Sister-wedding AIBU?

[Gangie]

Today 20:32 Gangie

Il try to keep it short and factual!

Getting married in a few weeks. Been with h2b nearly 7 yrs & have children together. He is from a dif family dynamic & finds my family (v close & involved) a bit tricky. Can be short with my dad (so can I he is an alcoholic & was abusive to us as children) gets on great with my mum, tolerates One of my sisters, likes the others.

This sister and I have always had a difficult relationship although it has improved on the surface can be fine but I find her hard work. Very judgemental about everyone but particularly me & any choices I make, her opinions on everything wear me down - I prefer to let people live how they like and
try not to judge.

Anyway what I am trying to say is I have a difficult time dealing with her & so does my h2b. He's just less patient with her & pulls her up if she says something out of line.

Recently had my hen night and my sis decides to start questioning my relationship with oh asking why he can't be nicer, why is so grumpy (he can be grumpy and is def more when we are in her company) basically totally pulling him apart. I told her that he obviously has very many qualities I admire and that I don't own him and can't dictate to him how he should behave. Basically I was pretty upset they she took the opportunity of my hen (which was fantastic in very other way btw!) to pick holes in my relationship/oh. Al together not very surprising.

Anyway found out yesterday that she had been quizzing my mum asking if she thinks I'm really happy with him and if he is forcing me to get married (!!!) and that he's controlling me! This couldn't be further from the truth, we have a very good relationship, ups and downs like all couples under stress from work issues/pregnancy/moving house ect. He has always been my rock when I needed him, when my dad was bad on the drink, when I had postnatal depression or having difficulties in my pregnancies.

I am so angry about this! Haven't told oh any of this as he would hit the roof and I don't want to make their 'relationship' any worse. She is still my sister and we have to be in each other's lives as we are otherwise a close family. Originally I had asked her to do a reading at the wedding and my other sister is doin one too. This was to involve them as I had only asked one other sister to be bridesmaid and my best friend. I have the opportunity to speak to this sister tomor & be be honest I feel like telling her 1. It was completely inappropriate and bitchy to bring shit like that up on my hen and 2. Tell her that as she so obviously has issues with my oh & has expressed her feelings about the wedding that she isn't genuinely happy for us I would now rather that she didn't do the reading after all & I can ask my v good friend instead.

So should I?? My other family members will be like omg don't make a big deal out if it/ just ignore her ect but really I don't want someone who's bitching about me, my partner and our wedding to have a special part ij the ceremony!! So advise me please!

That was long!!

[8misskitty8]

Does she have a partner ? As she sounds jealous of you.
If she disagrees with the wedding so much then why did she agree to do a reading and go on your hen ?
I'd be inclined to tell her that if she thinks the way she does and is bitching about you then she is no longer invited. You don't need someone like that at your wedding.

[Ohmygrood]

She's entitled to her opinion about your h2b, but bringing it up at the hen do was wrong.
Why did your Mum tell you what she said?

[pictish]

Well given that he cba with her and is grumpy in her presence, it is hardly surprising that she finds him disagreeable is it?
Your hen night wasn't the best timing, but I don't think you need pull her reading from the ceremony.

[Gangie]

She has a partner yes. And fair enough she is entitled to her opinion, and they are never goin to be best friends - but If I wasn't her sister I would prob feel the same as him!!

My mum told me in because I was telling her about the hen night abs that she had upset me.

[ourglass]

Whatever she thinks, bringing it up at your hen do was incredibly out of line. How dare she be so rude.

She wouldn't be partaking in an important role at my wedding, and I wouldn't care who it would rile up.

[Gangie]

Also he gets grumpy because her total conversation seems to be bitching about this one or that one and how wrong they are living their life ect and he just thinks stfu people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! She has made many many mistakes and I never throw them in her face, however if anyone else makes a mistake or a perceived mistake they are never allowed to forget it!!!

[Purplepoodle]

She is entitled to her own opinion and I would just shrug that off - you dont get on so you don't value her opinion, think of it as being funny that she has got him to wrong.

I wouldnt even bother me mentioning the hen do rant as you sound like you handled it well on the night.

I would ask her if she still wants to do be part of the ceremony and do the reading giving the reason that she seems to be coming across as not liking h2b. See how she responds.

[mynewpassion]

Don't say anything and don't share anything with her in the future. Tell your mum to not tell you about what your sister says about your relationship.

[toomuchtooold]

No, no reading. Even if it wasn't totally out of order to be like that to you, this is your DP's wedding as well, if she dislikes him so much and thinks the marriage such a mistake, why would she even want to be so front and centre in it?

It sounds like jealousy to me but whatever, I'd nip it in the bud. You have the family you grew up in and the family you make yourself, the family you make is the one you have loyalty to.

