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To expect a bit more support from the IL's?

(102 Posts)
picklesmagoo Wed 04-Feb-15 16:00:09

Had to start a new profile for this so I can't be traced! ;)
Pregnancy hormones going wild. May be being a little U but....

DH is unemployed. He moved in with me right after Uni. Since he left home he has had no practical, emotional or financial help from his parents. I support him as we are not entitled to any help because of my wage which would be decent if it wasn't for the hole we are in. We are paying off my student debts, his student debts, I had to buy a car for work, and he needed a driving licence cue millions of pounds down the drain. When I graduated my parents helped me get my first place (deposit for rent not mortgage) and lent me money to buy fuel to get there until I got my first pay cheque.

Years down the line and we are still in massive financial problems. My parents keep trying to help us, and I keep turning them down. I don't think its their job to help me support DH. His parents are a LOT better off than mine (think so rich they just pop over to america for a week to visit friends). I am beginning to think we will NEVER get out of this mess. I am really upset more than angry. How can they watch their own DS struggling to pay the bills, watching his wife crying over conversations with the bank and not want to help?

Its not just not wanting to help him (with n e thing not just financially, just generally giving a sh*t) But they are also putting massive pressure on us to spend money we don't have for example travelling a long way to family parties and weddings. If we say no I feel like everyone is blaming me for 'not letting' my OH have the money to go.

I know I am not alone but between financial pressure, stress at work and a baby on the way I feel totally overwhelmed.

GoooRooo Wed 04-Feb-15 16:03:31

YABU to expect them to support him. He is an adult and should be supporting himself. As his partner, that's part of the bargain. If they chose to help him out I'm sure that will be welcome, but it's not their responsibility ultimately.

YANBU to say no to going to expensive parties and weddings if you can't afford it and you should explain why, calmly, and if they can't deal with it then that is their problem. It's not fair of them to put that pressure on you, but perhaps they genuinly don't realise how tight things are for you?

Only1scoop Wed 04-Feb-15 16:03:37

Perhaps they don't want to help him financially.

He has his own family on the way and needs to provide.

Perhaps they have bailed him out before.

Only1scoop Wed 04-Feb-15 16:05:05

As for the functions etc...."we can't go" should surely suffice.

You are adults.

Sn00p4d Wed 04-Feb-15 16:05:22

Why does your dh not work? You've made it sound like that is a long term situation, is he unable to?
I would have thought in a situation such as you describe bringing a child into it was less than sensible if it's causing you so much stress already. Sounds difficult but it's not your DHs parents responsibility to sort out his and your life, he's a grown up he should be looking after himself and his own family.

PtolemysNeedle Wed 04-Feb-15 16:07:06

I can understand how this must be an upsetting situation for you, and how easy it probably is to think that there's an easy solution if your DHs parents would help financially, but YABVU.

It is not your in laws job to financially support their son now that he has a wife and baby of his own on the way. Their responsibility ended as soon as he left uni IMO, and if you think it's not your parents job to help you support your DH, why do you think it's theirs? You made the choice to support him and pay for his driving lessons, so that's your responsibility.

Your problem isn't the lack of help from in laws, it's that your DH is unemployed and that you chose to bring a baby into a financial mess.

OldLadyKnows Wed 04-Feb-15 16:08:25

Why is your graduate dh still unemployed "years down the line", and why are you paying his student debts? (Overdraft?) He's not liable to pay student loans back yet.

SweetValentine Wed 04-Feb-15 16:08:37

Sorry but yabu

Piratespoo Wed 04-Feb-15 16:09:53

If your dh is unemployed, surely you should be deferring paying back his student loan? Contact them and arrange stopping payments...

StrawberryCheese Wed 04-Feb-15 16:10:54

I think it is your DH that you should be expecting more from, not your in-laws.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 04-Feb-15 16:11:07


I'd be disinclined to help if my adult, university educated child failed to get any sort of job some years after actually graduating. It smacks of laziness.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey Wed 04-Feb-15 16:12:20

Its not their responsibility.

Having said that, do they know how bad things are?

Do you and DH have a plan for getting out of this situation?

Can DH get a job?

How are you going to manage when you're on maternity leave?

