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Should I just grin and bear it

(39 Posts)
helpmedotherightthing Mon 02-Feb-15 12:30:08

I've NC for this...

My DF is in his 80's and we (all siblings plus DH's, children around 20 in total) have taken him our for a meal. I've only been going for around 5 years as previously we lived around 150 miles south.

My DB (who also never attends due to living at the other end of the country) recently found out her had a daughter from a one night stand when he was 20, she also lives locally. Once over the shock, we welcomed her into the family.

She is not a very nice person, very loud and obnoxious and it would take me too long to tell you about what she has done in the last 14 months since we have known her, but we have persevered with accepting her as family. The last straw for me was at the family Christmas meal out where she actually started fighting with some other people in the restaurant. It was truly horrible, we are a quiet family and we were all mortified. The fight resulted in us being asked to leave! Afterwards I had a quite word with her explaining that she would not be welcome to any further meals if she couldn't respect the rest of the family. She didn't take too kindly to this and told me to "fuck off and to take my black bastard's with me"! (My DH is black and I'm white so our dc are mixed race). She was drunk (again) though to me that's no excuse whatsoever.

I've not spoken to her since and whilst some of my siblings speak with her I don't really care if I never see her again. Two of my siblings have encouraged me to let it go... but I can't.

Anyway it's DF birthday meal and she has been invited... I know I should just go and grin and bear it for DF but frankly I don't want my DH or dc anywhere near her.

AIBU to not go...

MangoBiscuit Mon 02-Feb-15 12:33:16

What does your brother say about it? Personally I wouldn't go. I'd arrange to take DF out at another time, but there's no way I'd be sitting there playing nice with someone who spoke that way about my DH or DCs.

Sn00p4d Mon 02-Feb-15 12:35:53

If your DF is in his 80s then how many more chances will you realistically get to spend a birthday with him? Would you regret missing this meal when he's no longer here? She sounds like a raging bitch (abandonment issues probably a factor right enough) but I wouldn't let her impact your relationship with your DF if that is good?
If there are 20 people at the meal can you engineer it that you're at opposite ends of the table and don't actually have to acknowledge her in any way?
Don't blame you wanting to keep your family away from her, her comments are utterly unacceptable and I wouldn't go out of my way to speak to her to involve her in your family any more, but nor would I allow her to damage your relationship with your own family and DF in particular.

Mushypeasandchipstogo Mon 02-Feb-15 12:36:06

Sorry OP please could you clarify the first 2 paragraphs.

NakedFamilyFightClub Mon 02-Feb-15 13:31:05

Couldn't you say you'd rather take him out for a separate meal as the main event is getting rather large and you'd really like to take him to x restaurant which couldn't cater for so many? Or that you don't really get to speak to him as there's so many people so you'd like to do a smaller family meal?

I wouldn't go.

helpmedotherightthing Mon 02-Feb-15 13:31:56


My DB did speak with her and she didn't respond well to him either basically told him to fuck off too. I really can't express how vile she is.

DB didn't know he had a dd until around 14 months ago, he has tried to have a relationship with her and invited her to stay with his family... she ended up hitting his wife when she was asked to watch her language around the dc!

helpmedotherightthing Mon 02-Feb-15 13:33:48

Taking him out separately might be an idea actually...

Aranan Mon 02-Feb-15 13:45:34

If it was just you I'd perhaps think about grinning and baring it for your DF. But no way should you be expected to bring your kids, or your DH actually, along to risk another round of racial assault. She sounds vile.

Bellerina2 Mon 02-Feb-15 14:08:15

Wait, she actually hit your DB's wife yet she's still been asked to your dads birthday dinner?

HereIAm20 Mon 02-Feb-15 16:48:28

I would do what the others say and invite your DF out separately. Your DB obviously wants to forge a relationship with his new DD and doesn't want to exclude her. However, he must accept that racially abusing your family is unacceptable and you don't need to put them in that position. If and when she apologies (genuinely) then you may feel differently until then whilst you want to continue your relationship with him that should be on a separate basis to when his new DD is around.