[AgentZigzag]

Even though you don't particularly like it, it seems like you've accepted what she's like and have asked her to do a reading, but because you're stressed about your wedding day and imagining all the zillions of things that could go 'wrong' you've maybe ended up focusing all of it on her.

Perhaps you're thinking that forcing the issue with her so she can't come will give you a little bit of control in that direction and less stress on the day?

You know what she thinks about your DH, what he thinks about her, what you think about them both, your other family members are right and it's probably easier to try and ignore her. If you do want to have it out with her wait until after you're married?

Is there someone you can ask to keep an eye on her on the day? Ready to land her one intervene if she starts up after a couple of drinks?

If your mum knows your relationship with your sister isn't that good why on earth would she be telling you more stuff to rock the boat?

[Physcobitch]

So it's ok for your Oh to dislike your sister but not ok for her to dislike him?

[PopularNamesInclude]

As she has been actively telling people including you that the marriage is a bad idea, I think it is okay to ask her not to read.

[Gangie]

Psychobittch it's absolutely fine that she doesn't particularly like him, they are polar opposites so I'd never expect them to be buddies, as I have said she is not my type of person, I'd never be in her company if she wasn't my sister! My biggest issue is that she has had nearly 7 yrs to vent her opinion so why choose to discuss it on my hen night??

It just feels wrong to me that she is happy to be totally false by being involved in the ceremony. I'm just v annoyed

[Fairenuff]

Is there any truth in her concerns?

[Gangie]

Fairenuff there is no truth in her concerns

[Nanny0gg]

I love my SoniLs and DiLs.

I still asked my DC, not long before they got married, if they were sure of what they were doing.

They were and are and all is fine. But I wanted them to be sure.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

You describe your family as very close and involved. Given that, why have you never told her that he's grumpy with her because shes a PITA?

[BackforGood]

I agree with Pictish and Purple

[Gangie]

Because whereuleftit it we are not allowed to say as we feel in our family it's very much, put up & shut up, standing up for yourself is seen as argumentative & dramatic! Seemingly u should just allow this sort of behaviour if I call her (or anyone) up on it I'm seen to be causing 'a fuss'

[sykadelic]

First, I'm going to take this inappropriate time to point out that it's "etc" not "ect" :P

Secondly, you need to ask yourself whether you're going to be more upset that she faked her way through a reading, or the possible comments about her noticeable absence from anything to do with the wedding. You could approach it more as a nice p.a. way to show her how in love you are by having her read the most sappy and lovey dovey reading :P Or one where she expresses how happy she is to see what true love looks like or something...

A piece of advice though - at my sisters wedding she had one of my siblings doing a reading and about 1/2 hour before the ceremony said sibling sent up our mother to tell us they weren't doing it. My sister freaked out because the programs had the name of the person doing the reading and it was obvious to everyone watching that it didn't work out that way... so leave her name out of the program (if you're doing one) and instead just have that there will be a reading and have your friend on back-up, just in case!

Actually that gives me an idea too, you could have your friend and sister do a joint reading, then you have all your bases covered just in case!

[JakeShit]

How about telling her that you have heard from your mum that she has concerns and that you don't want to put her in an awkward position at the wedding by her having to do a reading. Tell her you understand if she would rather not do it and that it's probably for the best and that you won't hold it against her if she would rather not do it.
Hopefully she would then drop out rather than you having to tell her she is sacked .
She sounds a bitch.

[Jackieharris]

2 sides to every story- I'd love to hear dsis's of this

"I don't like DSIS's h2b, I think he controls her, I told her this before it's too late and now she's mad at me"

[Nomama]

Gangie... read that back again.... your family doesn't do the 'tell it like it is'?

Well, your sister does! Loud and long, from what you have posted.

You have every right to tell her, loudly and firmly, that whilst you live her cos she is your sister, she can just shut up now.

Who cares if your family think you would be causing a fuss? You will be, in your own defense. Fuss away!

Go to it, sort her out. You don't have to be shouty/nasty, just calm, determined and clear - "shut the fuck up! I have heard enough from you!"

[BoneyBackJefferson]

"He's just less patient with her & pulls her up if she says something out of line."

What does this entail? Is it any view that he disagrees with? Is it done in an reasonable manner?

Is she allowed to voice any different opinions in front of him?

Is there any discussion or does he just "pull her up"?

[PtolemysNeedle]

It sounds like you do have to tell your sister how you feel, it will eat away at you otherwise. But I'd think very carefully about asking her not to be involved in your wedding ceremony any more. I completely understand that you'd rather not have anyone that isn't completely supportive of your marriage involved in your wedding, but excluding her might have consequences that will only cause more difficulty later.

Your marriage doesn't need your sisters approval, you sound like you are a strong enough couple to cope with one persons negativity, especially when it's based on their own jealousy and insecurity rather than anything to do with either of you.

Think about what you actually want to achieve by talking to your sister about this and try to make that happen, rather than thinking about what you think your sister deserves while you're still angry.