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To ask mil not to take dd swimming again this week

(37 Posts)
Sugarfreeriot Wed 28-Jan-15 06:27:53

Mil loves to take dd swimming and tends to weekly. However last week I told her not to as dd was snotty and had a cough that seemed to be bothering her. Mil still had dd but just didn't go swimming.
I thought dds cough had gone but seems to have come back with a vengeance would I be unreasonable AFTER telling mil that dd seems well enough for swimming this week to tell her she can't take her again?
Dp fell out with his df last week & I'm worried mil will feel I'm taking sides/ punishing her (she does get upset about these tgibgs) if I say no to swimming this week.
Can 2 year olds go swimming with a cough? I'm not sure if I'm being ott.
Dp fell out with his df over our dd causing clutter in his house with toys & basically fil expresses that he felt we were dirty people who trash his home so now dp doesn't want dd round there when he isn't because he remembers his df ways when he was little regarding "mess" & said it really stuck with him and doesn't want dd subjected to it, so now I can't even tell mil to take dd for the afternoon instead of swimming!
Long ramble of confusing and probably unnecessary info but didn't want to "drip feed".

3littlefrogs Wed 28-Jan-15 06:37:57

Can you just tell MIL what you have said here?
I wouldn't take a poorly 2 year old swimming.
could MIL look after her in your house.
FIL sounds unpleasant.

Sugarfreeriot Wed 28-Jan-15 06:45:20

Our house is currently a building site as we are having walls knocked through, bathrooms put in, kitchens been taken out/put in so mil can't have dd there.
We were meant to be staying with pil whilst this went on but fil had a major meltdown about is staying last minute so we had to stay at my aunty's instead.
I think if I told mil that dp doesn't want dd in their house because of his df it would cause all sorts of issues.

HoggleHoggle Wed 28-Jan-15 06:48:57

I think it would be understandable to say ''so sorry mil, dd's cough still hasn't shifted so I don't think swimming is a good idea this week'. Surely when your mil sees dd she will realise that she's still not well and that you're not just punishing her?

petalsandstars Wed 28-Jan-15 06:49:42

I think the issues are already there. You're just not mentioning them like everyone else

ApocalypseThen Wed 28-Jan-15 06:50:13

I'd probably mention the cough to your mother in law and ask what she thinks about it. If they go swimming it won't kill your daughter but there's a chance, if subtlety worked, that they may try a different out of the house activity.

But I wouldn't mix it up in that argument. It has the potential for exploding.

Sugarfreeriot Wed 28-Jan-15 06:51:22

I think she would understand but I then have the awkward moment when mil says "I'll take her to my house" when dp doesn't want dd there.

Waitingonasunnyday Wed 28-Jan-15 06:53:03

Maybe you could happen to have a spare soft play pass lying around? Or have library books that need returning?

Sugarfreeriot Wed 28-Jan-15 06:54:27

I thought I had mentioned the issue? Dp fell out with his df. Dp now doesn't want dd in df's house without him because his df can be very controlling over his house and dp remembers it being upsetting when he was little and doesn't want dd subjected to that, dp thought his df had relaxed since he's grown up but last weeks event proved not.

3littlefrogs Wed 28-Jan-15 06:54:53

Oh I see.
She probably knows what he is like. sad

I still think that swimming isn't a good idea if DD isn't well.

I personally wouldn't want her to be in MIL's house if FIL is going to be nasty. It isn't a nice atmosphere for a child.

You can't please everybody, so if I were you I would prioritise your DD, then your DP and go from there.

My MIL was manipulative and unkind. Everybody tiptoed round her. She actually did my DC a lot of damage and put a huge strain on my family. My eldest is now in his mid 20s and I am still dealing with the fallout her behaviour caused.

Listen to your DP. It sounds as if he is just trying to protect his DD.

ApocalypseThen Wed 28-Jan-15 06:55:43

If you've been at your aunts you might say she's been indoors quite a bit lately and if mother in law has the time/energy/inclination, x is on which daughter would love. I'd lay it on a bit thick about how she loves going places with granny.

