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To say no actually she can't come!

(247 Posts)
Everythingwillbeok Fri 06-Feb-15 14:03:57

My DD is lucky enough to live on a nice little street with two other girls of the same age who are also in her class.

Nice she has friends to play with at weekends ect.But for the last 3/4 months ect is been so hard not upsetting any of the girls or their mums. I'm getting a bit tired of always making sure nobody is left out.

In December I took one of the girls lets call her Olivia to the cinema to watch Paddington along with my DD.It was a bit of a treat and the other girl,lets call her Fern was going to see it that afternoon anyway with her cousin. So I offered to take Olivia as I knew she'd be on her own all day as her own mum doesn't do anything with them at weekends.( not meaning to sound like a cow) but by her own admission can't be arsed taking her kids anywhere as she'd rather chill in her PJs.

All good only Fern saw us leave and came running out saying are you playing out? Er no we are on our way out sorry love but they'll be around later. Ok she said and ran back home.

That night I got a text saying hope you enjoyed the film I thought I was really good pity we couldn't have all gone together as Fern was upset she only had her cousin for company.I replied oh right well I knew you'd made plans and I didn't want to interfere.

About 3 times since then my DD has called for each of them and been told they've gone to McDonalds/ the park/ to walk the dog together so she's come back home and I've said nevermind we were out when they left or perhaps they wanted to go alone. She hasn't batted an eyelid as sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Olivia goes to her dads every Sunday at 12:30 without fail. DP said last night seeing as its so dry and sunny lets take DD to the farm on Sunday we can get some eggs and she can see the animals ect, then go for a drink at the pub on the way back.

So I said DD could pick a friend .Olivia's at her dads on Sunday so she won't be on her own she'll have something to do so ill ask Fern if she's free.

Ok yeah fine. So it's arranged but I've had a text off Olivia's mum half an hour ago saying just picked Olivia up from school to go dentist and she's in the car crying as your DD and Fern were talking about going out on Sunday and she's overheard, she's kicking off in the car saying she's not going to her dads and I can't force her to go so would you mind if she tags along with you?

I'm gobsmacked...I feel like I can't say no but why is there constant pandering? I'd say no sorry love can't let your dad down its the only dad he sees you. We can go there next week.

There's room in the car but it's the expense of taking another one and also the fact she's not really been invited.

Sorry it's long didn't want to drip feed.

They are 9 by the way not toddlers.

Just feel a bit resentful we can never just go out without considering what these other two are up to and if we are going to offend anyone.

PatriciaHolm Fri 06-Feb-15 14:06:06

Just Say No. It will never end otherwise!

"Sorry, its not convenient this week. See you Monday."

Gileswithachainsaw Fri 06-Feb-15 14:06:41

Oh god its too much. You can't carry on like this that's for sure.

You are not free baby sitting service or responsible for the childs' happiness. they have parents and it's their job not yours to arrange to do something.

PtolemysNeedle Fri 06-Feb-15 14:08:23

Groups of three girls are always going to be difficult to manage, it's just one of this weird things.

I think in your position, I'd invite both and leave them to decline if they have plans with other parents or cousins or whatever. Even if you know they are likely to say no, it's got to be better than upsetting a young girl. Your dd may be lucky enough to be more resilient and not feel sensitive about being 'left out', but you can't expect every child to be the same.

whothehellknows Fri 06-Feb-15 14:09:39

That's very bold of the other mums to text you! My DD (a bit younger) has several besties, but I'd never ask if she could tag along just because I found out the others were doing something! I think if the parents carry on pandering to the behaviour, it will encourage jealousy.

Fudgeface123 Fri 06-Feb-15 14:09:45

Stick to your guns, it's not your job to organise fun things for their kids to do ALL THE TIME!

bottleofbeer Fri 06-Feb-15 14:10:53

I think by now I'd be pointing out all the times that the other two have been out together. Childish, I know. But they're very keen to make sure their children don't miss out and use you to do that, they don't show the same level of consideration for your daughter.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 06-Feb-15 14:12:26

It's not your fault at all, it's the parents fault totally. Olivia's mum should have told Olivia she has to see her dad this weekend as it his time to see her. Ferns mum should have never sent you that text, she should have told her dd she was seeing the film with her cousin.

manicinsomniac Fri 06-Feb-15 14:12:28


I agree that groups of 3 girls are a nightmare but:
a) it's not fair on Olivia's Dad
b) Olivia and Fern have done things together without your DD
c) Your DD and Olivia have done things recently without Fern

So there's no need to pander to Fern!

lunar1 Fri 06-Feb-15 14:13:02

I think in future id invite both or neither. Friendships if three are a nightmare, I was the one always left out in this scenario. However I think it would be best to talk to the other mums together and figure out a way to handle it in future. It's not ok if you include both girls but then your dd is left out when they do things.

manicinsomniac Fri 06-Feb-15 14:13:11

I mean pander to Olivia - sorry, it got confusing!

