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To think can I just be proud of DDs acheivements without other Mum turning it into a competition

(64 Posts)
ChattyAndCatty Tue 20-Jan-15 18:53:40

Just that really. Fed up with another Mum turning everything into a competition!
DD (2) has been plodding along at her own pace quite happily, hitting all the milestones with no problems, but I wouldn't say she is above average. Her DD is a couple of months older than DD, and while very advanced with some things, isn't the perfect child her DM makes her out to be, in fact she is rather naughty and dare I say spiteful.
If I even hint at an achievement for my DD however it is ALWAYS countered with 'Oh well * has been doing that for aaaages, and can also do all of this too....'
Or if my DD dares to do something ahead of her DD I get a bundle of excuses as to why her DD isn't doing it too, even when I haven't said a word about it...
I've gotten to the point where I have been avoiding her because I am going to end up being quite rude to her soon.
One example is my DD was ready for potty training, all the signs were there, but she just didn't want to sit on the potty, her DD was also ready, but would sit on the potty etc. As it turned out DD just wanted to use the toilet, not a potty, and now that we've worked that out she is flying ahead of the other lass in terms of being in knickers all day (including school runs with no accidents at all for two weeks)
And other Mum is constantly saying 'Oh well * was doing it first don't forget' and then giving an excuse as to why DD is in a nappy for the day. I don't care, I didn't even tell her DD was doing well, she's just noticed that I've been carrying a bag with a potty and change of clothes in (just in case) and started with it all.

Am I right in thinking she's not as secure in what her DD is doing after all. She doesn't seem to like it if DD who is younger, and tends to plod along at her own pace manages to do something first?
I'm also being asked if DD has done such and such yet, before leading into a * has discussion. But, the thing with my DD, is she's really quite smart, and she won't do/say anything until she has it completely sussed out first. For example she won't 'parrot' words, she learns what they mean and where to use them, THEN she will speak a full sentence, instead of small two word sentences. She uses all her 'joining words' which I've been told is really good at her age.

I feel like I can't mention DDs good points because it turns into the above and it's frustrating. I don't get this reaction from anyone else?
It's hard because I'm even more chuffed with DDs progress as my DTSs had speech delays and other issues which meant that they didn't hit the same milestones as DD is when they 'should' have (They made up for it in other ways though, and are absolutely fine now) But I feel like I can't talk about it with this Mum, and it's a shame because in every other way she is lovely and we are friends. It seems to be a more recent thing, or maybe I've just not noticed it before?

AIBU to just want to say 'look how brilliant my DD is' just once with out other Mum being like this? Just once would be fine.

tilder Tue 20-Jan-15 18:56:57

Welcome to the wonderful world of competitive parenting. Either smile and nod or ignore. She will (hopefully) grow out of it.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Tue 20-Jan-15 19:03:29

Engineer a conversation about competitive parenting and how boring you find it and how much you prefer friendships where each can be happy with what their own child is doing and be pleased for their friend's child without having to compare all the time.

You may want to be a bit more subtle. grin maybe a story about a 'friend' who's having trouble, or an article you read.

Or just tell her. Sometimes you just want a little boast about your child without her trying to tell you how her child is better and in return you are happy to listen and be pleased about her child's achievements.

Again-In a less nobbish way.

ChattyAndCatty Tue 20-Jan-15 19:08:23

It's just so frustrating, I always make sure I say 'That's great' when I hear the newest achievement of my friends kids or my siblings children. I make a real effort for the conversation to be just that. Mainly because I went through this with my older children. I started to wonder if I was doing it too, so I make a conscious effort not to.
DD has been making huge leaps recently, instead of her usual pace, and I have quite a few bits to be proud of at the moment. But when every thing is countered with something, it seems aimed to put DD down, I know it's not meant like that, but that's often how it feels. Very much a case of my DD is better than yours. And I can't stand that.

DoJo Tue 20-Jan-15 19:16:07

How are you coming into contact with this woman, and is there any way you can limit it? Or failing that, whenever it comes up say 'She is doing x now, although I'm sure * the wonder-baby is probably joining Mensa and looking at universities by now' and see if she takes the hint...!

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Tue 20-Jan-15 19:18:44

If she's your friend, can't you tell her how you feel?

flora717 Tue 20-Jan-15 19:22:17

I would definitely be taking the piss anyway I could. But I do so love a competitive parent. You know, to have a good giggle about really.
I do adore my DD's and am proud of them amazed they're doing alright with my lackadaisical parenting. But I have never lived vicariously. Their achievements / development is all them. It doesn't reflect on me really.
You could be "sympathetic". ... ask her if she's worried / someone has said something as she's soooooo focused on it.

ChattyAndCatty Tue 20-Jan-15 19:28:22

HowCanIMiss I've tried being subtle.
We see eachother on the school runs and became friends.
I just don't want to get to the point of telling her straight that I'm fed up of it, I'm sure it will pass, I've not noticed it before, only since we started back after Christmas.
I also don't really want to 'rock the boat' as in every other way she is lovely.

I came across some competitive parents with my older children, but this is something entirely different!

Hurr1cane Tue 20-Jan-15 19:30:45

Haha at least you get competitive parenting, I haven't experienced this personally (because I would drop anyone who did this) but I run a support group for children with a specific disability. People actually engage in 'my child is more disabled than your child' conversations.

It's absolutely unbelievable. Never seen anything like it!

Shockers Tue 20-Jan-15 19:31:31

A "spiteful" two year old?

