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To ask DH to skip his bro's stag do in Iceland next week

(169 Posts)
microferret Wed 21-Jan-15 19:43:23

It's not that I'm worried he'll misbehave or anything like that, I trust him 100%... The reason is that we have a 7 week old baby who doesn't sleep at all during the daytime and is pretty fussy, feeding constantly, and I don't know how I'll cope.

Back when the trip was booked we thought naively that by then we'd be enough into the swing of things for me to be alone. The trip is four days long which sounded short when it was booked but now stretches out in front of me like an endless road of doom. Considering that I'm tearing my hair out by the time he gets home from work at 6 or 7 I just feel increasingly like four long days alone will be a disaster.

We are expats based in Berlin so there are no family members who could come and stay. I have 2 very close friends who would want to help but really don't know what to do with a baby. I would be genuinely alone.

I have a history of anxiety and depression and I've just been to the doctor to get a prescription for sertraline as I can feel the anxiety and obsessive thoughts creeping back. One of the repeated negative thoughts I suffer from is fear something will happen to DH, so that adds an extra dimension of misery.

I really don't want to be the needy wife that stops her husband doing things, but I can't help feeling this way. It just seems far too early to be left all alone. I am in awe of single parents after experiencing the first weeks of motherhood. I've raised it with DH and he is sympathetic and wants to stay but is worried about upsetting his brother. I also understand and it would be a shame for his brother but fear four days of frustration, loneliness, anxiety, poor personal hygiene and the threat of a psychological meltdown.

Am I being unreasonable?

sliceofkate Wed 21-Jan-15 19:51:47

my DH went away with work for 5nights when my pfb was just 6wks old. it was short notice too as we were in the middle of a kitchen re fit! the night before I felt sick, really didn't want him to go but he had to really, and both me and the baby managed just fine.
you say you have couple of friends who would want to help, surely they ate capable of holding the baby whilst you shower/bathe or they can take baby for a walk in pram whilst you get an hours kip? you have time before he goes to stick up on snacks etc make some lasagne/cottage pie and freeze it so you can heat and eat that when he's gone.
I understand it seems very daunting right now but it will pass in a whirlwind and you will cope better than you think you will. smile

kewtogetin Wed 21-Jan-15 19:52:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable but by the same token I think he should go. My husband began working away mon-fri when our first born was 3 weeks old so I know some of how you feel, I'm not telling you this to show you how much worse off I was but merely to say that you WILL manage. Yes it's bloody exhausting but why should both of you be miserable?! Life (for men anyway) goes back to normal, it has to, plus this is not a vague acquaintance it's his brother and it sounds like he wants to go. I think asking him not to will cause some resentment.

sliceofkate Wed 21-Jan-15 19:53:42

for what it's worth I don't think that YABU, it's perfectly normal to feel anxious when you have a tiny baby thanks

TenMinutesEarly Wed 21-Jan-15 19:54:04

Could you go to stay with family members in the uk while he is away?

Galvanized Wed 21-Jan-15 19:54:16

Yanbu, 7 weeks is such early days! He should cancel, you've made your case very well. Sure you'll cope if you have to but you shouldn't have to at this stage.

QuietNinjaTardis Wed 21-Jan-15 19:56:04

Could he just go for two days as a compromise?

WhyNotSmile Wed 21-Jan-15 19:56:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are still in the very early days of parenting, and it's all very new. Presumably you haven't had a lot of support up to this point either. You need to be taking good care of yourself as well as looking after the baby.

I think if you're already feeling dread, and the return of obsessive thoughts etc, you need to prioritise tackling that, getting plenty of rest, and having someone to help you out.

Could you both do something with the brother after the stag do? Treat him to a nice meal out (if he lives near you)? Is there any possibility the trip could be cut to 2 days instead of 4?

Don't rule out your friends either - they might not know what to do with a baby, but (a) they could learn and (b) they could help with other things, housework etc. to give you a break.

Hurr1cane Wed 21-Jan-15 19:56:15

DSs dad left when he was 3 weeks old. We managed. Although I completely understand why you're worried and stressed and I totally get the whole obsessive thoughts about something bad happening sad it's horrible.

But, if he goes, you will get though it, and then you'll see how strong you are. It'll be fine honestly.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 21-Jan-15 19:57:59

You will manage fine. Just chill with the baby, forget all house work, just make sure you get out for a walk with the baby in the pram each day.

