This has now escalated and I don't know what to do.(147 Posts)
Have name changed.
OH and I are in the midst of an almighty row. It's horrible.
I'll try and keep this brief, although very upset so might ramble.
Just for some background, we have 18mo DS. I have as of yet undiagnosed PND and what I suspect is PTSD, following a horrific time during birth. ( I had to process some potentially life changing news when DS was just a few weeks old, as a result of hospital negligence)
The PND and PTSD are undiagnosed not through lack of trying to get help - I really, really have tried. I have seen my GP, who once had established that I wasn't suicidal, and I didnt want to take ADs, was of no help whatsoever.
I had to fight tooth and nail to get a debrief for over a year. I finally managed to see the consultant a few months ago and am now waiting for outcome of investigation.
I'm really not well. I know this, my OH knows this, but I am proud of myself for getting through the first 18 months of my DS' life without completely going under. He was a very difficult baby and rarely slept during the day. He's a better napper now thank god.
I'm back at work 3 days a week and finding it very stressful.
OK - now to the argument. I have been trying to organise a long weekend away with some friends for some time as I have not had a night off or away from DS since he was born. He was ebf so I did all night wakings.
Nearly everytime we discuss this time away, OH mentions that he will be taking DS to his MIL for a visit during this time. This annoys me.
He has never had DS on his own for longer than 9-5 hours before. And that was just once.
I really want him to just experience what its like to be the sole care giver for a succession of days, more for solidaritys sake than anything else. Just to walk a couple of days in my shoes. Is this unreasonable?
Apparently I have a 'chip on my shoulder' about it.
He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break. I say it is a break. There is another pair of eyes watching DS, you can eat in peace, go to the loo in peace, just have the sole carer responsibility lifted, even if its just a little bit.
I feel like Im going nuts. I feel so strongly about this. Is this just the PND talking or am I even a little bit justified.
Just to add OH goes away with work every now and again for a few days so having to get myself and DS ready for work and CM and out of the door for 7.30am is not easy.
God this looks ridiculous now.
Yabu. He doesn't have a problem with you going away, so what does it matter if he is going to your mil while you are away. If he isn't helping out at home then that's a separate issue to address but in this instance you can't control his decisions.
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If he is only going round for one afternoon in that long weekend then he will be getting the experience the rest of the time - plus he will actually have to get both of them out of the door at least once, rather than just staying in sitting next to the baby and watching TV for all that time and not doing anything else, then thinking that he has done it as you do.
I get where you're coming from with this. You have had an horrendous time over these past few months and the daily stresses you must face are huge. You are worried that DH will have the baby for one weekend, hand over most of the work to his mum and then declare it is easy and basically you're making a mountain out of a molehill by implying looking after a baby is so hard?
Unfortunately though, even if he did the whole thing on his own for a weekend (and you're not going to be able to enforce that), he is still not going to get how relentless the stress of it because it will only be for 2 days and he can just leave everything else to go to pot (no washing, housework, just playing with the baby) so you would still feel the same.
Is he not very supportive generally - is that why you want him to have a taste of how hard it has been. If so that is understandable but there's no way you are going to be able to make him promise not to go to his mum's and no way you are going to stop her letting him have a much easier time of it when you are away. If he's unsupportive, he needs to step up more all the time, not just one weekend.
I think you are a little justified, but can see his point too.
If he had done more than one 9-5 with ds you probably wouldn't complain about this time him going to mil.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel, it isn't going to mil or you don't have a chip on your shoulder but you want him and ds to have quality bonding time and for him to see what its like.
It may be difficult though to not make it sound like you are punishing him. For e.g this is what its like for me, so you should do it too.
I think YABU. He can care for the child as he sees fit. I'm sure you wouldn't want him to dictate who you can see when you're in charge?
in the gentlest, most understanding way possible via the internet... yabu, sorry.
really, you ought to be focusing on enjoying your weekend away, what your DH does with ds while you're not there is up to him, even if that does include taking him to see his grandmother!
I can understand what you mean but why shouldn't he have it "easier" if at all possible just because you don't or can't? Can you take DS to your family during the two full days you look after him each week, so you can eat in peace, go to the loo in peace as well?
Also, it's sort of an ideal time for your DH to take his DS to see his mother. I understand how you feel, life is harder for women in this respect but I can also see why he's doing it and don't think he shouldn't do it to make things "even". Just go off and enjoy your weekend away. He'll have it tough enough if he's not used to being the sole carer even with the trip to his mother's.
