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to not want to speak to DM at all after this? MH related.

(136 Posts)
TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:23:47

Loooong story. I've had depression for years on/off. I can handle it and do go to the GPs the second I feel it coming on. I have been in hospital twice since I was 13 (now 20s) and as a parent myself I understand she is just worried etc.

Sooooo last night, as per usual, I had my phone on silent, and missed one call so she rang again and sent texts, saying I was out of order for worrying her (she seems to think I will off myself with DS in the house which is insulting as even when I have been very ill I've told her I'd never do something so selfish and dangerous to DS). And then sent another saying I'm ungrateful etc. I read all this earlier today and was really upset and have had enough as it's been a years long issue. I've bitten my tongue because I know she means well and doesn't "get it". When I had food poisening and called her in the night a few weeks back because I was worried I was seriously ill/too ill to look after DS alone (we live alone) she shouted down the phone about it probably being a mental health thing/dramatic thing and I left it at that.

Anyway, I sent her this, this morning: ^I wouldn't ignore you on purpose or randomly off myself with DS in the house. My phone is always on silent and I've told you that before, sorry. I don't think you realize how insulting it is when you imply I'm being manipulative or doing things on purpose. Like when you asked if that food poisoning was a mental health thing. Don't worry about this weekend. Not in a stroppy way, I just need some space. I get you worry but you don't listen when I explain the above stuff. I don't expect to be babied but you can be pretty insensitive about this stuff. Sorry".

To which I got: phones always on silent wow didn't realise was 100 PC of time.... And u have have had MH probs and I was only caring / being caring coz I love you ! Ok u don't want to talk to me and think it's ok to be nasty to me ,. Fine !!! u don't want my help and want to just let me worry ... Take care

And then: Well ur timing and style was impeccable !!! That was pretty nasty how u did that ... Why didn't u talk to me??? What's the bloody matter with you !! Bloody immature .... And ungrateful really . . No more txts I've had enough of this shit if u can't talk to me nicely and have to treat me like that I guess it's best u don't

I know I've upset her and feel bad but I can't take that attitude to it anymore. And I missed out lots more stuff that I felt like saying but didn't to try and not make it seem like an attack but now just wish I'd told her everything.

Is it bad to just leave it? I can't even face a shouting match right now. If I'd upset DS as much as she'd upset me I'd want him to tell me, even if it hurt. I'm taking DS out to distract us in a bit. What a bloody morning sad

EbwyIsUpTheDuff Mon 02-Feb-15 10:27:42

definitely leave it for now. Don't read any more messages she sends today either. No point if it's just going to make things worse.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:28:46

Yeah I didn't reply. She's fiery as hell. One of the reasons I'm really passive. It was NOT worth arguing or telling her stuff like this as a kid/teen.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:29:25

I'd just had enough. I've not told her how upsetting I find it since we had family mediation when I was 17, which is almost a decade ago now.

EbwyIsUpTheDuff Mon 02-Feb-15 10:31:13

I know what you mean.

my own mother's spectacular highlight of not getting it at all about my depression was "now that you've got married, you don't have depression any more do you?" because obviously that piece of legal paper you sign is a miracle cure!

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:34:52

Yeah we have a lot of talks about being strong etc. but I have the crappy type that isn't usually connected to an obvious event. And just because you want to be well doesn't make you well. Or weak. I ignore it usually I just felt so hurt this morning. And to think she thought I'd do that with DS in the house anyway hmm

I get she cares but it's so hurtfull.

PurpleWithRed Mon 02-Feb-15 10:35:17

Your mother talks/texts to you like that?????? routinely??????? She's not 'fiery' she's downright unpleasant. Definitely disengage for as long as you feel it's necessary.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:37:01

Not usually. Despite the text speak she is very well edcuated and believe it or not a social worker!!

Yeah I didnt expect such a fiery reply. I knew she's be angry before she properly thought about it because she's very knee-jerky like that but not that bad.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:39:18


She has always been quite intense though. She texted me last weekend to say I'm a bad mum for not taking DS swimming. I'll pay for lessons of course but I can't face doing it with him. It's a social/body anxiety thing. I get nasty panick attacks etc whenever I attempt it. She knows that but she said it anyway. I feel guilty enough already about it.

Momagain1 Mon 02-Feb-15 10:46:31

So, she wants you always accessible in case you need help, but when you needed help, she blew it off. I mean, what if it wasnt food poisoning, but you were trying not to upset ds who might hear you say you had done something? Did she even think of that? If she is so damned concerned, she should have been on her way already.

I think I see where some of your MH issues are coming from. Your mother is a piece of work. She needs her own therapy, i think, but obviously isnt going to do that. Either you need joint mediation again as she seems to have forgotten any communication skills she was supposed to have learned, or you need help learning how to speak with her to fend off her attacks.