I don't think your DH should cancel - it is his brother after all.

Leeds2 Wed 21-Jan-15 19:58:19

Could he maybe cut the trip down to, say, 2 days? Does he know how you are feeling?

Fwiw, you will probably cope just fine, but that doesn't really help you. Would second the idea of involving your friends. Get them to invite you for lunch/dinner. Meet them for a pub lunch. Anything so that you have some company.

SillyBlueHat Wed 21-Jan-15 19:58:56

Don't ask him not to go. It's an important event for him.
Ask your friends to keep you company. As someone said above, surely they can hold a baby. Even if they can't, having another adult around can be a saving grace. My partner went away a lot with work when my DC were small and at first I dreaded it. It really wasn't too bad though, just make sure you get out and about lots, have plans and see people.
You'll get through it and when baby isn't so dependant on you, he can return the favour

Armpitt Wed 21-Jan-15 20:00:04

you will be FINE! once they shut the door you will think' oh thats ok - i am fine' and IT WILL BE FINE

MrsWolowitz Wed 21-Jan-15 20:00:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Armpitt Wed 21-Jan-15 20:00:38

you cant go to half a stag do. THats like doing one half of a football match

scratchandsniff Wed 21-Jan-15 20:01:14

I totally understand how you feel and I too would have been filled with dread at the thought of it. I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Jan-15 20:07:01

I would not ask him not to go, it's his brother FGS. If it was some bloke from down the pub's stag do it might be a different story

You might surprise yourself at how well you do

Come on, buck up. You are a big girl and it's just a baby. You are in charge.

Starlightbright1 Wed 21-Jan-15 20:07:04

I understand your feelings but also think you should let him go.

It is tough but you will manage. I also think get your friends over even if they make a cup of tea and hold baby while you have a shower.

If they don't have children yet they tend to love a big cuddle

MrsLindor Wed 21-Jan-15 20:07:31

Have you just got the one dc?

Chilicosrenegade Wed 21-Jan-15 20:08:54

You can do it. He shouldn't miss this family event imo.

microferret Wed 21-Jan-15 20:11:09

Thanks all for the support and helpful advice. In an ideal world I know it would be better for him to go, I can see that it might make things awkward between me and his brother if I was the reason he skipped the trip...

Kewtogetin, I do agree that life shouldn't be miserable for both of us, but it also grates a bit that society expects me to be doubly miserable whilst DH goes on holiday with the lads. Life has already changed massively for me and minimally for DH in comparison. We're a team and I can't help feeling we should be facing this challenging time together, as equals.

As we've got a bit of time I can ask my friends what sort of help they could offer and see if it will be viable. I know often the idea of a thing is worse than the thing itself... Who knows, perhaps it will be fine and I will come out of it feeling all empowered and capable and confident confused

Goingintohibernation Wed 21-Jan-15 20:13:09

I'm afraid I think you should let him go. Can you get him to cook you meals for while he is away, and freeze them, so you have something easy to stick in the microwave to eat. Make sure you are fully stocked with nappies etc for the baby, and do no housework while he is away. Then all you have to do is keep yourself and the baby clean, and fed while he is gone. It may be tough, but it is only 4 days, and you will feel so much better afterwards knowing you coped!

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 21-Jan-15 20:13:36

I think you're doubting yourself unjustly here.

I would talk to your DH about how you're feeling though, just so you're not bottling it all up. I bottle things up and make it so much worse in my head than it would be if I actually just said something.

Mouthfulofquiz Wed 21-Jan-15 20:14:02

I think that he should go - because, after its all gone well, it will be such a confidence boost for you. Just get organised before he goes, do a big shop, nappies, everything you might need. Get your friends round just for some company. It will be over before you know it.
Pop the baby in a Moses basket in the bathroom or in a bouncy chair or something while you have a shower: mine always enjoyed that.
Get your clothes ready so you are at least able to grab something clean really quickly.
Keep a bag with nappies and spare clothes etc by the front door so you can go out and get some fresh air without too much hassle.
The world won't end; you'll be fine, and proud of yourself when you survive it!

OrangesJuicyOranges Wed 21-Jan-15 20:16:27

I can see you are overwhelmed with doubt and worry and that these would be reason to ask him to stay. But I agree that he should go. I would find it really hard to miss the equivalent event for my husband. See what support you can get and buy in ready made food. You CAN do it.

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