Schoolaroundthecorner Tue 20-Jan-15 19:40:18

Why don't you just say 'well that's great but it's not a competition' the next time she starts. Mild enough but should get the point across unless she's truly dense.

PossumPoo Tue 20-Jan-15 20:04:53

Am l the only one who just wouldn't give a shit? Why is it such a big deal 'hitting milestones ' etc confused

Just turn to her one day and say "honestly, l dont give a shit" when she starts comparing.

I have one 'mummy friend' that l have known for years precisely because l couldn't be arsed with this.

What a drag. You really do have my sympathies.

FannyBlott Tue 20-Jan-15 21:31:50

To be honest op it sounds like you're rather competitive yourself.

ChattyAndCatty Tue 20-Jan-15 23:17:00

Yes, 'spiteful' loathe as I am to say it about a two year old.
She is quite nasty to other children. I think it comes from everyone treating her as though she is perfect.
When she smacks other children it's a case of 'oh she's only two, she doesn't know any better' Yes, but that's why we teach them!
It's not her fault, and no, she doesn't know any better, but unlike most of us, her parents don't tell her it's wrong. But yes, she does come across, well, not very pleasant. She won't share, she will snatch a toy from a child at play group, only to throw it on the floor, she doesn't want it, she just won't let anyone else play with it. I'm sorry, but yes, I see that as spiteful, not just a bit naughty. She is deliberately winding another child up.
My child certainly isn't perfect, far from it, she's done her fair share of smacking, snatching and tantrum throwing. But I don't allow her to carry on like it. I tell her it's wrong. I make her apologise. At a certain point, a two year old IS capable of knowing what they are doing is wrong.

I think I will use the 'It's not a competition' line next time, It's not overly rude, but it is to the point.

I never said I wasn't competitive, BUT I do know I don't try to turn our children into a scoring board. Having had delayed children, I know children develop at different rates. I'm happy for my child to do things at her own pace, as long as she is developing well. I also want to be able to tell people I am proud of my child when she is doing something I'm happy about without someone saying 'yes well my child does it better' which yes, is an exact line I had said to me just last week! Hence why I am fed up

ChattyAndCatty Tue 20-Jan-15 23:19:24

That's actually horrific!

TheXxed Tue 20-Jan-15 23:20:46

You come across as really competitive yourself

Theboodythatrocked Tue 20-Jan-15 23:24:32

possum you are my type of mum.

Op seriously why would you give a rats ass? They are babies.

Smile nod and avoid!

If you engage then you are enjoying the fight and the competition.

you can disengage if you choose to. Up to you.

bobbyjoe Tue 20-Jan-15 23:26:53

Best thing is to not mention anything yourself unless with a friend whose child is either much younger or older as they're not competition. By mentioning these things it invites someone to respond, and it's hard not to. I had a friend say her DC started walking at 10 months. She was so proud. Mine started at 9 months. So what do you do - keep schtum or mention it as she's boasting so why shouldn't you. In that case I kept quiet but it gets boring hearing about other people's kids and not saying anything yourself. I found it best to find people that kept quiet about stuff. One friend of mine used to say "Good for you!" of "Good for him/her!" whenever boasting went on and it shut the person up quickly smile

ANewMein2015 Tue 20-Jan-15 23:28:02

I think you may come across as boasting when you are telling people how proud you are of your child.

I tend to avoid telling people with kids the same age/class as mine about their achievements if I can. Saying "look my child is on level 101 reading" can only really come across as boasting. Reserve it for granparents/aunts/friends with older/younger children.

I do try desperately hard to not respond to boasty parents with news of my child... but it does sometimes slip out ;)

ANewMein2015 Tue 20-Jan-15 23:28:34

snap bobby!

TheBuskersDog Tue 20-Jan-15 23:31:47

Why do you feel proud that your daughter reaches milestones though?
Having had one child that was in nappies till he was nine, I was just bloody grateful that my younger child was out of them at two, I didn't feel proud of his normal development, it's not a choice they make or something they have worked hard for.

FATEdestiny Tue 20-Jan-15 23:33:29

Smile and nod

Best piece of parenting advise ever: Do not congratulate or berate yourself too much. Everything is a passing phase

You have no need for congratulations at your daughters achievements. Neither does your friend.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Tue 20-Jan-15 23:34:16

Chatty - the next time she does this, could you say something like, "Can't you just once simply let me be be proud that my dd has achieved something without turning it into a competition?"

ChattyAndCatty Tue 20-Jan-15 23:34:32

bobbyjoe and that is exactly my problem. Every time she tells me an achievement, I congratulate them and say well done. Any time I say anything about DD, it's immediately countered. And that's what is grating.

We all boast about our children, even if just a little. Yet with this woman I feel I can no longer say anything with out it becoming a match.
Her child is ahead of mine in a lot of ways, it's true. And as I said, that's fine. But the minute DD steps slightly ahead, I'm met with defensiveness, even when I've not said anything. As per my example in my OP about potty training, I've deliberately not said anything about it, as in the summer DD was doing really well, I thought we'd cracked it, when suddenly she went backwards, and wanted to be back in nappies. So I don't mention it this time, in case DD slips back again (Partly because my god did I hear about it last time from MIL because apparently I shouldn't have put DD back in nappies, I should have left her in knickers even though she was so upset about it she'd cry until she was sick)
So certainly in this case it's not me being competitive.

Surreyblah Tue 20-Jan-15 23:36:02

A two year old spiteful confused

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