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To be tired of trying to keep up with working mums!

(117 Posts)
Lottie5 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:36:13

I am a SAHM of a three year old dd - she will be an "only" child which I do feel horrendously guilty about, which may have some bearing on this.

My issue is that sil has a daughter of exactly the same age and her child seems to have more and more toys and DVDs every time we see her. I've always tried desperately hard to keep up but it's so hard when we are living on one wage - sil and her husband have two wages and free family-provided childcare so can afford much more. I feel awful that the cousin has so much more than dd, especially now dd is starting to notice and ask for things that her cousin has.

Also dd's classmates at pre-school , who have two working parents, all go to lots of activities. I try sending dd to the same things - swimming, ballet, gym etc but it's stretching us so much financially. We haven't had a holiday since she was born either and I feel awful hearing that her friends have been to all sorts of lovely places.

I've never been materialistic at all but I'm feeling really inadequate right now and putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with others. I feel so anxious about dd missing out. How on earth do I get myself out of this ridiculous mindset?!

woowoo22 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:38:18

"Working mums" hmm are not your issue.

You comparing what you have to what others have is the issue.

Are you happy? Is DD happy?

LadyLuck10 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:41:16

You mentioned that both parents are working and can afford this. So maybe you should too if you want more.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 27-Jan-15 20:41:24

She is not representative of all Working Mums OP. She has spare cash and chooses to lavish the cash onto her daughter. That is not indicative of all working mums.

Chippednailvarnish Tue 27-Jan-15 20:41:28

So in other words you're materialistic and you're blaming other women who work?

Okaaaay then.

nocheeseinhouse Tue 27-Jan-15 20:43:27

That's life, love. Want time at home, don't get as much money. Want money, don't get as much time at home.


windchime Tue 27-Jan-15 20:44:09

If you like 'stuff' you need to get yourself out to work.

Lottie5 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:44:09

Sorry - didn't want to sound like I have anything against working mums - perhaps I should have said "two income families" instead, many apologies.

Yes we are happy but obviously she is noticing what her cousin has and keeps asking if she can have the same - ie trampoline, scooter, bike, pram, dress up clothes etc etc.

CateBlanket Tue 27-Jan-15 20:44:54

Oh I can't even be bothered reading your OP let alone the replies!

You're just trying to start a SAHM -v- WOHM bun fight angry

woowoo22 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:45:11

I am a working mum and a lone parent. My son has plenty of toys etc.

Could not give a shiny shit what anyone else's kid has.

Do you feel like you should be working or are you happy as a SAHM?

theeternalstudent Tue 27-Jan-15 20:45:11

I'm a working mum. DD has lots of stuff. However, I feel guilty all the time about not spending enough time with her. Parenting comes with guilt whether you work or not. I say enjoy the time you have with her. Material things are really not that important.

flora717 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:45:38

The keeping up with mindset is a false path. It wont ever make you happy. You're letting yourself buy the belief these things are better parenting. There will always be more.
At pre-school they really don't need constant varied activities to pay for. They have a home and an imagination.
If it helps designate an hour a week for doing den building or craft or dancing with your child.
Do things (within) budget that truly make things more fun for you and your child. Stuff what everyone else is doing, the reality is not everyone is going on fancy breaks. Not everyone is diing every activity. You're hearing the handful that are.

Lottie5 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:46:37

It's not about me wanting "stuff" it's about me worrying that I'm not giving my child enough of what she needs. I would go out to work if I could afford childcare or had help with childcare.

theeternalstudent Tue 27-Jan-15 20:46:37

BTW I buy things from charity shops, facebook selling pages and loads of stuff has been given to us from friends who have older kids.

ApocalypseThen Tue 27-Jan-15 20:47:21

That's a part of life though. Three or thirty three, someone will always have more/different/better/worse stuff. She will have to get used to it at some point.

DoingTheBestICan Tue 27-Jan-15 20:47:23

Could you return to work yourself? Even part time whilst your dd is at nursery would give you some spare cash.

Wotsitsareafterme Tue 27-Jan-15 20:47:25

Can you clarify? Do you feel you ought to spend more on dd?
Do you want to go back to work?

Ubik1 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:47:57

I'm a working mother. We do not have much spare cash .

My DDs do have a cousin who is going to be wealthy. SIL is very well off (self made, good for her) and cousin's lifestyle is very different to ours- think exotic holidays, best quality clothes etc

But none of the children are aware of the different financial circumstances. Cousin has lots of fun coming campjng with us and they have lots of fun .

I get the worried around what you can offer your daughter in terms of activities, I really do, but it doesn't matter in the long run. Let your child develop their own interests and hobbies and try not to compare the material stuff.

CharlesRyder Tue 27-Jan-15 20:48:12

So work and then you will be able to afford more activities etc?

minimisemyshowers Tue 27-Jan-15 20:48:40

Poor OP! You'll never manage to apologise enough for daring to have made a minor language blip! grin

I had a weird experience today, where I went to the school I attended as a child - it's now a family home (it was a prep school.) I was only 3 when I started and remember crying for my Mum! Poor me! Don't worry about staying at home! flowers

Spincyclist Tue 27-Jan-15 20:48:42

You're overthinking.

Some children of FT WOH parents are at nursery or after school club until 6pm 5 days a week. You are time rich. That's not to be sniffed at. If it helps, I would have loved to be able to stay home and I think toddler ballet classes would be a small price to pay for that.

Drgonzosattorney Tue 27-Jan-15 20:49:17

Absolutely brilliantly put , theeternalstudent, don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy your time with your child.

Chippednailvarnish Tue 27-Jan-15 20:49:43

It's not about me wanting "stuff" it's about me worrying that I'm not giving my child enough of what she needs. I would go out to work if I could afford childcare or had help with childcare

Given you seem to count "swimming, ballet, gym" as stuff your DD needs I suggest that you get a job that pays well or suck it up like the rest of the world. wonders if OP has a goat

woowoo22 Tue 27-Jan-15 20:50:02

She's still wee though. Surely she just needs some stuff plus a loving home?

Is she noticing the toys etc at SIL's because they're different rather than she must have them at home type thing?

Ridingthestorm Tue 27-Jan-15 20:51:37

Those children have less time with their parents (I know, I am a 'full time working mum' working as a teacher, so basically all day, all night and every weekend!)whereas your DD has your undivided attention when not at nursery. THAT is far more precious and valuable than material posessions.
A child will always remember a parent's love and time rather than toys, books and games they ahd as children. Material possessions are mostly bought to 'entertain' when parents haven't got the time/won't commit the time to their off-spring.
Of course, someone will come along and dispute what I say and rightly so because not all parents and families are like that.
But I have recently noticed that being full time is NOT doing my children any good (50 hours a week in childcare, hours and hours on Sundays and Saturdays with their dad because I have to plan lessons etc). No amount of toys and games is going to make up for what I miss out.
It is normal for your daughter to 'want' those things; my DS aged 3 does and often gets upset; it's normal whether you 'have it all' or not.
Just remember that your DD has something far more important and valuable and someday she will understand and thank you for being there rather than substituting yourself with the latest gadget.

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