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Aibu to regret having my newborn?

(102 Posts)
KittyPurrrs Tue 27-Jan-15 13:33:32

I know I am, I just need to get this out. I know I'm horrible. I care about my baby, he's 9 days old I think he's cute but if I could go back 9 months I would never get pregnant. He was much wanted and longed for my whole life and when i met dp I always imagined us having a family together. My Dp is lovely and supportive but he's suffers with depression and I'm trying to take the strain of night feeds etc so he doesn't get depressed, this also means I can't cry in front of him. but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or what I need to do with the baby, I miss my dp and I just want it to be the two of us again, I want to be able to just hold eachother in bed all night and watch TV in the evening or just decide we want to do something together spontaneously. We haven't even been shopping since the baby was born, I haven't left the house (I can't go out without him, and I don't want to either), I just want to be with dp constantly I feel so clingy. Nothing feels the same, and it never will be the same again. I hate it when my dp has to leave the house but I feel like he wants to go out and not just that he has to iyswim and I'm so scared he's going to get tired of everything and want to leave me. I don't know how to get my baby to sleep after a night feed or to stop getting upset and whinny while he sleeps, I don't know what's normal for a baby. I just want to go back to how things were. I can't tell dp any of this as it would make him worry and upset him, I can't tell my family either. I don't have anyone nearby, I live far away from my family and have no friends (social anxiety) I keep getting horrible thoughts and worries that my family and dp are going to die. I do love my baby, I just don't want to be a mum I want my old safe life back and I feel scared and disoriented. Sorry it's such a ramble and I know I sound horrible. I feel sorry for that beautiful baby having me as a mum. Has anyone felt this way?

PoppyAmex Tue 27-Jan-15 13:39:41

Congratulations on your baby.

Kitty, I'm absolutely sure you'll get dozens of posters telling you the same thing, but I remember being exactly where you are now and I found strength in numbers. Somehow, knowing it was "normal" helped me immensely.

Everything you describe in your post sounds very familiar and at 9 days post-partum you are definitely in the throng of hormones. That was the worst period for me and the fog/fear/depression/panic slowly lifted.

I experienced exactly the same thing with DC2 but with a massive difference; I was expecting it, so I could manage it a lot better.

It will get better and that horrid feeling will go away; just be vigilant and keep the lines of communication open with your health care professionals. They can help you.

QueQuesto Tue 27-Jan-15 13:39:46

Please speak to your midwife or GP, you could be starting to suffer from postnatal depression. Staying in the house all the time won't help either, try to get out for a short walk with the pram in the fresh air and build up to something to look forward to like a shopping trip.

FluffyRedSocks Tue 27-Jan-15 13:40:44

I felt that way with dd, the feeling of completely helplessness!
She's now 2yo, and I have a 6mo ds!
It gets better, but you need to speak to someone like your hv for some support for both of you..

PatriciaHolm Tue 27-Jan-15 13:42:37

You definitely need to seek outside help. Your DP may have depression but it sounds as if you are heading that way too. Can you try to take baby for a walk, at least? They and you need the fresh air.

ghostyslovesheep Tue 27-Jan-15 13:42:39

Oh it's all so hard op x honestly it gets better. You are a new mum and it is overwhelming and scary x

You sound like the baby blues have hit you which is normal but it may be worth talking to your mw or hv as well to check pnd.

Do you have baby friends? You need them to keep you sane- try joining a group at s children's centre or via the nct.

And talk to your partner - you well being is just as important as his x

Oh and yes I wanted to send all three of mine back ... Still do sometimes

PoppyAmex Tue 27-Jan-15 13:42:47

Just to add, at the time I did an Advanced Search on MN for "baby blues" and spent hours reading and taking solace on other people's reports and advice.

Might help.

charmund Tue 27-Jan-15 13:43:22

You're not horrible at all - and your baby is really lucky to have you ! Everyone feels down and overwhelmed after giving birth but do you feel you could tell your health visitor? Or talk to your family (I know they're far away but you could call/Skype etc?) You sound like you need someone to confide in and I'm sure it will make you feel much better if you do. In the meantime - the mumsnet support networks is here flowers

Fanfeckintastic Tue 27-Jan-15 13:43:41

I felt exactly the same when DD was just days old OP, you poor thing. It can be such a lonely time.

I had such ideas of myself being this in tune earth mother and the fact eveything didn't come as naturally as I thought it should have terrified me. I became so clingy with DP it was so unlike me, in the rare times he would go to football for an hour in the evenings I would sit perfect still and pray DD wouldn't stir as I felt I couldn't cope and that she would sense it.