She wants to put on a show of concern, you do not have to be her audience. She evidently cannot understand that a decade has gone by, and things are indeed, different. She cant moveon into treating you as the person you currently are. She has given you an opening to reduce contact, go with it.

m0therofdragons Mon 02-Feb-15 10:46:42

It's fairly out of context but I just wanted to give the other side.
My good friend watches her mum regularly spiral into depression. When df lost her baby her dm made it about her and how losing a grandchild was devastating. It is very hard work having someone with mh issues in your family and worry and fear often come out as anger. I read that in the messages you got from your mum. She was calling because she wanted to speak to you and wanted reassurance you were okay. If dh is late from work and doesn't call I worry and he's been known to walk in the door to have me shout at him because I was scared he had been in a car accident.
Just because you say you won't kill yourself doesn't mean you won't - your dm cannot get inside your head to confirm your words match your thoughts.
Maybe you can work out regular times you will text to let her know how you are?
I'm not saying her messages were helpful or good, but they are coming from love and fear for you. What would you do if it was your ds? Not everyone is a natural in understanding Mh issues. Take care op

EbwyIsUpTheDuff Mon 02-Feb-15 10:47:19

swimming?! we went twice a year if we were lucky when I was a kid, and yet here I am, 40 and still surviving!

it's hardly essential.

"thank you for that, but he'll have swimming lessons in school and they prefer not to have to undo bad teaching for it"

Momagain1 Mon 02-Feb-15 10:48:59

I would hate to be her Social Work client. Hopefully she is just blind to her own personal life issues, and clear with theirs.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:49:43

I've not been ill for over a year by the way, for a bit of background. And I don't do OTT dramatic things even when I am! I can be sensitive and she's always told me so. But I don't feel like I was being touchy for being upset by the texts last night then her reaction to mine this morning. I asked a friend and she said she was surprised (I sent her the conversation I posted here). But I just posted here because strangers are less biased.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Mon 02-Feb-15 10:51:15

I would stop texting about important/emotional stuff - texts just escalate matters. Tell her if she wants to talk about that sort of thing then you need to at least talk on the phone.

Saying you are a bad mother though, for not taking him swimming, is ridiculous!

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:51:58

I get that she was worried but to then accuse me of ignoring her to worry her! (which she did last night). I've never done that and never would. That's what I'm upset about. That she thinks I'm manipulative. I feel bad she's upset too but I wanted to stick up for myself, just for once. This feels horrible sad

HedgehogsDontBite Mon 02-Feb-15 10:53:49

Sounds like a very obvious cause of your MH problems to me. Your mum bulldozes her way through your feelings and then minimises the effect this has on you by telling you you're being sensitive.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:53:53

I do usually reply to texts to make sure she's not worried etc. I just don't at night because i can't hear them and she knows that confused

I don't really know what to do other than get on with it and just leave it for now.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Mon 02-Feb-15 10:55:13

There's probably an element of her judging you by her own standards - is she quite manipulative herself? It seems that way judging by her texts and if that's the case she probably can't imagine that you're not the same.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:56:45

I'd never blame her for them. I was bullied really badly through my teens and she didn't understand how badly it affected me as she's "stronger" etc.

When I was in hospital 2 years ago my allocated MH worker did say she she seemed overbearing and that must be hard to deal with. She does mean well, onbviously or she'd never be so angry/bothered. But it's just too much sometimes. I'm very responsible about my MH and have been since I had DS.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:58:40


Yeah she has compared us both a lot when we've talked about MH/depression/anxiety. Why don't you just try not to worry, why don't you just stop thinking about it etc. That's the point, you can't. That's why you need help in the first place.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 10:59:28

Not her fault. It's very hard to deal with as a loved one. I do understand that. I feel guilty as hell about it when I do get ill.

dollius Mon 02-Feb-15 11:01:04

I rather suspect your depression is very directly linked to the way your mother treats you and to how you were unable to freely express yourself as a child. And she is a SW! Not that surprising actually as bullies often seek jobs within which they can lord it over those weaker than themselves.

Have you had counselling, OP?

ihatethecold Mon 02-Feb-15 11:04:24

Maybe give her some ground rules.
Like, your phone will be off at night.
She isn't to comment on your parenting.
She does sound like part of the problem, quite dramatic really. She needs to get some distance.

You Op, sound lovely and caring.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 02-Feb-15 11:04:31

I've had a LOT of CBT, which I happily credit for saving my life. I do believe I'm very quiet and less assertive because of how she is. I remember feeling like it wasn't worth it early on then obviously being bullied makes you feel pretty small.

She does care and I do know that. But I just do feel like I want more distance after the last few years. I don't want to worry her and I can see it from a parent's POV as I'm one myself but she never truly listens if I tell her she's upset me. Or even when I try to explain how the MH affects me and why I'm not just "being lazy" etc.

Why are families so complicated? confused

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