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To think of asking a solicitor to write to DS & DH on my behalf?

(166 Posts)
Morven11 Sat 24-Jan-15 18:58:20

DC, 19, A levels - won't get a job - has never thought he could/should combine study and work, even a few hours a week.

And a few hours a week even would make such a difference. We pay a gym sub (that has to stop); protein powders; extra food as he won't often eat what's in the kitchen (which, btw, is wholesome and varied - not many would complain). Tutors twice a week as he fell behind in his studies. He's doing OK - easily, easily time to work a few hours a week and make a reasonable contribution to his particular costs.

DH's job insecure. I work full time and, to make ends meet, have a couple of part time jobs. I'm exhausted. I've talked to DS - many times - and got no-where.

Something has crossed my mind - as DS won't listen - and DH is reluctant to insist that DS at least looks for work (and of course we'd help with that - in fact have done but he's not taken the next steps) and, in the meantime, to cut back on his gym etc. And that's go get someone to write to DS and maybe DH, too - in my most tired moments, and when I'm worried sick (which is quite often) about finances (they are severely stretched and incomes are modest) - I think that paying some solicitor or similar to spell it out. That his mum/DH's wife can't go on like this. Drastic, probably a daft idea, but might serve its purpose? I have no close family who could intervene.

DamsonInDistress Sat 24-Jan-15 19:05:46

I don't know where to start here, I really don't. With your d's I would be cutting out all spending on him completely. Utterly and completely. I would buy enough food, toiletries, laundry stuff etc for three adults and absolutely nothing else for him at all. I cannot understand why you are subsidising his lifestyle so extensively. He right gets a job to pay his gym and fussy/extra food bills, or he gives them up. simple. As for your 'd'h, he's just as pathetic. 19 is a grown adult, do you want him at home, jobless and still sponging off you in another ten years? Because by continuing to enable him that's exactly what will happen.

arethereanyleftatall Sat 24-Jan-15 19:06:37

I wouldn't do that. I just would stop paying his gym and his protein stuff. If he wants it, he can work to buy it.,

ILovePud Sat 24-Jan-15 19:08:31

You sound at the end of your tether and I feel for youbrew. I can't tell whether this is a joke, the idea sounds so bizarre but the tone of your post seems serious even desperate. My advice would be to stop the gym subs, supplements the tutor. Your DS is an adult and he needs to take some responsibility, bailing him out like this won't help in the long run and I think he'll learn useful lessons from this. You don't have to wait until he finds work (and that's outside of your sphere of control) concentrate on taking action that you can control.

Leeds2 Sat 24-Jan-15 19:09:02

As others have said, stop paying for the gym membership, any mobile bills etc and just buy enough food for three that doesn't include expensive shakes etc.

wigglylines Sat 24-Jan-15 19:10:48

Paying a solicitor to write a letter for you would be an immense waste of money. What would it achieve? Would do you hope it would achieve? Do you feel like they don't listen to you?

Well, actions speak louder than words. Like the other posters said, stop subsidising him. You need to do it to be kind to him, so he can learn to be an adult and be responsible for himself.

What does he plan to do after A-Levels btw?

MerdeAlor Sat 24-Jan-15 19:11:08

FFS stop infantilising your DS.

Stop paying his gym sub, his shakes, his extra tutors. This is the only way he will understand about the cost of living. If he wants those things he will have to earn money to pay for them.

You are not doing yourself or him any favours at the moment.

Quiero Sat 24-Jan-15 19:11:50

You can only pay for what you can afford. It really is that simple. Stop all non essential spending and make it clear why you are doing this. Do a weekly shop and people eat what's in the house or buy their own food or move out. Your DS is an adult.

BertieBotts Sat 24-Jan-15 19:12:47

No I wouldn't pay a solicitor. Stop paying for everything - including his food and his tutor - and start charging him rent which includes his share of the household bills. Give him some warning but make it clear it's happening, with a deadline, and cut the luxury stuff immediately, so he knows you're serious.

Icimoi Sat 24-Jan-15 19:12:57

Is your son doing A Levels in the summer? If so, I don't think you should insist on him getting a job: he's going to need to put some hard revision time in. However, if money is tight there is certainly no reason why you should subsidise his gym or his fussy eating habits.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 24-Jan-15 19:13:08

There is so much left that you could do without involving a solicitor! You can start saving money buy not paying for the gym, protein powders, tutors and extra food for you ds. You realise you don't need your ds's permission or agreement to do these things don't you? You can just simply stop.

Don't waste money you don't have on something so silly

Pensionerpeep Sat 24-Jan-15 19:13:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainAnkles Sat 24-Jan-15 19:13:58

Why on earth are you paying for your son? He wouldn't be able to refuse to work if you stopped supporting him financially. He wants unnecessary extra stuff like gym membership and protein powder, he pays. He's an adult, make him realise that.

