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to want to leave my selfish husband?

(70 Posts)
Hoggleforth Mon 26-Jan-15 11:01:34

I’ve been married for six years, together for ten and have two DCs (aged 6 and 4). I have got to the point in my marriage where I just don’t think I can make it work any more and my only option is to leave DH as I don’t believe he can/will ever change.

Although DH works full time, I work three (long) days a week as well as run the house single-handedly. I recently drew up a list of who did what and realised that the only tasks DH exclusively “owns” is taking out the bins (though this also sometimes gets left to me if he can’t be arsed). We have had many many discussions about how unfair I feel this is, but he just doesn’t seem to get that running a house should be a shared responsibility. He appears to feel no guilt– he can happily spend all afternoon pursuing his hobbies, while I cook, clean, do the garden, the washing etc and if I do say something, then I am nagging. I can honestly say it is like living with a teenager.

Things have now come to a head, because despite my being very clear I did not approve, DH booked a skiing trip for himself last week. I had been hoping we could go as a family, but I just hadn’t got round to organising anything this year and if I don’t do it, nothing happens. I would not be against him doing his own thing per se, but I am so so bitter about the huge imbalance in our relationship, that I feel sick at the idea of him indulging himself in this way, while I soldier on at home with the relentless work that comes with young children.

I can’t think of a single time DH has ever put me first, or gone out of his way to do something nice for me or the DC. My bitterness has now taken me to the point where any feelings I once had for him have been completely eroded and I really would be better off on my own. This breaks my heart as he is a good dad, and I can’t bear the thought of breaking up the family, but I know he will never change. So it’s either a case of put up with him treating me like a doormat for the rest of my life, or leave. AIBU?

ishouldcocoa Mon 26-Jan-15 11:03:39

Maybe you should look at counselling. To have someone else point out the imbalance might work?

ahbollocks Mon 26-Jan-15 11:04:58

Better to have two happy homes than one miserable one in my opinion.
However I would sit him down and say if things dont improwithin the next month and carry on thereafter then im applying for divorce.
Give him a heads up I guess

Mixtape Mon 26-Jan-15 11:10:04

He booked a ski trip for himself, against your wishes?! That does sound very selfish. You need to tell him you have reached this point and discuss your options. Counselling could work for you, if you both commit to it, but you do need to tell him this is where you are. Not in a threatening, ultimatum way, but so he knows that this situation has come to a head.

PurpleWithRed Mon 26-Jan-15 11:11:11

I can’t think of a single time DH has ever put me first, or gone out of his way to do something nice for me or the DC.


lotsofcheese Mon 26-Jan-15 11:18:25

Understandably, you are unhappy. Resentment is just a killer in relationships. Time to lay down the gauntlet, OP.

Outline very clearly your expectations of his contribution to family life & explain that his current behaviour is unacceptable.

He sounds monumentally selfish.

prettywhiteguitar Mon 26-Jan-15 11:23:37

I can honestly say I don't know any couple that the dh would book a holiday as expensive as skiing without the other partner's express consent.

That is monumentally disrespectful, total deal breaker with all the other stuff as well.

I would go to relate but only so you can try and have an amicable break up, he sounds like a very selfish person

DrElizabethPlimpton Mon 26-Jan-15 11:26:56

He sounds horrendous, I wouldn't put up with a relationship that is so unequal.

As for being a good dad, I'm surprised you feel that. A selfish, self centred person really doesn't have it in them to be a good parent.

ilovesooty Mon 26-Jan-15 11:30:19

I think you've (understandably) made up your mind and the usefulness of counselling or mediation would be in ensuring an amicable end to the marriage with communication channels kept open.

TheyLearnedFromBrian Mon 26-Jan-15 11:32:13

A good dad does not book a holiday for himself, without even bothering to think that the rest of the family, especially his exhausted co-parent, might also like to come.

A good dad would be looking for holidays for the family, enthusiastic about spending time together, taking the burden off you so that instead of you simply slogging and existing through the slog, you also got time to enjoy the children, something they'd benefit from too.

My DH is a good dad. A big part of that is sharing the burden, the boring shitty everyday backbreaking time consuming crap that takes my energy, enthusiasm, happiness away from both me and my time with the children if I do too much of it. He knows, BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY A GOOD DAD AND NOT A SELFISH TEENAGE PIG, that sharing tasks = less exhausted mum and dad = happier children.

Your DH may play with your children (when it suits, of course!). They may love him and look forward to him coming home.

But he is in no way a good dad. He's an utterly shit dad. And as they get older, what they'll see and what they'll learn to copy (your sons) or learn to put up with (your daughters) is - as you've said - a selfish, using, entitled, manchild pig. A crap example.

And as they grow, they'll want more of him, too. Not just a quick cuddle or story, but effort with homework, lifts, friendship - they'll want engagement, real time. You think he'll give that? Really? Ha.

