone else.

Happens all the time on here

[YaTalkinToMe]

I don't think people need to be nasty, however if nobody ever said anything different to challenge your own views/thought processes we would never learn and grow.

[Glittoris]

What is a taat?

[Older]

A taat is a thread about a thread which seems to be an automatic crime on MN whereas in many other places it's considered form to take an issue elsewhere rather than derail a thread.

[Pagwatch]

Yes, shockingly different sites have different views - and on here it's considered shitty.

[26Point2Miles]

A 'maternal forum'??

Doesn't mean everything should be sugar coated though...

[Older]

I don't feel the need to pounce on OP for her TAAT 'crime' or terminology of brigade. I think the essence of the list is be kind and tolerant. A shocking sentiment Eh?

[ineedtogetthisout]

I had it in rl once, a month after my daughter died someone at my ex husbands work told me I was lucky I had a baby at all as she would never feel that love because she was infertile and then began crying.

Some people can't see beyond their own circumstances and think they are perfectly entitled to project their feelings onto everyone else's situation.

It pissed me right off too.

[Glittoris]

Thank you older I was having visions of Ilkley Moor etc

[CrispyFern]

Sometimes it mighty be helpful for a person to think about others less fortunate and count their blessings though, that's why you hear it a lot I guess.

[duplodon]

Yes, and unless you've been around here for a while how would you even know? One of my first threads, a few days post-partum was a taat and Christ, I was crucified. I had NO idea I was "breaking the rule" (unwritten by the way).

I don't care if it is a taat, and I had no idea it was until it was posted here so I have no comment on the original thread, which I haven't seen and know nothing about.

However, as I really, really hate when people use ANY line that equates to "you should be grateful you even have a baby" I will say YABU. It's a horrible, shaming, guilt-inducing, judgemental, critical, unsupportive, mean thing to say.

Emotions just are. Thoughts just are. They come and go, we can't control them. That's just a fact of being human and having a mind. And, as Philip Larkin once wrote: "yours is the harder course, I see.. on the other hand, [my life] is happening to me".

[Older]

Glittoris

[duplodon]

And generally, no, it's not helpful for people to BE TOLD to think about others less fortunate and count their blessings in ways that invite shame and encourage self-loathing. Individually, our compassion for those who suffer is one of our better traits, but as soon as it put forward to someone sharing their experience with a "have to/should/ought to" finger wagging intention from someone else , it becomes one of the least compassionate attitudes you can have.

[savebraveted]

What is TAAT and what is wrong with "brigade"? Quite ironic that my message immediately elicits a raft of unpleasant replies. I am not trying to win or lose! Just wishing (naively I know) that women (because yes, it is usually the women that are the culprits sadly) wouldn´t be so MEAN.
"Too much of Mumsnet is filled with posters projecting their own life shit onto totally unsuspecting other people." Couldn´t have put it better myself...
I am not talking about people whose posts are inviting a challenging or interesting debate - I am talking about anxious, insecure Mums (and Dads ) who post things here clearing looking for a bit of support and get annihilated by waves of negativity. They don´t seem to know what has hit them a lot of the time!

[Pagwatch]

I didn't pounce - I asked. Which is perfectly reasonable and polite - and relevant as loads of times threads about threads manage to deviate quite substantially from what was actually posted.

People often start a thread about a thread because they have failed to make their argument on the original thread.
Whoever posted the comments the op is annoyed by about doesn't necessarily know the op has started a thread effectively to complain about her , so she is effectively being talked about behind her back- hardly kind in itself.

Is that all kind and tolerant - if kindness and tolerance what is being complained about?

[Pagwatch]

The 'it's alright for you' , 'is that all you have to worry about' types of posts are horrible. But saying that on the thread and reporting them is a better way to deal with it imo

[savebraveted]

Thank you Older! That is all I am trying to say - kindness and tolerance. Complex concepts for some I guess.

[savebraveted]

I had no about the TAAT unwritten rule - but I wasn´t posting about any one thread in particular, I was commenting on a general theme /behaviour which I find saddening. I am not an expert on this site and don´t have much experience. Obviously woe betide anyone who does things the wrong way on Mumsnet. It has made me realise that some of the things I am worried about and wanted to post about will not be supported here and I will have to find help elsewhere. I am too terrified!