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To think that picking over and discussing the death of someone you're not close to is mawkish?

(14 Posts)
MrsTawdry Wed 28-Jan-15 13:25:56

An old boyfriend of my sister's died about ten days ago. He was only 50 so it was sad. She's not been in touch with him since they split at age 17...but she was sad nonetheless as they went out for a year. She heard of his death on social media and has sent his Mum some flowers.

My Mum, keeps on bringing it I hard? Mean? I find it odd...she didn't meet him above a handful of sister isn't in mourning at all...though as I is sad.

Mum just rang me to say "It was natural causes!!!"

I said "What was?"

As his death wasn't on my mind I couldn;t think who she meant.

"Tom!! He died of natural casues!!"

I said "Oh...he was quite young for that...maybe it was a heart attack" and she said " wasn't!!! It was just his time!!"


I told her I had to go...and that I wished she wouldn;t keep bringing it up all the time. She's mentioned it daily since it occurred,

She hasn;t normally been like this when someone we know has died and yes...we have lost other youngish people of a similar age so it's not that.

Am I hard hearted?

PausingFlatly Wed 28-Jan-15 13:29:37

Daily?! No, this is your DM having an issue, not you being hard-hearted at all.

At best this sounds like she's worried about something and projecting.

At worst, it's grief tourism.

ShatnersBassoon Wed 28-Jan-15 13:29:58

I don't know really. Sometimes, for inexplicable reasons, something touches you and you think about it a lot more than other people do. I don't think your mum's being weird.

DishwasherDogs Wed 28-Jan-15 13:30:48

Maybe it has shocked her, someone of her child's generation, and she feels the need to analyse it?
I don't think it's mawkish, it reflects different personalities and different reactions to the news of a death.

yellowdinosauragain Wed 28-Jan-15 13:32:17

What shatners said.

Perhaps, because he used to go out with your sister, it has really hit home because she's imagining how she'd feel if it had been her instead.

MrsTawdry Wed 28-Jan-15 13:32:18

Pausing she's not worried about anything that I know of. She tends to "get into" something now and then. Not long ago she was overtaken by a tremendous patriotism and watched all kinds of guff involving "The troops!" and went on about "The Pomp and Ceremony!""

Did my head in.

Now it's this man's death. She's bored if you ask me. Needs a hobby. I love her so much but GOD why do Mother's do your nut in?

MrsTawdry Wed 28-Jan-15 13:33:05

Dishwasher no. I said in my OP that we've seen people of my sister's generation die already. A good mate of my brother's notably. She never acted like this then.

EatShitDerek Wed 28-Jan-15 13:34:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evabeaversprotege Wed 28-Jan-15 13:39:17

Dh's cousin & his wife lost their young son in a tragic accident over the summer. He was the same age as ds & resembled him remarkably.

Every time dd (13) says something bad to ds (10) I get upset, I say "I bet xxx & xxxx would give anything for xxxxxx to be singing loudly in the car/talking over the TV/whatever"

Now I know I'm not being rational, I know it makes no sense. But for some this may seem like me intruding on their grief? I can't get him out of my head.

Little bit different I know, but maybe she's just a deep thinker? like me

EBearhug Wed 28-Jan-15 13:41:37

It does sound a bit odd - but deaths can affect us in odd ways and I've been really upset by reading about some deaths of famous people than of people close to me whom I actually knew. I think sometimes there are particular details which might resonate - age, or recent marriage break-up, or health issue or something which makes us reflect on ourselves or those close to us, and bring unspoken worries to the surface. It can also be harder to deal with if the image you have is of someone fit and healthy, and then they're just dead, whereas Great-uncle Tom, who was in his 90s and suffering from Alzheimer's or something isn't a shock in the same way.

I would guess it's triggered something in your mum, but she'll stop mentioning it as the shock is less.

My mother used to phone up and launch into something because she'd been having a conversation in her head, and forgot that we hadn't been involved with that part of it all, and didn't have the background. So that sort of behaviour is just normal to me.

shovetheholly Wed 28-Jan-15 13:44:49

Lovely post from EBearhug.

I would also say that this has resonated with your mum. Sometimes things just hit us sideways, particularly if we are feeling a bit vulnerable ourselves.

I would check that she doesn't have any concerns about her health and wellbeing that she's not discussing, just in case.

MrsTawdry Wed 28-Jan-15 13:44:50

So it's normal. Thanks everyone. I just rang her back...felt guilty I did. She's fine and seemed happy that I rang back...she knows it was my way of acknowledging her.

shovetheholly Wed 28-Jan-15 13:45:27

Oops x post! You sound like a lovely and caring daughter op!

TooHasty Wed 28-Jan-15 14:09:19

It's normal for people to be interested in one another's lives (and deaths) It is what makes society

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