Sugarfreeriot Wed 28-Jan-15 06:56:00

I will suggest soft play instead although she would have to travel further and never seems to want to take her to soft play (to be fair they are stressful).

3littlefrogs Wed 28-Jan-15 06:58:10

I am off to work now.
Good luck OP - hope you get something sorted out.

Shelby2010 Wed 28-Jan-15 07:01:03

As MIL knows FIL & DP had a row, then presumably she knows it was about DD? So firstly, of course if there are any 'sides' to take it would be you DP's who was defending your DD, so I don't see why MIL would be surprised about this. Secondly I think you can, in all honesty, point out that you don't feel that FIL wants DD in his house. I don't understand why you're treading on eggshells with MIL & trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Surely MiL must know what FIL is like & if she is ignoring it then you can't trust her to stand up for DD around him.

If you don't feel DD is well enough to go swimming, suggest MIL takes her for a walk to the park or something instead.

claraschu Wed 28-Jan-15 07:04:15

Would it help to have DP deal with this himself, and have a very honest chat with his mum about his dad's way of dealing with your daughter?

I think if DD is cheerful and lively, not ill but still coughing, there is nothing wrong with a swim. Sometimes coughs hang around for weeks when a child is not ill any more.

Sugarfreeriot Wed 28-Jan-15 07:13:28

It probably would be easier for dp to deal with it to be honest but he is useless and leaves things to last minute/ doesn't bother at all most of the time.
Dd seems happy in herself but sounds rather chesty. If it was just a tickley cough and a runny nose I wouldn't mind but it's the chesty cough that worries me.
I'm unsure if dp will tell his mum he doesn't want dd at her house because of his df as he wouldn't want to upset her. Which I understand but...

NiamhNext Wed 28-Jan-15 07:20:21

I don't like going swimming with a cold! No fun at all and getting changed afterwards is a torture. I'd word it more from the pov of what your DD would enjoy and that you want her to be having a nice time with MIL.

Perhaps they could do something else instead.

jopickles Wed 28-Jan-15 08:37:30

why not suggest something else they can do instead so they can still have some quality time together but so you aren't worrying about your daughter getting any worse with her cough, maybe your MIL could take her to a nice café for cake and juice or to a pottery painting place for example

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 28-Jan-15 08:42:46

I wouldn't take an unwell child to soft play either tbh. Not fair on others.

YANBU to say that about swimming to them. The issue is not you,it's definitely them.

ChippingInLatteLover Wed 28-Jan-15 08:43:04

I'd let them go, make sure they've plenty of towels to wrap up in and comfy warm clothes for after. It's really highly unlikely to make any difference to what she's got.

ChippingInLatteLover Wed 28-Jan-15 08:44:07

Tell DP that he needs to deal with this. Honestly, with his mum, before Sunday, or you will.

ohtheholidays Wed 28-Jan-15 08:44:27

Is there somewhere else maybe you,DD and MIL could go together for an hour or two?I wouldn't let one of my DC go swimming if they had a cold or a bad chest.

Davsmum Wed 28-Jan-15 09:05:54

It seems you are doing the worrying for everyone OP.
It is sad people fall out with close relatives over daft things and that they can't talk nicely and raise issues without resentment and falling out.

If you don't want your DD to go swimming you just need to tell your MiL that. You don't even have to give a reason but if you do - your reason and concern is good enough. Its up to your MiL if she takes offence. YOU are not doing anything to upset her!

If she then offers to have your DD at her house - just tell her your DP is not happy with that following the disagreement with his Dad. Its THEIR problem, not yours, so just throw it back for them to sort out.

TooHasty Wed 28-Jan-15 09:07:01

I would let mine go if she is over the cold and just has a cough.

It seems your DF is complaining about your DD's clutter being there? Are you storing a lot of things at their house? That is totally different to being cross about DD making mess!

Sugarfreeriot Wed 28-Jan-15 09:10:02

We don't store things there no, he's on about her toys (mil brought about 10) being on the floor, dd making mess by picking things up she should etc. the house is a show home and he doesn't like things being moved. Basically it's was a child free zone before dd came along.

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