Leave him. Get your finances and copies of his in order before you alert him, and set the ball rolling (lots of good information here on how to do that). He doesn't see you as a family. You're simply his comfy cushion, the mug he uses to make his life more comfortable. So get rid, you'll be happier, probably a better parent, and your children will end up with a better, more honest set of circumstances as their model for life.

PasstheDaimbars Mon 26-Jan-15 11:34:02

What family?

To be honest that seems to be his attitude, someone who books themselves on a ski trip, without considering the feelings of their wife/partner and children.

You'll still be doing everything, but one less person to clean/tidy/wash up after and your children will have happier mother.

pictish Mon 26-Jan-15 11:35:27

Yanbu. He does sound awful and deeply selfish. I think you are right in thinking this is what you're going to get from him forever more.

DustyBedhead Mon 26-Jan-15 11:37:29

You'd feel a huge weight lift and no agitation if you split that's for sure but only you know what's best for you and DC. I know I couldn't face the rest of my natural living like you are. Good luck op whatever you decide to do.

expatinscotland Mon 26-Jan-15 11:38:38

I would not put up with this.

PasstheDaimbars Mon 26-Jan-15 11:39:05

I missed the 'good Dad' comment.
Someone once said on a thread that women only say that their DH/OH is a 'good' Dad when they can't think of anything else nice to say.

How is he a good Dad?

Nolim Mon 26-Jan-15 11:41:22

Agree with cocoa. Look into counselling.

pinkdelight Mon 26-Jan-15 11:46:44

I do know a husband who did exactly that, prettywhite, and you won't be surprised to hear he and his wife are now separated. He also behaved in the selfish lazy way that the OP's husband is doing and I wasn't only agog at that, but at how his wife, my friend, put up with it. She too was accused of nagging if she said anything, but fuck that. It's not nagging and it's sexist piggery to say so. He's a child and he needs to grow up and realise he simply cannot get away with behaving that way. YANBU OP, but before leaving him, it's worth trying different strategies, whether it's counselling to get him to hear you, or laying the fucking law down in a way he comprehends. He's not a good dad. You're being too nice. Don't make his tea, do his shopping, any of that shit. Let him know this cannot go on.

Ohfourfoxache Mon 26-Jan-15 11:47:10

He booked a holiday for himself? shock

Erm, when he has a wife and family?

I'm sorry, but on what planet is this acceptable? Why the fuck does he get to go off by himself, leaving the rest of his family behind, whilst he goes off on a jolly enjoying himself?

Sod counselling, anyone this thoroughly selfish is not going to change. Personally, if he was lucky, I'd be divorcing him. If he was unlucky he'd be under the patio.

MamaLazarou Mon 26-Jan-15 11:50:16

I suggest giving Relate a go. Good luck.

MamaLazarou Mon 26-Jan-15 11:51:45

He sounds horrible but you owe it to your kids to try and make it work. If he refuses to change you have no choice but to LTB. He can still be a good father to your DC if he is not a resident parent.

26Point2Miles Mon 26-Jan-15 11:53:32

Yep he won't change. Life's too short

Hoggleforth Mon 26-Jan-15 11:54:19

Thanks everyone for your replies. It helps to know I'm not going completely mad as he always manages to make me feel that I'm the one with the problem (he always accuses me of being OCD, control freak etc). I don't actually know why I said he was a good dad - struggling to think of reasons why now... Just that he adores the DC, I guess... though this is clearly not enough...

ilovesooty Mon 26-Jan-15 11:56:35

Why does she owe it to her kids to try to make this work when she has lost all feeling and respect for him?
He isn't going to have some kind of light bulb moment that will reignite the feelings he's killed by his behaviour over the marriage.
I'm a counsellor who works with couples and I'd be working towards an amicable ending given the information here. Counselling is hardly likely to be some fucking Road to Damascus intervention.

Longdistance Mon 26-Jan-15 11:58:11

He sounds like my dh. It's draining isn't it?

We are currently in counselling. We've had 4 sessions together so far, and one each on our own. The counsellor we have I really like as she picks up on dh's behaviour, but can sense that I have depression and anxiety through this crap marriage we have.

We're supposed to have 20 sessions in total before we stop seeing her.

There has been some improvements in some areas, but none in others. He's still a selfish twat, but I'm hoping in the sessions we have, this will become apparent.

If he decides not to carry on, or he slips back to being an arse, I will go forward and start separation and divorce proceedings.

We got counselling through my go, as I was very stressed out, especially as my df is ill, and I was getting next to no support of dh.

Good luck op with whichever route you choose flowers

Ohfourfoxache Mon 26-Jan-15 11:58:53

No, it's not enough. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are horrific. If he adored his dc he wouldn't have gone ahead and booked a holiday without them.

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