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To be so hurt and upset by friend's timing?

(111 Posts)
Notmymuse Thu 29-Jan-15 14:52:08

We've just found out cycle 3 of ivf had failed.
Not that many people know we've had ivf but more do now than when I had the first cycle. The first cycle was exciting even though it was scary, now I feel worn out and jaded by it all. And in some ways it seems less of a thing I want to keep secret - I've started to feel like if more people spoke about it it wouldn't be so taboo.

Anyway I've told four friends this time round, including one who loves round the corner from me. She has an older child and had a new baby at the start of December. I've been to see her and her baby, attended the baby shower and taken gifts etc, I've really tried to separate my failure from her happiness and have done a reasonable job I think.
She texted me this morning to see if I wanted to meet over the weekend and asked if I had any news re this cycle. I told her that sadly we'd just discovered it had failed again. She texted back, usual platitudes - no one can say anything to help really and nor do I expect them to - and we arranged to meet next week.

I return from work to find a letter through the door. It's a birth announcement for said friend's daughter.
The picture on the front is several of the baby with a little rhyme about ten tiny fingers and toes and inside is a photo of both children and it says:

We are thrilled to announce the arrival of x to complete our family.
We have been truly blessed.

And then gives baby's birthday, weight etc.

I can't stop crying over the bloody thing. 'We have been truly blessed' feels like a kick in the teeth. As opposed to what? ive been tryly cursed? Why did she put it through today? Baby is eight weeks old - I've seen her a number of times - I don't need a bloody birth announcement.

Aibu to find this exceptionally thoughtless almost to the point where I can't believe she's done it? I suppose I could blame it on being wrapped up in the newborn but I'd like to think that if it were the other way around I'd have a little more tact.

Nancy66 Thu 29-Jan-15 14:58:11

I think you are being a bit unreasonable actually but I understand the reasons why.

I daresay (if she's a good friend) she really thought about whether to send you the announcement but thought it might be more awkward not to.

it's rotten timing though and I'm sorry your most recent cycle failed.

MrsWolowitz Thu 29-Jan-15 14:58:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 29-Jan-15 14:58:46

YANBU. I am not surprised that you are so hurt by this, and yes, I do think your friend could have been somewhat more circumspect in having that letter delivered to you.

So sorry that you are going through this flowers

SweetPeaSoup Thu 29-Jan-15 14:59:25

You sound to me like the very embodiment of tact and thoughtfulness.

YANBU - your friend has been very thoughtless. It doesn't sound calculated to hurt you, but I can completely see why it has. Your friend should have stopped to think (assuming that it was her who sent the announcement out - you didn't mention whether her DP/H knows about your IVF).

flowers for you - I've no experience of this myself, but it sounds unbelievably tough, and I'm so sorry x

WillowKnicks Thu 29-Jan-15 15:00:24


Extremely tactless & actually pretty cruel.

If it was immediately after the birth, I'd have questioned her tact but 8 weeks after the birth is just unnecessary.

Sorry to hear about your fertility problems.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Thu 29-Jan-15 15:00:24

I think people who fall pregnant easily have absolutely no ideas of the despair of conception difficulties. My first DS was unplanned. I never thought about the sadness those who struggle to conceive go through. Its only now that im trying to conceive that im taking into consideration of how hard it will be if i cant.

Im so sorry for what you're going through but if shes a good friend im sure shes not trying to rub it in xxxx

CrapBag Thu 29-Jan-15 15:01:08


Sorry your ivf hasn't worked. flowers

Your friend has been incredibly thoughtless. I'd personally struggle to see her in the immediate future.

Are you planning on saying anything? I'm not sure I could say nothing. There was no need to send a birth announcement 8 weeks later, to people who know, and she should have thought about you. Too wrapped up I her own bubble by the sounds of it, which yes you may do when you have a newborn but it doesn't stop you from considering others who are supposed to be friends.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 29-Jan-15 15:01:12

was it posted or hand delivered?

I'm just wondering maybe if it was posted earlier and delayed, which would be a bit different (although obviously I completely understand to get it at all is going to upset you atm) to her texting you and then going right round to your house to push that through your letterbox.

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Thu 29-Jan-15 15:04:06

I'm sorry your IVF failed flowers.

If your friend's usually a good person I expect she thought it would be more hurtful to you if she made a big deal (or looked like she was) of leaving you out of any talk or communication to do with babies.

makingdoo Thu 29-Jan-15 15:05:50


I'm sorry your IVF has failed. It must be devastating for you. Your friend has been utterly tactless.

We are currently going through IVF and although friends enquire and seem sympathetic, unless you have had issues conceiving then you really don't understand.

