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Good mother or total spoil sport?

(281 Posts)
Mumtotherescueagain Thu 05-Feb-15 18:42:42

Dd is angry with me. She has hatched a plan to go to a well known fun park at the end of her study leave, with friends. This would be around a 2 -2 1/2 hour journey involving motorways. There would be 4-5 people in the car driven by a female driver who would have passed her test at the absolute most 3 months before.

I have absolutely refused to allow her to do this. She is 17. I have told her why which is because I don't think it's safe. I have told the reality of this situation, the first funeral I ever attended was a girl the year above me at school killed driving with friends in the car.

I feel wretched about this because dd is having a tough time atm and she is angry with what I've said but I can't help that. I don't think it's safe.


TheHermitCrab Thu 05-Feb-15 18:45:27

I think YABU. The girl has passed her test and it's perfectly reasonable for your daughter to be going on a trip out to a theme park. As horrible as your past situation with your school friend, you have a right to be worried but you can't push your fears of car crashes onto your daughter.

SaucyJack Thu 05-Feb-15 18:45:49

I had my own bedsit when I was her age. I most certain was not asking my mother's permission to go on a day out.

I can't believe you said no, and I really can't believe she's taken any notice of you.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 05-Feb-15 18:46:14

is there a compromise anywhere? An adult who can drive them all? Split the cost of a minibus hire?

If you were to talk to all the parents and say yes, it's a nice idea, but can we get together for a different option for the transport, do you think that would go anywhere?

SleeplessSeattle Thu 05-Feb-15 18:46:52

I think YABU as well, though I can see why you're worried. You can't stop her going in a car ever, and she's been open with you about a pretty harmless trip - it's definitely the norm to go ona theme park trip at the end of study leave as you beat the summer holiday queues!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 05-Feb-15 18:48:03

meant to say that I too would be very concerned about someone who had passed their test max 3 months before doing motorways. How much motorway driving could they realistically have done by then?

bshorty Thu 05-Feb-15 18:48:40

Can you and another parent drive them and then do your own thing when you get there, or may be get a reputable minibus firm. Try find a solution before cancelling trip completely.

ThatBloodyWoman Thu 05-Feb-15 18:48:51

At 17 I didn't even live at home...
I can understand you being worried though,so voice your concerns to her,then trust her.

sosix Thu 05-Feb-15 18:49:31

Can you stop here? Shes very nearly an adult? How about you drive?

TheHermitCrab Thu 05-Feb-15 18:49:52

At 17/18 a lot of my friends were travelling to raves, camping in ridiculous places, getting drunk underage...etc. I think you clearly have a responsible daughter if she has "hatched a plan" to just visit a theme park. It's not exactly wild. And at 17 I think is a bit nuts to ask permission for such a thing, but it's nice she has.

Trust her. I disagree with the poster who said "can an adult drive them" If someone can drive they can drive. Or they wouldn't/shouldn't be on the road.

Evelight Thu 05-Feb-15 18:50:07

YANBU. This is like (one of) my nightmare scenarios for when my kids get older.

irregularegular Thu 05-Feb-15 18:53:10

I'd be a bit nervous too, but I think you just have to let them go. They are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to do on a day out and it would be overbearing of you to try and stop them.

Just make 100% sure there won't be any alcohol involved. And encourage the friend to get some motorway practice first, otherwise she will find it hard to do a long trip. Could you even offer to go out with her?

pilates Thu 05-Feb-15 18:53:27


TheHermitCrab Thu 05-Feb-15 18:53:30


Nightmare scenario? IF the worst my daughter can hatch up at the age of 17 is to travel to a theme park with her friends I would be glad she has the sense to do something fun but sensible.

Just because someone is young and passed their test doesn't mean they are going to be driving around like an idiot with music blasting trying to get themselves in a crash. More likely to be more cautious on the motorway.

angelohsodelight Thu 05-Feb-15 18:53:38

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's s long journey fit a newly qualified driver, with her friends. I would say no too.

Mumtotherescueagain Thu 05-Feb-15 18:53:50

The lass hasn't even taken her test yet. They are assuming she will have done and have a car by then. For all I know it may well be the first motorway journey she does. Yes I can stop her. Whilst she lives with me I am responsible for her.
I only passed my test a few years ago myself. I know exactly what it's like getting to grips with driving in the 'real world' . People need to do it, they need to get experience. They do not need to get that experience with my kid in the car.

Of course I could take her. I have already offered to take leave and do so. That is apparently not acceptable.

CupidStuntSurvivor Thu 05-Feb-15 18:54:16

She can live independently of you at this age. You need to remove some of the bubble wrap and let her learn to make some independent decisions.

My DM tried grounding me over something similar when I was 18. I moved out and ended up doing it anyway.

LokiBear Thu 05-Feb-15 18:54:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Overly cautious - yes but not unreasonable. I don't think you should stop her from going, but you should insist that she texts when she gets there and before she leaves to come home. Insist that seat belts be worn etc. I am dreading this part of parenthood. However, the reality is that lots of young drivers do these types of journeys. Driving in the day to a theme park is less worrying than driving in the middle of the night from a party. flowers for you. I think you might get flamed on here but I get where you are coming from.

DisappointedOne Thu 05-Feb-15 18:54:52


Buy her some motorway lessons for after she's passed her test.

Mumtotherescueagain Thu 05-Feb-15 18:57:02

Why would I buy motorway lessons for somebody else's child? hmm I did ask about Pass Plus though.

Doesn't matter how many lessons she has, fatigue is still an issue and this is a long journey and a long day with the added pressure of a car full of excited mates.

NerrSnerr Thu 05-Feb-15 18:57:17

When does your daughter turn 18? Is she going to university this year? I would let her go, you have to let her grow up.

AnyFucker Thu 05-Feb-15 18:57:21

my teenager passed their driving test 2 months ago

they are now regularly negotiating motorways to get to/from work....even in the recent icy/snowy weather

although I worry a bit and breathe a sigh of relief when the door opens and in they walk you have to let them do it or how do they learn ?

YABU I am afraid

PinkSnowAndStars Thu 05-Feb-15 18:57:24

Yabu... She's old enough to make her own mind up...

I drove my friends to Alton towers 3 weeks after passing my test. 4 of us in the car. 3 hour drive. We were sensible, it involved motorways and we are all still here to tell the tale. my mum wasn't happy but couldn't stop me!

DeliciousMonster Thu 05-Feb-15 18:57:37

Buy her some motorway lessons for after she's passed her test.

For the daughter's friend? That's extremely generous!

Sunnysideup5883 Thu 05-Feb-15 18:57:40

Is that a total of 5 hours driving on one day? I think it's too bigger risk.

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