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AIBU?

To stop seeing friend with awful daughter?

139 replies

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:25

I have a friend with a dd the same age as mine (2), we met at a baby massage class when the children were a couple of months old, she lives in the next street so we've fallen into a pattern of attending toddler groups etc together. Her dd has got steadily more unruly, and keeps attacking my daughter! Before Christmas she scratched her face so badly the scar is still there, her mother just shrugs and says "children will be children". I had a bit of a break over Christmas but decided to try again - today she attacked my daughter 3 times at a toddler group and also tried to bite her. She now has scratches all down her face again and my DH is going to be furious! AIBU to tell this woman that we won't be seeing them again until she starts to discipline / control her child? I'm not one for confrontation but a) I need to protect my dd and b) I don't want her learning this behaviour! Has anyone got any advice for me? Am furious really!

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LadyLuck10 · 20/01/2015 14:28

I would keep a distance from your friend and if she asks you why then you be honest. Her parenting seems awful and no wonder her child is behaving this way.

MrsTawdry · 20/01/2015 14:28

Listen...if your DH is "going to be furious" then he (and you) will be in for a whole HEAP of stress for the next twenty or so years.

How can he be furious over a toddler scratching? (It's not nice but it happens"

When DD goes to nursery there will be children who bite, scratch and worse. Stop seeing the friend if she's not controlling her DD effectively but chill out.

ILovePud · 20/01/2015 14:31

I think that's a case of awful friend rather than awful daughter, I would distance yourself.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/01/2015 14:31

If you're not one for confrontation then don't tell her off about her parenting!

I agree with Tawdry that these things happen, however of course you don't have to expose your DD to it if the other DD is having a bit of a phase. Just keep a distance, and if she asks why say 'they seem to be going through a not getting on phase at the moment, don't they, so I thought a break would be a good idea.'

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 20/01/2015 14:32

Yep, distance yourself.

If she notices/asks or you want to have a conversation with her, simply tell her "every time we get together with the children, my DD ends up scratched, bitten and injured by your DD and you do nothing about it. I've had enough of it", and leave it at that.

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:32

It's not really the toddler I have the issue with, I know that these things happen, but DH asked me to stop seeing this woman and I ignored him so that's why he will be furious! It's the parenting I have the problem with, but don't really know if it's my place to explain this to her!

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Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:33

Yes I think I might just say they don't seem to be getting on and leave it at that....see if it sinks in ....

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BalloonSlayer · 20/01/2015 14:35

I disagree that it happens all the time. None of my 3 DCs ever got scratched or bitten, thank goodness. If it was a one-off of course I would shrug it off as one of those things, but if it keeps happening I would definitely stop contact. If your child is a scratcher you cut their nails v short for a start and it doesn't sound like she has even bothered to do that.

ILovePud · 20/01/2015 14:37

If she asks why you no longer want to let the kids play together then I think it's reasonable to tell her. Why did DH ask you to stop seeing her, was it about this or other issues?

Quangle · 20/01/2015 14:39

Some children are biters. It's not bad behaviour - they are too young for that. But if it goes on, it's the parents. My DN was a terrible biter - usually biting my DD and that's when both of us were there "supervising" . So sometimes it is unavoidable and to be honest, not that big a deal. But if it's not being clamped down on, then that is a problem.

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:41

He asked me to stop seeing her about this - she really scratched her quite badly before Christmas and he wasn't best pleased! I know that toddlers sometimes behave badly and so decided to give it another try but today's episode has again made a mess of dd's face arghhh so won't go down well!

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Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:42

Yes, it's the lackadaisical attitude to it that's getting me mad!

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BeCool · 20/01/2015 14:43

Yes awful friend/parent rather than blaming 2 year old.

YANBU to steer clean of the crap parents.

BeCool · 20/01/2015 14:45

Do you think this woman is going to change?

QuintlessShadows · 20/01/2015 14:46

But children dont do this all the time, not if parents step in and discipline/teach children not to bite/scratch/hit etc.

