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To think he should just get over it?

(10 Posts)
ItIsNoneOfYourBusiness Mon 02-Feb-15 17:57:26

My OH worked for a Bus Company in the office. He worked long hours, but the pay was good. He moaned about it for about 18 months, but it wasn't too bad. Anyway, at the start of this year, the firm was taken over. He is now a driver again, and a substitute supervisor. However, he was offered a job in the new company at roughly the same level as before. He has also been offered jobs at other places, at similar or higher levels. He has taken a pay cut at this new company, and we went 2 weeks without money, and so are behind on some payments. He and I are understandably stressed about the money, but we are entitled to a couple of benefits that we weren't before, and when they come in, we will be about the same as before, and I know we will be okay in a couple of weeks. I'm also self employed, so we have that coming in. So I personally am not overly worried, it is nothing we can't handle. But his constant griping about his work situation is really wearing me down. It turned into an argument today, where I told him he can't complain, he has the opportunity to do what he did before. He has also been offered training for his HGV (something he wants to do) which he won't do. He has all these opportunities, but all he does is turn them down and moan about his lot. Money is going to be tight for a few weeks, but the end is in sight. I am trying so hard to be understanding, but I am starting to find excuses to not be around him as I cannot cope with his constant whining any more. Our daughter has development delay, and our son is going through assessments for Autism and maybe other things, and he doesn't seem to care about that! I just think that we can control our money situation, we can control his job situation (if he would just do something). I need to be concentrating on the children, and not worrying about things that wil be fixed soon! Sorry for the rant. I probably sound awful and uncaring, but it has been over a month now, plus the whining the previous 18 months. Done now smile

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Mon 02-Feb-15 18:02:47

He sounds exhausting. Constant moaning just sucks all the joy out of life and people moaning about things that are within their power to change but they'd rather just moan instead need a big boot up the arse, frankly.

What would happen if you said to him look, I love you but I cannot listen to your moaning any more. Either change the things you are unhappy about or accept them just stop constantly complaining to me, it is selfish of you to use me to make yourself feel better without caring what your constant negativity is doing to me.

DoJo Mon 02-Feb-15 18:03:35

YANBU - people who have the capacity to fix their problems but bitch instead are infuriating. Why is he refusing to consider the other options available to him?

ItIsNoneOfYourBusiness Mon 02-Feb-15 18:09:40

He misses his old company. I keep reminding him that he could go back and work there (It was a Bus and Coach company, they only sold the Bus side of it) but then he moans it will be the same hassle as before.

I completely get that it must not be nice to have a change forced on you, but this was supposed to be the start of something good. Him home more, even if we do have to claim Housing Benefit for a while, him not being on call 24-7 (which he was before). He moans about the way the new company is run, but I then remind him he has the opportunity to change it by going in the office.

I have no idea why he is refusing the other options. Some are far away, but I tell him that if it is a job he really wants, we could always relocate.

I am the sort of person that thinks no mountain is too high. The obstacles can be overcome, even if you don't like it. I think he is just lacking focus. He doesn't seem to want to do anything at all. He used to be full of dreams. The commute to the place of work is farther away, though still near where we live. I have told him I would be happy to move (and I think it would be beneficial as the housing is cheaper!) but no.

He is finding problems to every solution I come up with. Just really had enough. I wish I knew what his real problem was, and why he can't just get on with it like I am.

ItIsNoneOfYourBusiness Mon 02-Feb-15 18:10:49

LOL HowCan I love your name. I might start saying that to my OH ;)

DoJo Mon 02-Feb-15 18:18:37

You could always give him a bit of the 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' and if he continues to moan just shout 'Courage, Serenity or Wisdom - PICK ONE!' until he gets the message.

ItIsNoneOfYourBusiness Mon 02-Feb-15 18:24:17

LOL DoJo, I might just do that! He knows I will support him in whatever he decides, because I do love him. So it certainly isn't me holding him back! I have even offered to go out and get a job so that he can quit his if he is that unhappy!

I think I need to take the Serenity option right now......

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Mon 02-Feb-15 18:24:50

stop coming up with solutions. It seems he doesn't want them. Perhaps either say oh dear poor you. Or ask him what he intends to do about it then, if he isn't happy

blankgaze Mon 02-Feb-15 19:24:26

Sometimes people have problems with transitions, when one thing stops and another starts. Problems can be magnified particularly when they feel they have little say in the process.

I think he's having problems adjusting to the changes because they were all outside his control, hence him not wanting to do anything because it wasn't his idea and his self-esteem has taken a big knock.

Can you find any options for his future (which of course includes you and the kids) which would make him feel as though he was in control of things again?

On a tangent, if he's been offered a course for HGV driving at the employer's expense, even if he has to fulfil a few conditions to do it, it's worth looking into as to self-fund it's well over £1k.

ItIsNoneOfYourBusiness Mon 02-Feb-15 19:31:41

Yes, I think he would be silly to turn it down. He has also been offered to do his CPC so he could possibly run the company one day (something he has always dreamed of).

He says he is looking into van driving as a courier. I told him if he wanted to re-visit the idea of being a self employed courier, then I would be happy to be the admin etc.

I have told him he needs to really think about what he wants, then he might be happier facing work for a while longer. It just seems that everything he used to want, he no longer does. confused

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