Be kind to yourself

Galvanized Thu 29-Jan-15 15:08:03

Yanbu, if she really wanted to give the card to you (think she shouldn't have anyway to be honest) then she should have done it face to face. Sorry for your struggle conceiving, console yourself with your true friends. She isn't.

Notmymuse Thu 29-Jan-15 15:18:41

It was hand delivered. I assume by her as her husband works full time.

Just why today? Why would you do that to someone who has told you they may never be able to have a baby and choose that very day to shove it in their face? I've no idea what to do with the announcement. Do I put it up? Throw it away? Stick it in a drawer as a painful reminder? What am I meant to do?

Hassled Thu 29-Jan-15 15:22:52

Rip it up. That was appallingly insensitive of your friend - and if I were you I'd struggle to hold myself back from telling her so. I guess you've done such a good job at holding it together in public and being "normal" re the new baby that she thought it would be water off a duck's back to you - but if she'd stopped to think for even a second she would have seen how crass giving you the announcement thing today was.

Annbag Thu 29-Jan-15 15:25:19

It's a difficult one. She might've thought about sending one to everyone and not to you, but then worried about leaving you out. One of my friends who is going through ivf hates being treated differently and people not mentioning babies, so it can be difficult to know what to do. The timing is bad though, I agree there (and I didn't realise anyone did paper birth announcements since the invention of the internet). It must be very hard

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 29-Jan-15 15:25:57

I really did not want to think that your friend could hear your news and hotfoot it round to your house with her birth announcement.
That is so thoughtless.

Do you feel able to tell her so? It's really something she needs to hear, but only if you feel able.

Nancy66 Thu 29-Jan-15 15:26:42

stick to your plans to meet her next week and take the opportunity to say that the birth announcement upset you.

Kewcumber Thu 29-Jan-15 15:27:44

Of course you throw it away. You don;t keep birth announcements anyway do you? I don't.

If you think DH hand delivered it then he has probably been sent off to work first thing this morning with a pile to post way before she found out from you that your latest IVF had failed.

Birth announcements were probably a chore to them which was bit overdue and in the rush to get them sorted she hasn't thought it through properly.

I'm sorry, IVF is the pits.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease Thu 29-Jan-15 15:28:11

I'm sorry your IVF hasn't worked yet. Your friend sounds unbelievably thoughtless. You didn't need a birth announcement.

Does she really know how hard it is for you? I just wondered if you are someone who seems to hold everything together really well and, because of that, your friend really doesn't understand what you are going through. I know it should be obvious but some people take everything at face-value. Because you have seemed so 'okay' around her baby, maybe your friend thinks it's easier for you than it is? It is okay to be honest sometimes about how you feel, instead if covering it up to save her feelings flowers

Annbag Thu 29-Jan-15 15:28:50

Just saw it was hand delivered the same day, that's bad. Especially as you live near and could have been done personally if she really really feels the need to send the thing

Notmymuse Thu 29-Jan-15 15:32:57

I didn't want to make her feel like she couldn't be happy about get baby news so I have out a brave face on it I suppose.
I wouldn't have known about anyone else having an announcement if she hasn't sent one to me, we don't have mutual friends. So if she had just missed me out id have been none the wiser. It never occurred to me she would send me an announcement, I already knew all the details such as time of birth, weight etc.

It just seems so weird to choose today to put it through the door.
I am devastated by the third unsuccessful cycle. 80% of people are successful at our clinic over three attempts. I feel this is the final nail in the coffin.

NickyEds Thu 29-Jan-15 15:33:31

The only way that this is understandable is if her partner posted the card because he didn't know. But only just. If it had been me receiving a text like that from a friend I would have made damn sure that the card didn't get to them. I know when you have a baby you go into a baby bubble but the baby's 8 weeks old and surely your text should've snapped them out of it. Throw it away. It's not something you're going to want to remember.

BarbarianMum Thu 29-Jan-15 15:33:50

I didn't send a birth announcement to a friend in a similar position as you. When she found out she nearly ripped my head off - but I was trying to be thoughtful. sad

I am sorry for your pain but it is sometimes really hard to know what to do.

Annietheacrobat Thu 29-Jan-15 15:36:37

Really unnecessary to send a birth announcement in these circumstances. You can't expect her to keep the birth a secret but it was thoughtless to send a card.

Reminds me of the girl in my antenatal group who kept giving me gushing updates on her pregnancy when I had just had my 3rd consecutive MC. She is supposedly the thoughtful one who remembers all our birthdays etc.

gatewalker Thu 29-Jan-15 15:36:46

Notmymuse -- I am so sorry about your news flowers

Have you thought about telling your friend exactly what you've posted here? If the friendship before this was worth having, then perhaps it is also worth her hearing what you have to say, and you she.

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