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To be upset about christening rejection

(77 Posts)
28boxestogo Wed 04-Feb-15 14:50:10

Ex SIL (married to ex DH brother) recently had a baby. We've been friends for 5 years. Ex and I split 2 years ago and both have new partners.

SIL are still friends. Since the split we've been out together, see each other weekly and text every few days. We still give presents at Xmas etcetc.

She text this morning to say "hi x bit awkward but just wanted you to hear from us not someone else. Baby's christening is booked for April, things might be a bit awkward having you and new partner and ex and new partner there so we've not invited you. DC still invited with ex obviously, sorry but thought it might be for the best xxx

Whilst ex and I don't particularly get on we are in no way argumentative or can't be in the same room together. We are perfectly civil when we see each other. Ex however has done his utmost to cut any ties between me and his family which SIL knows. Added to this I know SIL is now friends with ex's new partner who refuses to speak to me or get out of the car when they pick up DC for access.

I'm extremely hurt that SIL doesn't seem to have the backbone to just say "get over it ex, we're still friends and I'm not not inviting her just because it's awkward for you"


trufflesnout Wed 04-Feb-15 14:52:37

YANBU. Nice addition of "xxx" at the end of her text. Rude bitch.

InternetFOREVER Wed 04-Feb-15 14:53:22

Unfortunately it sounds like there would be the potential for drama, even though you wouldn't be the cause of it, and she's gone with inviting the person she's related most closely to out of the two of you. Its not fair that your ex and his new partner can't behave like grown ups, but its not your SILs fault either, and she understandably doesn't want the drama spoiling her child's christening.

LadyLuck10 Wed 04-Feb-15 14:53:46

Yabu. She probably wants a peaceful day for her child's christening.

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Feb-15 14:53:53

Yes, I think you are a little. It's her baby's christening so that comes first, and he's her brother. Not unreasonable to be cross at your ex for creating the situation but unfair to blame your ex SiL for trying to avoid strife on such a special day.

rinabean Wed 04-Feb-15 14:55:05

Taking your side over her brother's could cause even more problems. She's not doing it to be nasty and it's just a christening invite, it's not like she's taking his side when he's wronged you or something like that. Still unpleasant for you though

28boxestogo Wed 04-Feb-15 14:55:05

She's not his sister, she is married to his brother

YoullLikeItNotaLot Wed 04-Feb-15 14:56:16

YAB a bit U.

Even if you and ex aren't going to have a slanging match it sounds like she just wanted to minimise any potential for awkwardness or an atmosphere.

WorraLiberty Wed 04-Feb-15 14:56:41

I can see why you're a bit hurt but I think she's done the right thing.

She needs to put her family first in this instance.

LadyLuck10 Wed 04-Feb-15 14:57:08

It doesn't matter that she's not his sister, his brother probably wants a quiet day too. You do know your ex and partner have an issue with you, so why would they need the stress of that on the day.

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Feb-15 14:57:47

<<She's not his sister, she is married to his brother>>

Then I guess his brother (the baby's father) would rather have him there than you. It is understandable, isn't it? Or do you think your ex SiL should fight her dh over it?

28boxestogo Wed 04-Feb-15 14:58:06

And not that it makes much of a difference but the reason for divorce was his 2 year affair.

There is no reason for him cutting me off from his extended family other than the fact that it makes him feel awkward to have me around.

momb Wed 04-Feb-15 14:58:17

YANBU for being a little upset. SINBU because she is in an impossible situation: she feels that she has to choose her brother over her friend, all the while knowing that the brother may well cause an issue if you are there, but that she can't not invite him.

Reply with a cheery 'I'll be thinking of you all, have a great day. Make sure you save a glass of bubbly for me I'll be round to see the pictures on such and such a day'.
She sounds like a nice friend. Please don't fall out with her over something she can't control....

TheComfortOfStrangers Wed 04-Feb-15 14:58:31

I think YAB a bit U... She doesn't want any potential for bad feeling or a frosty atmosphere at her baby's christening, and whilst it may be your exh's partner who is most at fault, it is your exh, not you, who is the relative here, so it is his partner who gets to go.
I'm not surprised you're disappointed, but she said sorry and came clean. She is not a "rude bitch" as a previous poster suggested.

familymember Wed 04-Feb-15 14:58:48

It seems sad and unnecessary for you to be excluded, but very hard for your SIL and I can see why she's had to do this - exH is unfortunately considered 'more family' than you in this situation.

It was good of her to let you know like that, yanbu to be hurt, but it looks like your SIL has been put in a difficult situation by her family and has chosen this option in the hope you will understand.

NorwaySpruce Wed 04-Feb-15 14:58:56

Buy your ex is pesumably the baby's uncle, so they will want him there in preference to you, as they've had to choose?

You are being a bit unreasonable.

Lambzig Wed 04-Feb-15 14:59:05

I think it is likely that she has probably been put in a very difficult position by your ex and her husband (presumably the father of the baby being christened). Possibly her husband has said that the wants his brother there and wants his brother to feel comfortable and she has been stuck with delivering the news to you. Possibly your ex has put some pressure on if he has already tried to sever ties.

Possibly she is absolutely fuming about having to do this.

I can see why you are upset, but I wouldn't take it as rejection or think she is any less your friend. Horrible though.

28boxestogo Wed 04-Feb-15 14:59:35

Ok seems I am being U sad

momb Wed 04-Feb-15 14:59:40

gah! took me longer than 3 mins to type mine: same thing applies whether she's his sis or SIL....

itsnotmeitsyou1 Wed 04-Feb-15 14:59:50

I think yabu to be honest. It's great you have maintained a friendship with your children's aunt, however she's their family, not yours anymore. This is a family event, I can see why she would not want any awkwardness. It's just one day. I wouldn't like to be in her shoes, feeling like she has to pick sides, at least she was honest with you. I would let it go myself, get a card, present and say 'that's OK, have a lovely day', be the bigger person.

WorraLiberty Wed 04-Feb-15 15:00:03

There is no reason for him cutting me off from his extended family other than the fact that it makes him feel awkward to have me around.

And that's a good enough reason for her not to invite you imo.

He feels awkward, his partner feels awkward so it's really not worth it is it?

It's not like she's saying she cant be friends with you...this is just about the baby's day.

fairylightsbackintheloft Wed 04-Feb-15 15:00:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

momb Wed 04-Feb-15 15:01:40

No I don't think you are. It's a horrid situation and YANBU for being upset just as she is NBU for choosing her husband's brother over her friend.
She had the good grace to let you know what was happening and to try and keep communications open. Get round there the next day with a pressie and a smile.

trufflesnout Wed 04-Feb-15 15:01:47

It almost sounds like there is only drama where SIL is making it. You have moved on, your ex has moved on. You both have new partners. To cut you out, well, maybe that's understandable to some because they feel that it could create an awkward atmosphere. To text you and tell you that your children are still invited as long as they attend with your ex is mean. I think her whole text was mean.

28boxestogo Wed 04-Feb-15 15:02:26

I do have form for holding people up to moral high grounds and have honestly tried to work on it.

I just think that if I was in that position I'd be saying "I'm sorry if it's awkward for you but I won't reject a friend from a special day because it's awkward for you, you'll have to suck it up"

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