Mine are 12 and 9 now, and we never had a problem with other toddlers repeatedly hitting/biting/scratching/ etc. Of course there has been the odd scrape, but never without parents nearby who have supervised. (Ok, I have come across ONE parent happy to let her son hit others in the playground, but then he met my youngest, my 3 year old angelic looking little boy, who responded by pushing him up against the climbing frame and holding him deadlocked, shouting "YOU DONT HIT" before letting the much older child go - sheepishly I might add)

Most parents do step in. (I didn't, because the child in question had terrorized the other kids, so thought he got what he deserved)

MiddleAgedandConfused · 20/01/2015 14:49

When my DD small I was friends with the mothers of 2 boys who had the same name, let's say John. One John was well behaved, one wasn't. I told her one day we were going to see 'John' and she asked if we were meeting the John that hit her all the time or the nice one. We didn't go that day or any other for a while! I decided it was not fair for her to be meet with a kid we knew was going to thump her.
I'd get some distance in without upsetting the friend if possible, and then see what's going on in 6 months. You should not take your daughter to see someone you both know is going to hurt her.
I agree incidents happen between kids, but when it is every time and always one sided, it is time to act.

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:49

No I don't think she is going to change - perhaps it's an age thing, she's 14 years younger than me, but that doesn't apply to other younger mums so why should it to this one?

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ILovePud · 20/01/2015 14:49

Your friend is really out of order with this attitude and she will reap the consequences as play-dates dry up. Can you just start going to these groups after running an errand so that you don't have to go together and make an effort to get to know some of the other mum's? If the scratching is happening at the groups you might need to hover close enough to intervene. I feel for you it's a horrid situation to be in.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 20/01/2015 14:51

YANBU

your dd has to come first and it's unfair on her to be hurt all the time

Of course these things happen but that doesn't mean the mum shouldn't be trying to do something about it, I can see why your DH is not happy about the situation

TheWitTank · 20/01/2015 14:51

I would distance myself, and would reply honestly, but kindly, if she asked why. I would say that the children didn't seem to be getting on together very well at the moment, so a bit of space would probably be the best idea for now. I wouldn't point fingers or tell her her daughter is nasty (she is just two after all). Hopefully it is a phase she will grow out of. My friends daughter, now 4, was a terrible biter. Would munch any available arm, leg, cheek (!) If given an opportunity. Friend tried everything to stop her, was mortified and cried in my arms a few times. One day it just stopped. She is at preschool and we think she just matured enough to understand that it wasn't the right thing to do. It is very common at that age, and you don't see many still behaving like that when they start school thankfully!

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:51

The sad thing is that my dd asks for this girl all the time when they aren't together, probably because she's the friend she sees the most, so it breaks my heart every time she hurts her

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ChocLover2015 · 20/01/2015 14:52

My tip is 'be grateful you own the bitee not the biter' Next baby you might not be so lucky, and it will be all the parents ostracising you!
Seriously my best friend friend used to bang on about what sort of home these 'rough' toddlers came from.She had to eat her words when her DS3 who was a right little terrorist came along!

Jodie1982 · 20/01/2015 14:54

I certainly wouldn't want my lil 2yr old DD getting attacked all the time, whether the other kid is also 2, it's not nice for your little one. If it was a one off, and the other mum disciplined her child I'd give it another go, not if it happened more than twice. Your poor lil girl. :(

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/01/2015 14:55

I know and I understand that I am lucky I don't have a biter, but if I did I would at least be trying to stop her!

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Theboodythatrocked · 20/01/2015 14:56

Oh biting and scratching are most not ok. Yes toddlers do it. Then you step up as a parent and stop it.

As a cm and a parent no bloody way would I out up with this normalising of terrible behaviour.

Biting bloody hurts.

She sounds the dreadful daft type of idiot reception class staff ( been there) have to deal with when their 4 year old can't sit still, keeps interrupting, trashes the toys and bites and scratches.

Step in hard with toddlers and squash that behaviour.

Distance yourself op and tell her why. Reassure your dh too. Your poor dd doesn't need this.

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