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Not to go to my own 40th celebrations?

(35 Posts)
bringthethunda Thu 22-Jan-15 01:19:18

Background to this is some of DHs family now live abroad for most of the year. Went to see them last year for a week with Mil and Dd(2). Lots of naice restaurants, no flexibility around mealtimes or anything to accommodate Dd. I ended up doing the majority of childcare as Dh and rest of family had their dinners and drinks in peace. I found it very stressful but kept my mouth shut. Also, family lives in rural location with farm nearby - 2 big massive dogs roaming freely who belong to farm. Kept coming to house as Dh family feed them scraps. Growled at and nearly went for Dd so could not relax and let her play more than a foot away from me when she was outside.

MIL has now decided that as it is another family members big birthday and my 40th that we all head off again for a repeat experience. I really really do not want to go, and especially not for my birthday as from the last time I know it will be the same scenario with the adult-friendly activities and I will be left to look after Dd. Plus the farm dogs scare the crap out of me.

Must add that Dh did all the driving and also had to look after ditzy high maintenance Mil, which is why it wasn't 50/50.

So, aibu to tell my Mil I really don't want to go? Am totally happy for Dh to go on his own to celebrate other family members bday.

MrsGeorgeMichael Thu 22-Jan-15 01:38:45

YANBU - that would not be a birthday treat!

RandomNPC Thu 22-Jan-15 01:40:29

Your birthday; your choice what to do.

RandomNPC Thu 22-Jan-15 01:43:15

Sounds more like Cold Comfort Farm than a holiday.

MummyBeerest Thu 22-Jan-15 01:45:23

You should be allowed to choose what you want to do on your birthday!


bringthethunda Thu 22-Jan-15 02:03:45

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I think I need to say something before the planning goes too far.

RandomNPC Thu 22-Jan-15 02:06:43

You're only 40 once, it's completely up to you what you want to do. If other people (in laws) don't like it, then fuck 'em.!smile

toddlewaddleflipflop Thu 22-Jan-15 02:39:09

I definitely wouldn't be taking dd back to that situation until she was quite a bit older. Birthday or no birthday.

Sister77 Thu 22-Jan-15 07:04:50

Say no and tell them why.
They will argue that it will be different this time but you know it won't so stick to your guns.

hestialou Thu 22-Jan-15 07:14:56

Definitely say no, your birthday is about you, dh should be focusing on you and dd, not high maintenance mother on law!

FarFromAnyRoad Thu 22-Jan-15 07:17:58

Definitely say no - YANBU about that - but DO tell them why otherwise they'll start concocting theories and that'll probably end up with you being the unreasonable spoilsport. It sounds like hell on earth to me - why would you want to spend the rest of your life with that as your 40th birthday memory.

Frozenchipsareawful Thu 22-Jan-15 07:23:17

Lifes too short, do something else you will enjoy instead. Good luck.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 22-Jan-15 07:28:25

Have you asked them who will manage the children, given that they'll want you to be able to relax and enjoy it, and last time you were the one who was up and down ...

Yes, I think it would be entirely reasonable to say actually, I wouldn't find that at all relaxing given how it was last time, so no, thanks but no thanks.

Or words to that effect. More subtle.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 22-Jan-15 07:28:26

Thank her for her "kind offer" but decline now as it's not suitable. Then tell DH how you would like to celebrate your 40th.

Blindingheadache Thu 22-Jan-15 07:29:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eastwickwitch Thu 22-Jan-15 08:41:01

Sounds like MIL is lumping the two birthdays together. Send DH off to celebrate the other birthday with his family and plan something lovely for yours.

diddl Thu 22-Jan-15 08:48:06

Spend my 40th with husband's rellies?

No thanks!!

Whose bday is it that your husband would go rather than stay with you for yours?

pupsiecola Thu 22-Jan-15 08:58:11

Sounds perfectly reasonable that you wouldn't want to go. I would tell them asap though and explain why, before the planning gets real momentum. Will you DH back you up? Does he get how it was for you on the last trip?

Littlef00t Thu 22-Jan-15 09:46:46

Ship DH and dd off and do something fab with friends. Or not, if you want them there, but don't whatever you do compromise to ke the peace.

Fudgeface123 Thu 22-Jan-15 10:09:06

I'd expect your DH to spend your 40th with you, I'd be terribly upset if mine chose to spend it elsewhere

Icimoi Thu 22-Jan-15 10:13:38

Book a week off for you, DH and DD somewhere well away from the in-laws, then tell them what a shame, you've already made arrangements.

Only1scoop Thu 22-Jan-15 10:17:14


I'd make sure they know you have alternate plans.

Poledra Thu 22-Jan-15 10:18:26

The thing is, it's not 'your own 40th celebration', is it? It's what someone else has decided that you should do for your 40th. FWIW, on my 40th, it snowed, I stayed at home with DH and the children and baked cakes. 'Twas lovely and it was my choice (well, I didn't choose the snow, it was a nice added extra! grin).
Do what you want to celebrate your birthday, not what someone else thinks is appropriate.

NeedABumChange Thu 22-Jan-15 10:46:55

It's your fault though if you kept your mouth shut. And I'm not sure why an entire family needs to move mealtimes for your pfb. You sound a bit of a party pooper.

GoEasyPudding Thu 22-Jan-15 11:17:23

Move very quickly and get something sorted for your birthday.

You don't need to book an alternative holiday or anything, just something nice you would like to do. I went to the cinema and had lunch out with DH.

If anyone was trying to plan a holiday with wild dogs though I would be booking something a bit more difficult to move like theatre tickets.

Get creative and start planning your birthday now!

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