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(21 Posts)
Beth2511 Fri 23-Jan-15 10:12:53

There's a lot of back story but OH has always had DSD different days each week as his days off differ. For various reasons he is trying to get set days off but DSD mother won't guarantee he can have her those days every week so I suggested he goes through mediation and would find out the process and cost for him to decide if he wants to. At no point was I planning on doing it for him, I just said I'd get the information for him so he can do what he chooses.

Well I made the mistake of asking MIL if she knew how, she asks why and I explain the issues we are having, particularly DSD mum telling OH in front of DSD how she has a new bloke and new family, her words. This is upsetting the poor kid.

So I get a really shitty message about how I'm out of order for trying to cause problems and interfering, if he wants to do it its up to him. I never said it wasn't or I had any intention of being involved, I was only finding out how he needs to do it for him! He works 70 hours a week, has DSD on his days off, it's not like he has plenty of time.

So after I get a load of rant texts about interfering and how DSD isn't being put first (again another reason is to give her more stability) we get a call from DSD mum repeating everything I'd mentioned to MIL.

I apologised to MIL as she has got it completely wrong and apologised for not being clearer. Conpletely ignored I also sent a pic of DD yesterday before this all happened which has been completely ignored.

OH has begged me to forget about it and I said if I get even an acknowledgement of my apology then I will for his sake but I'm not going to be completely ignored and treated like a mug.

Have I really done something that awful?

BlackDaisies Fri 23-Jan-15 10:20:00

Try to step back a bit. You were trying to resolve the situation, but things obviously can get very heated between ex partners when it comes to contact. It sounds like your MIL and your OH's ex are quite/ very close, so you just need to bear that in mind when talking to your MIL.

In a way, she is right in that this is between your OH and his ex to resolve, but it sounds like you were just trying to get helpful information for him. I think you just need to step back and tell yourself you've done all you can now.

LadyLuck10 Fri 23-Jan-15 10:28:45

I do think you were out of order discussing this with your mil. Why would you think she would know how to go about this process?

Beth2511 Fri 23-Jan-15 10:37:40

Because she separated from OH father and went through every process in the book and if anyone would be able to help him appropriately I thought it would be her, I don't want to help other than getting the info for hin. It's nothing to do with me but if your OH says to you they have no idea where to start, would you really just sit there and refuse to look into it for them. Especially when they are so busy constantly they don't have the time to sit down to look it up properly.

They aren't close, MIL spends most her time slating her because this kid is with someone different every single weekend and often on school nights packed off somewhere else. Set days will mean he never has weekends off but it will mean consistency which is important to a 7 year old.

LadyLuck10 Fri 23-Jan-15 10:40:15

If my DH asked for help of course I would help him, but I would ask people who knows about these things. It's odd that you would ask his mother that's all.

wheresthelight Fri 23-Jan-15 10:42:31

I don't think you have done anything wrong tbh but clearly something has been misunderstood by your mil!

carry on doing what you are doing and learn not to talk to your mil about it grin

good luck with getting contact sorted

ChippingInLatteLover Fri 23-Jan-15 10:46:32

Beth

Well, that was a harsh lesson learnt. Don't trust your MIL.

You are doing what's right for DH and DSD, dont give the others another thought.

I would say though, that whilst consistency is important, 7 year olds do understand about shift work etc. so consistent does not have to mean the same days each week.

I think it's important that DH has a really, really good think about changing his work pattern to something that means never having weekends off. It has a lot more impact than you'd think it would. Also, he won't get any whole days with DSD in term time?!

Definitely find out about mediation though, but DH will need to sort his working hours out before it's worth doing.

Tell your MIL nothing about nothing and don't be a mug. She owes you an apology, hold out for it (not an acceptance of your apology, an actual apology).

BlackDaisies Fri 23-Jan-15 10:49:32

Well they may not be close, but she's obviously passing on all your conversations to her if she called and repeated it all. You sound very embroiled in it all (understandably), but distance yourself from it all if you can. Your OH is an adult - it's not hard to Google mediation and take it from there. Go and have a coffee and focus on yourself and your family (I mean that in a nice way - I think you're trying to help, but you're just getting grief from doing it, so switch off if you can.)

comedycentral Fri 23-Jan-15 10:58:36

Wow your MIL is a bit of a shit stirrer isn't she! Not nice at all.

Beth2511 Fri 23-Jan-15 21:31:20

MIL has blocked me from DSD birthday party tomorrow... All because I said ''I adore that child, I treat her as mine and give my last penny for her.'' Apparently saying ''that chikd'' in that context means I have been cut out if her family.

Would I be unreasonable to say my 10 week old baby is not going without me. DSD specifically said she wanted me there but because MIL is paying I'm banned

Beth2511 Fri 23-Jan-15 21:32:30

So upset.