Don't you feel bad. You are not in the wrong.

TheWitTank Mon 02-Feb-15 16:52:19

There is not a chance I would go out to dinner with a racist. No way. I would be absolutely upfront and honest as to why with her and the family too if asked. I would take DF out separately.

MrsPigling Mon 02-Feb-15 16:59:57

I'd not go and explain to your DF why and invite him out separately.

Who invited the awful niece? I'd be having words with them too...

TerraNovice Mon 02-Feb-15 17:03:35

I gotta say, if I was your DB's wife I'd be giving him an ultimatum. There is no way on earth I'd be letting her back in the house.

AlpacaPicnic Mon 02-Feb-15 17:05:59

She sounds simply awful. Let's face it, this is not a minor difference in opinions - she's racist, violent and confrontational. You are not obliged to spend time with anyone, let alone family members who are like this.

ahbollocks Mon 02-Feb-15 17:12:16

Not to be rude but your dad might not have tooo many birthdays left. Obviously only you know his health etc. I would grin and bare it for my dad, but would sit as far away as possible and ignore ignore ignore. She probably thrives off the drama

bloodygorgeous Mon 02-Feb-15 17:20:54

No I wouldn't be in the same room as her or speak to her ever again.

I've an awful lot of tolerance and empathy for people in her position for personal finding her way in a new family, being the 'secret baby'..

But call my children black bastards?

Nope. Bridge burned. Destroyed. Obliterated.

Take df out another time separately so he doesn't miss out but no to this.

MaryWestmacott Mon 02-Feb-15 17:29:59

Another say separate event - posh afternoon tea so not quite so clearly same again but without her?

It is sad she grew up without her father in her life, and perhaps if your db had had a hand in raising her, she might be a little less vile hard to be round, but she is the woman she is and adults get to chose how they behave.

(You might find your SIL would prefer to join your event instead...)

PtolemysNeedle Mon 02-Feb-15 17:39:10

No, there is no way I'd go out and attempt to play happy families with someone that had spoken about my husband and children like that. No way.

Your first loyalty is to your husband and children, not your siblings, not your dad.

Do something else special for your Dad. Realistically, how much quality time do you get with him when there are 20 other people there anyway?

blankgaze Mon 02-Feb-15 18:30:49

Definitely organise something with DF and your close family on your own for a special meal or event. Make sure she doesn't know about it until it's over.

If you must be in her company, have your phone on record so if she says anything that vile again you'll be able to take action if you want to. Her other behaviour is also reprehensible, avoid at all costs.

ourglass Mon 02-Feb-15 18:56:44

Very hard.

I would probably go, and not even acknowledge that she existed.

Bellerina2 Mon 02-Feb-15 19:00:50

If she's been this awful then who is still inviting her to events? Especially when your DB won't even be there?

ILovePud Mon 02-Feb-15 19:01:04

That's a really situation, I don't I could get over her behaviour and I'd be concerned about putting my children in a situation where this kind of abuse could be levelled at them. I think in your position I'd probably organise a separate special event for DF but I'd feel hugely resentful that I was put this position in the first place and I'd be speaking to whoever invited her. I'm really sorry that you're being put in the position that you're having to make a choice about missing your father's birthday or having your kids around this loathsome racist. flowers

littleleftie Mon 02-Feb-15 19:18:58

Please do not expose your DC to this racist bitch again.

Just take DF out seperately. I would tell DB why buy maybe just tell DF you couldn't make that date and would do another.

DelphiniumBlue Mon 02-Feb-15 19:30:23

Just wondering who invited her? Presumably not you or your DB given her racist rant against your DC and her assault on his DW.
I'd speak to whoever issued the invite, explain why you won't be going, and arrange to do something else with your Dad. It's a bit much that you should have to miss your Dad's birthday because of this, but you can't expose your children to that sort of behaviour. I'd be pretty furious with the person who issued the invite, you'd expect your family to unite against racist abuse.

PatriciaHolm Mon 02-Feb-15 19:36:11

Who invited her and why?? After last time it seems most odd!

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