ResponsibleAdult Fri 06-Feb-15 14:13:57

This is tricky, but the precedent will be set if you change your plans.

Olivia and Fern play together without your daughter. Your daughter is fine with it.

You have taken Olivia out, now you want to take out Fern, that's absolutely fine. You don't have to take all of them out as a trio, the other mothers don't, why should you.

Explain: no intention to cause offence; Olivia came last time; you thought she was with her Dad that weekend; it's Ferns turn ; arrangements have been made that can't be changed, you don't need to explain.

If pushed, be vague, it could be visiting relatives, car capacity, detour via a third party.

Then brightly suggest as Fern and Olivia spent time together last week, and your daughter hasn't seen both of them could you plan something nice for next weekend, and get one of the other mothers to come too if you think it will be easier with them.

Don't get drawn into this, the girls can usually sort it out on their own.

Purplepixiedust Fri 06-Feb-15 14:14:09

Say no if thats what you prefer.

If my 8 yo wants to take a friend somewhere he picks one, they don't all get to go! He kind of rotates who he chooses or chooses based on their likes or availability. Noone gets offended. By all accounts girls are a nightmare with this type of thing. Explain you prefer to take one at a time and leave it at that.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 06-Feb-15 14:14:13

I agree bottle, next time tell the mums about all the times fern and Olivia have been out without minieverything and have not complained. They are raising 2 spoilt little girls.

FightOrFlight Fri 06-Feb-15 14:14:43

How awful for the girl's Dad if she doesn't turn up on the one day he sees her.

It's not your job to entertain other people's children.

I'd speak to the Mum and say it's just not convenient to take both girls every time you go out - it's something she will have to get used to.

FannyFifer Fri 06-Feb-15 14:16:48

Just say aww that's a shame but I brought her last time so it's other girls turn this time.

Out of interest do the other mothers bring your child with them on days out?

YouTheCat Fri 06-Feb-15 14:17:31

What awful parents. This is why we get kids at school who can't handle their own friendships because their parents micro manage even the smallest things.

I think in future, I'd invite someone that your dd doesn't see out of school and leave the other two to it.

Tokelau Fri 06-Feb-15 14:20:03

I agree that groups of three are difficult. I also agree that Olivia's mum was rude to ask. I think though that if they really are all 'best friends' you should invite both or neither, even if you know one can't come, because the uninvited one will always feel left out.

DeliciousMonster Fri 06-Feb-15 14:22:07

I've had a text off Olivia's mum half an hour ago saying just picked Olivia up from school to go dentist and she's in the car crying as your DD and Fern were talking about going out on Sunday and she's overheard, she's kicking off in the car saying she's not going to her dads and I can't force her to go so would you mind if she tags along with you?

'No, that would be ridiculous. Have a lovely weekend'.

ChippingInGluggingOn Fri 06-Feb-15 14:22:29

Why not get together with the other mum's and have a chat about the whole thing. You are all living in the same street, so you're going to have years of this ahead of you. It's lovely they have each other, don't let it get horrible.

minionmadess Fri 06-Feb-15 14:29:59

Why do you need to invite them anywhere. It is not your responsibility to entertain other peoples dc. The fact that the other parents don't take their dc out is not your problem.

My advice would be to stop including either of these girls in your family time plans. The sooner you do this the better.

StAndrewsDay Fri 06-Feb-15 14:34:45

Just say no. Say 'I took Olivia to the cinema and Fern was upset so now I am taking Fern to the farm to even things out, and because I knew Olivia would be at her Dad's anyway. Sorry but it's not really fair on Fern to take Olivia now as well.'

AmantesSuntAmentes Fri 06-Feb-15 14:38:37

Create some boundaries and stick to them. Their attidues are ridiculous! YANBU.

Behindthepaintedgarden Fri 06-Feb-15 14:47:18

I would just say that you don't really want to get in the middle of arrangements for Olivia to see her dad, or to feel responsible for them being cancelled, which was why you didn't invite her in the first place.

concretekitten Fri 06-Feb-15 14:53:46

I think at 9 they're old enough to understand that this is sometimes how life is, we're not all invited to something but there will be other times when Olivia will be invited but Fern isn't.
I don't feel it's your responsibility to take care of the feelings of a child who isn't yours. You're not being mean but you had never planned to ask both girls, you wanted a day out with your DD and said she could take ONE friend.
You also said that Olivia's mum doesn't do anything with her kids so when is she going to repay the favour/treat? Never by the sounds of it.
But in your shoes I would struggle to say "no". But I do think this situation needs to come to an end, maybe now is the perfect opportunity to bite the bullet and say "sorry we said DD could invite one friend and she picked Fern, sadly all 3 can not do everything together"

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