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To not want to subsidise friend

(109 Posts)
Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 30-Jan-15 16:59:10

I have two very nice friends - A & B - whom I see every 6 weeks or so.

I am currently a SAHM and have a DH with a good job ( this is relevant. Not a humblebrag) but we are by no means multi-millionaires.

Friend A is going back to university to retrain. Obviously, this is going to be very expensive - particularly as she has Dc who will need full-time childcare.

The last three times that we have been out, Friend B (who is incredibly generous but probably had the least disposable income out of all of us) has said - in front of friend A - that friend B and I will pay the bill as friend A is going back to study and it will be very expensive etc. Obviously, I've said this is fine. Friend A (who can be a bit tight) as thanked us both very nicely and accepted with alacrity

As I've said, DH and I are certainly not multi-millionaires so how do I handke this going forward? We are going out next week and, actually, I don't want to split the bill again and pay for friend A. I completely understand that it is very expensive to go back to re-train and that she and her DH dont have huge amounts of disposable income. But I kind of think that's something for them to deal with.

Am I being very mean? How can I say "no" without looking terribly rude? I know I can obviously just say "no" when the bill comes but I would like to try and resolve this gracefully and without causing offence or looking like a tight arse

MrFMercury Fri 30-Jan-15 17:03:41

Her choice to go back to study and she presumably knew she'd have less money. It's her choice to come out with you and her responsibility to pay for herself. Friend B is very unreasonable putting you in this situation too. Just tell them straight.

ILovePud Fri 30-Jan-15 17:03:59

I think you need to speak to friend B about this, just the two of you. It's lovely of her to be generous but not with your money. Doing this the last 3 times has set up a pattern and you need to put a stop to it before resentment towards both starts creeping in. Friend A may assume you've agreed it in advance.

MrFMercury Fri 30-Jan-15 17:04:34

Tell friend B straight I mean. It doesn't sound like friend A has asked for your charity.

mickeysminnie Fri 30-Jan-15 17:05:22

Why not ring friend B and just say while you are looking forward to the night out you will not be paying for friend A.

Laura0806 Fri 30-Jan-15 17:05:57

I agree with the last two posters. Im also surprised Friend A accepted. I couldn't imagine agreeing to my friends paying for me on a regular basis like this-well at all!

imnottoofussed Fri 30-Jan-15 17:06:10

I would speak to friend B about it and say "just letting you know I'm not willing to split the bill so please don't offer to"

Stealthpolarbear Fri 30-Jan-15 17:06:23

Can you just say "shall we split this three ways" when the bill arrives?
Or will she jump in first?
Very presumptuous of b to offer on your behalf, and while I think it's ok for a to accept once, after that it's cheeky

SaucyJack Fri 30-Jan-15 17:06:50

Just text friend B in advance and say that money is a bit tight that week so you'll only be bringing enough for yourself.

TigerSheep Fri 30-Jan-15 17:07:45

That's so rude of friend B. How dare she spend your money!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Fri 30-Jan-15 17:07:53

You need to talk to friend B privately and before the next meet up and say please do not do that again, it puts me on the spot and really, it's not something I can afford to do and I don't want to make A think that it's going to be a 'thing' we do. I don't want you to say it this time because it's going to be very embarrassing when I tell you sorry no, I can't afford to do that.

You then have to make sure friend A knows. God knows how. Maybe asking is she ok with X place, or would she prefer to go somewhere a little less expensive. Or something. I can't think how to word it but you have to make sure she doesn't assume you're paying because that would be awkward.

pictish Fri 30-Jan-15 17:08:37

Call up friend B and tell her it wasn't appropriate for her to offer your financial assistance on your behalf without running by you first, and that no, you don't want agree to paying for A every time you all get together.

Simple.

Only1scoop Fri 30-Jan-15 17:08:56

Let other friend know In advance you are unable to pay for freeloader friend at the moment. This will save it coming to the table so to speak.

cozietoesie Fri 30-Jan-15 17:09:20

I'd be having a hard look at those friendships myself. Not just purely on the money issue but on the fact that they both appear to have overlooked your wishes on the matter and made assumptions about you. (One by offering without consulting you and one by accepting - without consulting you.)

Is this a common thing for them to do?

rookiemere Fri 30-Jan-15 17:10:16

I'd speak to friend B in advance like others have said.

This happened to me once - someone from our office was finishing up on voluntary redundancy, very good pay off and heading off for well paid contracting work. There were 3 of us and other work colleague (who was herself doing the same re leaving) said that we would of course pay for colleague who was leaving. I was a bit hmm about it, but too embarassed to say anything.

Stop this now before it becomes a habit.

middleagedbread Fri 30-Jan-15 17:13:01

OP, say something like "I can only afford to go to McDonalds for our night out, for a Happy Meal. Is that ok with you two?"

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 30-Jan-15 17:16:06

The problem is that I just don't think that they would believe that I/we couldn't afford it and I think that friend B has thought that it is a relatively small amount of money so what's the issue for me. So then I feel bad that they think that I'm being tight - but, as DH pointed out, there is no way that Friend A would be subbing me (and not should she)

I will definitely phone friend B but am wondering about saying that we are saving up for something so can't afford it.

Friend B is lovely and very generous but quite impulsive. So I have no hard feelings towards her but am a bit hmm at friend A for accepting with such alacrity

Only1scoop Fri 30-Jan-15 17:18:42

It's the kind of 'treat' that should be a one off.

I don't actually think you should have to make an excuse re saving but if I'm honest I probably would do that myself.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Fri 30-Jan-15 17:19:06

Just tell B in advance that as you want to pay for yourself only, perhaps she could think of a place to go where A will be able to cover herself, or B be able to cover A and B if that's what she wants to do.

simonettavespucci Fri 30-Jan-15 17:19:34

Next time suggest that you and friend A pay for Friend B? It won't save you anything but might make you feel better grin

Gobbolinothewitchscat Fri 30-Jan-15 17:22:11

The other alternative is that I siggest meeting g at each other's houses but I like going out and no doubt friend B will say that she and I will bring all the alcohol Nd food so I won't be better off!

simonetta - tbgrin. Friend A would say no, though as she is studying and I would probably it end up paying for them both!!!

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Fri 30-Jan-15 17:22:12

Just don't even offer up a reason or excuse, kinda just present it - "As we're paying for ourselves tonight..." or "So that we're not putting A in a tight spot financially, but without having to sub her again, which wouldn't be appropriate, where shall we go out?"

Scrounger Fri 30-Jan-15 17:23:39

It's not just this night (and the last three) but is she expecting you to sub her for the next year, two years or three years whilst she retrains? Once it is all added up it isn't a small amount of money. I think the longer it goes on the harder it is to challenge it. You don't have to provide a reason for why you don't want to pay. B shouldn't be putting you in this position. Suggest meeting up at someone's house if A cannot afford to pay. Talk to B first, it's now expected that A isn't paying. She shouldn't be accepting each time.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Fri 30-Jan-15 17:25:05

Or "I don't want to have to add another line to my budget spreadsheet titled Friend A's night out on me, so..." to make a joke out of it. That one's all in the delivery though, would need to be said with a laugh.

ImperialBlether Fri 30-Jan-15 17:26:30

It alters everything, though, doesn't it, if you two are continually subsidising your other friend? She doesn't get a choice in where to go, she (should) be careful about what she chooses on the menu, etc, if she's not paying. It creates a unequal relationship.

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