BaffledSomeMore Sat 24-Jan-15 19:14:44

So you're working how many hours a week? To pay for your ds to live a lifestyle you can't afford for yourself? And he doesn't even put in the effort to keep up with his school work.

You sound desperate and something has to change. You will make yourself ill. As pp say stop paying for luxuries. He's 19 so he gets bed and board. That's it.

kawliga Sat 24-Jan-15 19:14:48

You are being unfair to your DS by supporting him - people like this turn into failures as adults and end up resenting the parents for it. He will resent you for not pushing him off his backside. The reasoning will be 'if my mother cared enough she would have pushed me to get out and work'. He will think you just couldn't be arsed, frankly. This will not end well.

Are you someone who will avoid conflict at all costs? That's why you like the idea of paying a solicitor to handle the conflict for you? Then you won't have to deal with it yourself, as the solicitor will make it all ok?

And stop 'helping' your ds to look for a job. He needs to know how to look for a job for himself ffs.

ClashCityRocker Sat 24-Jan-15 19:15:48

The trouble is, as soon as you do that, they will respond with 'well how much did that solicitor cost?'.

Seriously, stop paying for the gym. He's an adult and the gym is a luxury. If he can't afford it, he can't afford it...that's his problem. Similarly, If he wants special food, he pays.

Marynary Sat 24-Jan-15 19:18:01

As others have said just stop pandering to him. You don't need to persuade him to do anything. You just need to stop paying for the gym, protein shakes, different food and the problem is solved surely.

joanne1947 Sat 24-Jan-15 19:20:02

Am I not following this. Your DS is an adult, he is 19.
Why is what he eats any concern of you, I would expect him to be living in his own house or flat, paying his own rent like I was at 19 (I was 17 when I left home) and like my four children were at that age too.
He is an adult and needs to act like one.

sbear22 Sat 24-Jan-15 19:20:59

Sounds like my DM paying for all of my brother's.. Well, everything. Except he is 26 and has a FULL TIME JOB! You have to stop subsiding his lifestyle before it's too late and he starts taking you for a mug. Stop paying for everything, you've tried being reasonable with him and now he will have to learn the hard way! best of luck, it's harder than it sounds I know, my poor DM can't do it!

jelliebelly Sat 24-Jan-15 19:23:17

Solicitor not the answer. Common sense is - he is 19 let him earn his keep..

Tyzer85 Sat 24-Jan-15 19:23:19

joanne1947 it's not as easy now for 19 year olds to move out, I think you're a bit unrealistic.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sat 24-Jan-15 19:24:04

Have you posted about your son before? The gym membership sounds familiar. You were told on that thread he was a lazy scroat and to stop subbing him.

concretekitten Sat 24-Jan-15 19:26:55

I wouldn't go to a solicitor.

However, I would stop paying him anything.

When I was 16 and I'd finished my GCSE's my Mum very calmly told me that she wouldn't be giving me any money for anything so suggested that I go out and get a job.
Because she said it so calmly I knew she meant it, she didn't say it in rage or anger or frustration.
Within a few days I got a job and I've never been out of work since.

You have to be cruel to be kind.

It's not as though you are simply just putting a roof over his head, you're paying for luxuries too like a gym membership and protein shakes. WTF? He's taking the absolute piss but he's doing it because you are letting him.

He'll soon get a job when he realises that you mean what you say and his gym card no longer works.

CarbeDiem Sat 24-Jan-15 19:26:57

Agree with others - I wouldn't get anyone else involved.
I'd stop paying for stuff above and beyond food and toiletries for your son and Dh would be told that his balls were big enough to make this child now he has to finish the job and kick Ds arse instead of both allowing it to happen and for you to get stressed about it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 24-Jan-15 19:27:34

"So you're working how many hours a week? To pay for your ds to live a lifestyle you can't afford for yourself? And he doesn't even put in the effort to keep up with his school work."

If you can't rely on your DH to back you up then you'll have to do it on your own but YOU MUST stop paying for things which you cannot afford!

"I work full time and, to make ends meet, have a couple of part time jobs. I'm exhausted. I've talked to DS - many times - and got nowhere."

Of course you're exhausted. Anyone would be. And of course you got nowhere because you need to stop talking to him and start bloody-well TELLING him. For goodness sake. If you cut out all his non-essential and pure luxuries you might be able to give up one of your part-time jobs. maybe both of them and start having a life. A LIFE. Remember that? I'm sure you do.

Currently, your inaction is in danger of ruining him for life. For good. For ever. He's over 18, and you have absolutely no legal obligation to support him any longer. Let him ponder on that one for a bit.

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