NotYouNaanBread Wed 04-Feb-15 16:14:29

Is there a back story? You speak as if your university-educated husband is permanently unemployed. Is he unable to work for some reason? Young men fresh out of university are pretty much the most employable people in the country.

His parents are not being unreasonable for not giving him handouts. You are being unreasonable for treating his unemployment as an unavoidable condition of the world (unless it IS and you haven't told us the full story?).

Stormingateacup Wed 04-Feb-15 16:15:22

Well, for some reason they don't feel they should help him.

Is he still unemployed and if so, why?

Is he bad with money? Buys stuff he can't afford? Do they have any reason to think he won't spend it wisely?

How much of the financial hole you are in is , or could be seen to be, self-inflicted?

Are they as rich as you think they are?

There could be all sorts of reasons. No one should expect help from their parents once they're an adult.

PureMorning Wed 04-Feb-15 16:17:12

He's a grown up. He should pay his own way. I wouldn't pay to enable a lazy arse either.

Tell him to get a job or move out

NerrSnerr Wed 04-Feb-15 16:18:11

Why are you paying his student debts? Why are you spending a fortune on him driving when he's not working? Why isn't he working?

I wonder if they have supported him in the past? It's really not their responsibility to be supporting him, his parents can holiday where they like and shouldn't feel guilty about it.

wigglesrock Wed 04-Feb-15 16:18:36

Yes, as everyone else has said - why isn't he working? He owes money, you are pregnant crying over money and I know how awful that is, and you're perplexed and upset at his parents - unless there's a really good reason you haven't mentioned Id be more inclined to direct my anger at my husband.

bleedingheart Wed 04-Feb-15 16:18:56

I can understand you being upset that they won't help. They aren't under any obligation to help out but if my son struggled to find a job after University I would want to help him stay afloat if I was able to. If he had an addiction (like gambling) or was feckless (!) I would perhaps help in more practical ways.

I wouldn't want his pregnant partner to take the strain of it all certainly.

Most of the parents of adult children I know will help them if they can.

trulybadlydeeply Wed 04-Feb-15 16:21:10

He's an adult and has left home, so no, I don't think they should be helping you both out, unless they really want to.

I think you need to get some decent financial advice, go to the CAB, or similar. he shouldn't be paying off his student loan if he is not working, and depending on your wage you shouldn't need to be paying much, if at all when on mat leave. Is your job well paid and secure?

When you decided to start a family, what were the long term financial plans? Will he be looking for work, or will he be a SAHP while you return to work?

I think the issues here are far bigger than whether your inlaws want to help or not.

cestlavielife Wed 04-Feb-15 16:24:55

how many "years down the line" is this?
why cant dh work?

if your parents want to help you; then you can accept their help.
if his parents dont, their choice too.

cestlavielife Wed 04-Feb-15 16:26:41

when are they watching him watch you cry? how? are they in the same house? do they live with you? has dh cried to them?

APlaceInTheWinter Wed 04-Feb-15 16:27:37

As PPs have said, there are quite significant gaps in your op concerning why your DP isn't contributing.

From your ILs' pov you've refused further help from your own parents so, in light of that, maybe your ILs think you would refuse help from them too. Also, if you keep going to family parties and events then your ILs have no way of knowing how tight money is for you both. Start saying 'no'. Ask your DH to pull his weight rather than asking his DPs to do it for him

I'd also consider going to see a debt advisor or someone at the CAB to see if they can work with you to put plans in place to get you out of this mess. Think how much happier you would feel if you could see a way out of your debts. That's the part you can control. You can't control how your ILs spend their money.

APlaceInTheWinter Wed 04-Feb-15 16:30:27

oops x-post with trulybadly about getting CAB advice.

cavkc Wed 04-Feb-15 16:35:56

Sorry but I agree with others, unless there is a justifiable reason why is your DH still unemployed??

Doesn't sound an ideal scenario to be having a baby quite honestly.

TerraNovice Wed 04-Feb-15 16:38:29

Exactly what car do you drive and how many lessons did he need that you've spent "millions" of pounds on it?

I don't mean to be harsh OP, but with the situation you're in, was it really sensible to get pregnant? Wouldn't you have been better off trying to solve some of your current problems first?

I think YA a bit U by expecting his parents to help - he is an adult and if he hasn't been able to get a job since graduation then I think he needs to take a long hard look at himself rather than expect his parents to bail him out.

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