What really worked for me was imaging what a great little bond we would have when she was a toddler etc, all the fun things we would do and how I'd be able to relay all this back to someone who was stuggling. She's 3 and a half now and we really do have the most amazing bond, I'm in work today and miss her so much. She always makes me laugh and I'm so so lucky and grateful that I had her.

I promise it does get so much easier, be really easy on yourself and think of all the years of happiness you have ahead of you.

GotToBeInItToWinIt Tue 27-Jan-15 13:44:06

Yep I definitely felt like this after having DD (and we'd tried to conceive for over a year). It's such a massive change and you're bound to feel like you want things to go back to how they used to be sometimes. And noone knows what they're doing 9 days after the birth smile. It gets easier I promise.

Definitely have a chat with your HV. It may just be natural anxiety/hormones/exhaustion but you could also be suffering from PND so please talk to them and see if they can help.

thanks And congratulations on your DS

Caronaim Tue 27-Jan-15 13:46:22

New born babies are evil little jailors!!! I adored mine, loved him to bits, wouldn't have swapped him for trillions of pounds ( still wouldn't now he is in adult) but he was stil an evil little jailor at this stage! A family friend said to me "you just think how will I ever get out of this, don't you?" then I realised it wasn't just my baby, it was all of them!

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO Tue 27-Jan-15 13:47:56

so many women feel like this with a new born you have to go easy on yourself, you get a massive dip in hormones about right now! all the initial excitement has faded and as you say suddenly....here is this baby who needs everything.

as for sleeping I loved my co sleeper cot, it helped massively and I do mean massively, hugely. look into getting one.

yes things are of course going to be different but you will get a routine, a pattern and you will be surprised once you get over the first three months, which is usually worst for sleep...how quickly your life becomes same again but with baby.

talk to your do, recognise this is going to be a little harder! and go easy on each other for the next few months, agree to not snap at each other, all stuff that happens with tiredness, ask him to take baby in day for a bit - for a walk etc so you can have to some yourself....and take it easy on yourselve.s

you will find, once you get hang of it - its very easy to get round with a baby.

Ladyface Tue 27-Jan-15 13:48:30

I felt like that when my dd was born. I was in a state of shock and felt very anxious about dh going back to work and how I would cope. Speak to your health visitor about how you are feeling and how she can support you. I found getting outside for a bit everyday really helped my mental heath, even if it is just a quick walk around the block. Be kind to yourself, it is all-consuming at this stage but it does get better. <hugs>

Allstoppedup Tue 27-Jan-15 13:48:58

I second that it sounds VERY normal. I was massively anxious and really clingy with DP. You are still getting so used to the massive change.

I would speak to your midwife/health visitor about your feelings, don't be scared you will be judged, as I say they are very normal feelings, you have gone through a massive trauma (birth) and have so much going on hormone wise it's no wonder.

They might be able to offer some support.

My DS is 13 months and it was different with DP and I at first but I found we are even closer now. Seeing him love our little boy just makes me so happy. I love it when we get time just the two of us, and you must make sure you make time down the line, but I also love our 'family' cuddles!

Going out and about does get easier too. Start with little steps like going for a walk, going to a small local shop, then see how you feel about going out for longer.

9 days is so, so early. I hope you feel better soon. Please tell your partner how you feel, you don't even have to go into to much detail of you don't want to, just say you are finding it tough. I'm sure he'd want to support you more.

The baby, baby stage is such a small and fleeting part and its not compulsory to love it. Don't feel guilty if you don't. I was much happier when DS was sitting/smiling.

Feel better and congratulations on your little one.

flowers

Fleetfoxes Tue 27-Jan-15 13:48:58

You're so not alone on this one!! I thought that I would be so happy when DD was born but similarly to you I just wanted my life to go back to how it was before - I had never felt so low in all my life. My partner wasn't particularly supportive either and like you I took the strain of night changes, feeds etc.

All I remembered thinking was 'what the hell have I done!?'

It's a very tough, testing couple of weeks. You're exhausted after giving birth, trying to master feeding routines, housework, visitors etc all on very little sleep. It's a real baptism of fire and I remembered thinking I want to give you back to the hospital. It does get better though. Speak to your HV.

Allstoppedup Tue 27-Jan-15 13:49:49

And you are NOT horrible. Not at all.

Canshopwillshop Tue 27-Jan-15 13:50:24

I can relate to how you are feeling - I felt the same when I had my DD. She was very much wanted after several miscarriages and I bonded with her straight away and knew I loved her but at the same time I wasn't prepared for the shock of motherhood. I too just wanted my old life back when it was just me and DH. I don't think it was post natal depression as such more like post natal shock. Nothing prepares you for suddenly having this tiny person who is totally reliant on you, and then there's all the hormones and tiredness to contend with - it can be over whelming. It took me a few weeks to adjust and get into a routine of feeding etc and feeling like I was more in control and then I began to enjoy being a mum.