MariosYoshi Fri 23-Jan-15 21:38:05

Why has your OH not stepped in to tell his mother a. That he asked you to get the info and b. You will be going to dsd party regardless of who is paying for it as you are his partner, mother of his other child and a part of dad's life too?
And no my 10 week old wouldnt be going without me-but your oh shouldn't be allowing you to be banned.

hamptoncourt Fri 23-Jan-15 21:54:28

How can MIL ban you? Get DH to stand up for you, MIL is being ridiculous.

If he won't then HE is your problem.

Beth2511 Fri 23-Jan-15 22:00:35

because she has given him an ultimatum of he goes alone or he doesn't go at all or she will expect the money for it, she is honestly vile. We quite simply have not got the money for it, we just spent his excess on a couple of family trips away.

If it was any other event I know 100% he would not go and tell her to stick it but it's his daughter and there is no way I would let him not go just because his mother is being a piece of work.

Baby isn't going without me, he said he is fully supportive of my decision. He is just trying to think of a good way to explain why without giving her more excuse to be vile.

Have told him I will not stop her seeing baby, I have no intention of doing so but it will be through him when he is free.

pregnantpause Fri 23-Jan-15 22:09:02

Hmm. So if you haven't got the money, you can't give to her. So he doesn't go- regardless of the fact she says he then has to pay- too late he can't. Sends a clear message that you will not be bribed, will not be cowed, you are a team, and she apologies or f* off.

Then if she apologies great. Otherwise cut her out, no loss.

MariosYoshi Fri 23-Jan-15 22:11:29

He goes alone or not at all? To his own daughters party?
Feck that id be telling her that I will be there as will my partner cos regardless of who laid out the money I am the parent and I won't be dictated to about my own children...and we will pay her back £5 a week starting from next payday and if she isn't happy with that then tough, paying for something doesn't give her carte blanch to disrespect and freeze out my partner...
I am a gobby cow though..and it probably wouldn't help the situation in the short term....but regardless my partner would be coming whether I told dm or not..

SorchaN Sat 24-Jan-15 00:52:19

No way should your husband accept those terms. You are his partner; you go to social events with him. He must not accept his mother's attempt to ban you from things. It probably wasn't wise to ask your mother-in-law about mediation in the first place, but now you know you can't trust her with anything. If your mother-in-law is organising a party for your husband's daughter, you will be there. And she will not see the baby without you there. Your husband needs to set some boundaries.

hamptoncourt Sat 24-Jan-15 17:17:16

you have a DH problem then.

He should tell her she doesn't get to dictate his life and bully him any more and she can whistle for the money.

If he goes without you she will be thrilled and will have walked all over you. How can he accept that?

I would be telling him he either stands up for me or ships out.

Beth2511 Sat 24-Jan-15 18:06:47

He went but because MIL would have ruined it for DSD. As soon as it finished he told her that she will not be seeing DD until I get an apology that I'm happy with, he will not be going to any further events without me and that when she realises how awful she has been to contact me not him. He said to her he 100% supports me And my decision so I'm happy.

Damn woman told me she will never see DD the same way she sees DSD, fine by me, DD has so so many people who love her that she will not be missing out.

I fully appreciate why he went to party because she really would have ruined it for DSD and that would upset me far more than anything she does or says to me!!

Beth2511 Sat 31-Jan-15 23:55:55

She's a nasty piece of work, need a bit of advice.

She's told me she never wants to see me again (no skin off my nose) and completely ignored DD, her grand child, when we saw her in town. DD has a medical issue which involves appointments every tuesday at the hospital and fortnightly scans. After scans i send emails to family as they ask to know updates. Decided to include her in on it, and as last update wasn't good news just got 'oh well' back. Ignored the pictures I also send to the family.

it was FI L birthday today, made a big thing about all her grandkids being there... except DD wasn't nor was she invited sad

now I know at some point she will demand to see DD at the click of her fingers, probably when she has a day to herself and the other grand kids aren't free. Personally I would tell her to fuck right off but I know this isn't reasonable. What would be reasonable?

I've just written an euology for someone who was not even 50. Life is too damn short for this BS sad I've never been called a nasty, horrible person in my life before!

concretekitten Sun 01-Feb-15 00:16:19

I think mil can be very overprotective of their DGC when there are splits and new partners etc, I think they worry about the kids being pushed out or left behind.

I've been in a similar situation to you, it was me and mil who did most of the research and finding out about solicitors etc,my DH is useless at things like that. Me n his mum didn't really discuss it with each other but that was mainly because I knew it was an upsetting time for her so I was afraid of upsetting her. We've never been close tho.

I can probably see why your mil got upset in a way, it's a sensitive issue, she maybe felt it wasn't your place to get involved, maybe she feels a little bit like 'everything was fine until Beth came along'

But I do think she was wrong to act the way she did.
She should have spoke to your DH, not gone running to his ex telling tales.

It's because of silly dramas like this that I no longer have much to do with my mil. My life is now simpler now that we only make a polite visit for an hour every few weeks, I don't rely on her for anything and don't ask her for advice.
I found that when I was relying on her for childcare she seemed to think that gave her a right to control certain aspects of our lives, make decisions without consulting us etc.

Just leave her to it and concentrate on the ppl who are really important to you x

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