You're using this opportunity to make a point. He's not listening so let it go. You'll have to get through another way.
I'm sorry you've had/ are having such a hard time - you have done brilliantly to manage this far.
I understand that feeling of wanting your other half to experience what it's like for you, but I'm afraid YABU to dictate where he goes while you're away.
Sounds like you have both had an extremely rough time and it's not surprising tempers are fraying. Be gentle with yourselves.
I think you have had a really really hard time, i understand how you feel totally.
However, in the grand scheme of things, does it matter if he takes him to MIL if it makes it easier for him? It really isn't a competition. The fact that you have him most of the time, whilst really hard (this is me so i do know) probably means that you are more in tune with DS's routines and needs so your DH probably would find it more difficult at first.
Thinking on it, i think you should be looking more at getting regular breaks, whether that is your DH having DS so you can go to an exercise class, or whatever you want to do for a few hours so you are not having to worry about work, the house or DS.
Is there a reason you don't want to try ADs? Did your GP suggest counselling at all, you an ask for a referral or you can self refer. It sounds like you have a lot of things you need to talk out to get some (excuse the terrible cliche) closure on what sounds like a traumatic birth.
Sorry but YABU. Is there a reason you don't have anyone you can visit for a couple of hours during the day when you have the baby on your own?
I think your being unfair to dictate what dh does during your time away. You need to address your dh's lack of childcare alone in general.
Why don't you want to try ad?
I totally understand where you are coming from, but yabu about the MIL visit.
Does your DH support you in other ways, with your PND/PTSD? If not then that's perhaps why you seem to need him to 'walk a mile in my shoes'.
If it were me I'd allow myself the luxury of feeling mildly humphy about him having a break but no way would it get to spoil my time away. You sound as if you really need this break, so don't get hung up on the MIL visit.
YABU, I don't see a problem with his plan, and it really isn't up to you if he stays with MIL or not while you're away.
And if he stays longer at MIL's than planned at least you can jokily say "didn't think you could hack it on your own, love, never mind", and smile. Trying taking that tack if it annoys you this much.
I understand why you feel as y did but I am afraid yabu.
OK I get where you are coming from but yes you are being massively unreasonable about this. I have had severe PND and it does skew your thinking. Your dh having sole care without help for several days won't change your experience.
I know you don't want to take AD's I didn't either and suffered for a long time. I did take them eventually and my only regret was leaving it so long.
And if he stays longer at MIL's than planned at least you can jokily say "didn't think you could hack it on your own, love, never mind"
That would be snide and nasty.
YABU it's only a couple of hours and if he wants to see his mother then he should be free to do so.
Thing is, op, and I mean this with the best of intentions, he could have the baby for six months alone but it wouldn't make one jot of difference; he isn't suffering mentally like you are.
He's not feeling overwhelmed, sad frightened desperate over responsible over worked or anything. So whilst it isn't a breeze, he wouldn't experience what you did. It's just not possible. It is extremely sensible to avail oneself of all help possible. If you never did I would if pushed symptomise that within your self diagnosis of pnd PTSD.
And frankly imho, you sound bitterly jealous of that.
OP I'm sorry but YABU - I know you have had an awful 18 months but it's NOT a "race to the bottom" - where's the logic in making his experience has "hard or difficult" as yours. If you win this argument, where does it end? What happens next time? Let him be a father in his own right and treat him as an adult not as someone who has to mirror what you feel/do etc... You need to stop trying to control how he parents or who he sees. Your DS will be enriched by more experiences not less. Good luck - don't sweat the small stuff - best wishes
I get what you're trying to do.
Dp does need to understand how you are experiencing parenting but with this he'll end up just gong to his mums and lying about it.
Maybe part of the reason you are depressed is his lack of support?
Thank for for the frank replies. I think it's unanimous IABU.
I guess I just hoped he would indulge me. I can even explain why it bothers me so much. I wouldn't let it spoil my weekend away. No chance of that.
I know deep down IABU, I just wish he was a bit kinder about it.
Oh and actually Baking, I'm ill, not "mental" or "batty".
I think this in an example of your illness
You are very obviously and entirely reasonably furious about your lack of diagnosis and help so you're focusing on this to channel your anger.
You're sick, sweetheart and really you need help/nurture/ and a fucking rest. I hope you get it soon
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