You are not a horrible mummy, just a new mum trying to figure it all out. Do you get on ok with your Health Visitor? Maybe a chat with her might help - I think you'll find that lots of new mums feel this way.

cailindana Tue 27-Jan-15 13:50:49

You are totally and utterly normal. I think everyone feels at least some of this some stage after having a baby.

Everything has changed, and it is normal to feel scared and upside-down.

Give it some time. If things don't get better, talk to your HV or your GP as you could be getting PND.

In the meantime, get your DP on board. He's now a father, and he needs to get on with it and do what needs doing. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. He should be supporting and looking after you. After only 9 days you will still be recovering from the birth and you need someone there picking up the slack.

Can you wrap up the baby and put him in the buggy for a quick walk to the shop? Getting out, even for 10 minutes, will help.

scratchandsniff Tue 27-Jan-15 13:51:10

I remember feeling like I'd made a terrible mistake. I missed the old me so much and found it such a burden having this little person dependent on me for everything. There were lots of tears shed.

It does get easier. Try and get out the house for a walk with the buggy. You'll feel much better for it. Find out where your nearest sure start centre is as they'll have some groups to attend. Meeting people in the same boat is a massive help.

Also please speak to your HV as you could have postnatal depression.

don't feel bad as so many women feel like this. It's a massive life changing event.

Canshopwillshop Tue 27-Jan-15 13:51:45

Oh and congratulations smile

editthis Tue 27-Jan-15 13:55:16

I felt like this too! I remember thinking about how I couldn't give my DD up for adoption, as my husband would never forgive me. I felt so trapped, and regretful, and like I had the Sunday night blues (x1000) every day. It was worse in the evenings/at night. I never experienced a rush of love for the baby and wasn't even sure if I could pick her out of a crowd of babies. I heard her cry constantly, even though she barely cried at all.

I too remember trawling the internet to check if it was normal or not. I don't know if it is, but all I can tell you is that I now have a two-year-old and I couldn't imagine life, or want to live, without her. She is, like all children, clever and hilarious and we are great friends. It will get better; but I would speak to your doctor as you need support from somewhere and if your husband is not in a position to give it, the professionals may be able to help. flowers

iammargesimpson Tue 27-Jan-15 13:56:18

Yep, no one tells you about this overwhelming panicky feeling do they?! Go easy on yourself, he's only 9 days old, your hormones are all over the place and you are probably still feeling very sore and wondering when you will feel physically normal.

It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed, the first few weeks of a newborn are really difficult, you just have to forget the housework and sleep when baby sleeps, easier said than done I know but it's the only way to get through it in my opinion.

Talk to your dp, he might think you're doing fine and are happy to be on your own with the baby so often, you need his support.

It does get better once you physically start to recover.

I remember bawling on the couch because everything just felt so out of my control but it gets easier, you will get to know your baby which makes a huge difference.

YellowYoYoYam Tue 27-Jan-15 13:56:54

I'm another here to say it's totally normal to feel like this. That feeling of anxiety/doom/dread/fear is horrible. I had it with both of mine, although it was less intense the second time.

Is there a time of the day that it feels worst for you? I had both my babies in winter and when it started to get dark in the afternoon, that horrible feeling would come. I would give the baby to DH and go for a bath for an hour and have a good cry. I did find it helped just to acknowledge to myself how I felt and let the tears come. It was easier with my second DC because I knew these feelings would pass soon.

Also, I know it feels like it will last forever just now, but you will be able to watch TV with your DP in the evenings and spend time just the two of you. It will return, in just a few short months.

I think you should try to explain how you're feeling to your DH, that your tired and emotional, let him give you a hug and tell you what a great job you're doing. If you really don't think he will cope with your feelings, do you have a friend or relative you could speak to?

kwerty Tue 27-Jan-15 14:00:47

You are so not being unreasonable. Literally everything changes in a moment and it feels as though you will never have a life of your own. Definitely helps to get together with a couple of other new mums; could you join a group. Try to get out for a walk to a coffee shop or somewhere you can have a drink etc.
No consolation now, but in a few months it will all seem easier.

debbietheduck Tue 27-Jan-15 14:06:18

You are not being unreasonable, having a tiny baby is horribly stressful and exhausting. Don't panic, it does get better. Much, much better.

Try to get out of the house even if only to walk around the block. In a week or so if you feel up to it try and get to a mother and baby group, it really helps to meet other people in the same situation.

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