AIBU or is DH?(17 Posts)
Your DH is BU, you are not BU. They sound dreadful!
I think you are both being a bit U. You can't force him to engage with your family. If you don't always want to go to PILS then let him go on his own. When they come to you don't buy in booze or other stuff you can't afford, tell them they are welcome and you'll make such and such and they can bring drinks and pudding (enough for all of you).
Why don't they talk to you?
Why doesn't your DH tell them that unless they can be nice to you in your own home, they can't come over?
I think the competition thing is a bit petty, but he needs to say something to his family about being so rude to you, if you are expected to spend any time with them, or he can go and see them on his own.
They sound horrible.
Would your DH agree that's the reason that he won't go without you?
" now he is saying he will tell them it's off"
Let him. If he wants to play the hard done by prat, let him.
I was going to say YABU until I read that you're happy to encourage him to go alone. Stand your ground. If he insists on them coming to your house go away for the weekend, stay with a friend, at a hotel, or just spend the entire day out, eat out, and go straight to bed when you get home (late).
Your time, your life, your choice.
Why do you think he puts up with the way they treat him? If he doesn't get a much better time of it than you do, why do you think he is so insistent on making time for them an accommodating them?
He is yabu you need to stop facilitating this crap if he wants them over then let him host.
And you go see your parents it's a no brainer
It's very childish and doesn't bode well for the future if every time you come to this you can't compromise and he sulks so you give in. If you don't confront your way of dealing with things this will become the pattern of your life
"I am happy for him to go alone but he won't and you know why? Because they don't talk to him, they are not interested in him and when we are there he just talks to me."
So why does he want to go there? Or have them visit? Or inflict this on you? How does that translate into you being "jealous, unreasonable and not being very nice" ? It just doesn't!
He is right that "it is not a competition". But I doubt that you ever saw your request that way. You were asking him to see your position through your eyes. To feel what it's like to be pressured into seeing people you don't want to see.
Let him call it off. So what if they whinge.?
Time for management. The next time they're coming go and see your family and let him do the donkey work and send him off to see them on his own. Life's too short to put up with that bollocks.
there is a pattern here, his family don't talk to you and he doesn't engage with your family.
It sounds as if he and his family don't consider partners to be part of the family.
How are other DIL/SIL treated? Is it you they are being nasty to or are they nasty to all outsiders?
If you have dc, how about sitting down with dh and asking, when our dd/ds grows up and gets married, how would you view the partner and how would you like their partner's family to treat out dd/ds? Try and get him to see their behaviour in context
There are also lots of issues mixed up
1. their crappy attitude to you
2. the money/hosting thing
3. the amount of time
Try splitting the problem into these parts with dh.
so, for the money, ask him to man up and say Could you bring a desert, Could you bring 3 bottles of wine. Could you bring snacks and cakes/biscuits for the weekend? Because we would love to see you, but we can't afford it.
Or - how about someone else hosts?
For the time, start from commitments and put them in calendar, then look at free weekends and ask the question together, how many of those do we want to be at home quietly and how many of those do we want to be out socialising, and then look at who you socialise with, can we fit in friend x and friend y and your family and my family, etc.
"They ignore me when I am there but make lots of noise about how I don't make enough effort with them."
"FIL has never been for a drink with DH and barely speaks to him. FIL attributes this as DH's fault and says things like "he doesn't talk to me about anything"."
Well, on the plus side at least you can not take their behaviour towards you personally; they treat their son exactly the same way (and doubtless many others).
"It's hard for DH to see their PA behaviour when I am there."
Does he see it when you're not? What does he say about his relationship with them before you got together?
"now he is saying he will tell them it's off which they will sum up to be my fault no doubt."
Does it matter that they would blame you? Personally I wouldn't give a toss what they thought about me, I find it hard to care about the opinions of people I despise. And could it perhaps be the first step he needs to take to disengage from them? He's not ready to deal with them on his own, but maybe he can if he does it this way? Encourage him to tell them it's off.
Well you both want to avoid each other's families so it's six of one, half a dozen of the other...
But I don't think you are being unreasonable.
I can't believe people actually come empty handed for Christmas or any social occassion - not even one bottle of wine! So bloody rude.
And of course he should go on his own, he seems to be trapped in a cycle here where he feels under pressure by them but he doesn't really like them either.
I don't care if DH goes over to theirs at the weekend but it will mean he takes the DC and I wont get to see them all weekend. I love our snuggles in bed and lazy Sunday mornings watching movies
I think you may have to compromise a little here and let the DC go otherwise you then become unreasonable.
They do sound like a dysfunctional bunch and your DH will be very mired in that and unable to see the obvious problems very well. If I were you I would just put your foot down, ask for contributions at Christmas, let him cancel the visit and bugger the consequences. From the sound of them you are probably never going to have the relationship you would like with them, they are too odd.
It's a horrible feeling when you have to spend time with people who's company you don't enjoy. He is b a bit u but I think the only way it can be addressed is to take control.
I get in touch myself to plan weekends in advance and I try to make things as equal as possible between the two sides of the family so there can be no complaints. I then get DH involved in planning activities for the weekends for our own little family. It may seem a bit controlling but it helps me feel better about having to spend time with people I'd rather not see too often
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