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to be so upset by dsis's comments?

(89 Posts)
kaylasmum Tue 20-Jan-15 11:08:11

My dsis is 2 years older than me, i've always felt like i'm in her shadow. I got the impression that my parents preferred her over me as we were growing up. She's much slimmer than me and much more confident.

For the most part we get on pretty well but she has the habit of just saying what she wants, especially to me! I admit i'm quite sensiitive and can take things personally but i just feel that it's better to think before you speak and i certainly would hate to think that my careless comments could cause upset to anyone.

Yesterday we were talking about having a family get together, we do this now and again. I said it would be better at my house as we have young dcs, her kids are adults. She said that's fine as long as we have decent music, i asked her what she meant by that, her reply was " it means the music you listen to is crap!" I was taken aback by that and felt it was rude. She tends to always put "lol" after she says something down putting.

Maybe i just need to lighten up but i always feel that she's putting me down. She's critiscised my parenting, my housekeeping, the speed at which i walk, my timekeeping amongst other things. Part of me wants to really have it out with her but then i think maybe its better to leave it cos maybe she does'nt realise that itd upsetting. So.......aibu?

FarFromAnyRoad Tue 20-Jan-15 11:11:43

The thing is with people like this - having it out with them is what they want and you can't win. You need to find a different tactic. Personally I'd go with laughing every time she does something like this. You might be hurting underneath but can you work on NEVER showing this? It's worth a try - and remember this - the issues are all hers and not yours.

Heels99 Tue 20-Jan-15 11:17:40

Have it at her house instead then she cannot criticise your home, music etc. or don't have a get together at all if she drives you bonkers!

TrendStopper Tue 20-Jan-15 11:19:29

I don't think the music comment was rude as everyone has different music tastes.

BeggarsCantBeChoosers Tue 20-Jan-15 11:21:12

Good music is personal taste and is subjective, so with regard to her comment about your taste, she IBU, not you.

However you sound like you compare yourself to her a lot, which isn't healthy for you to do. You're both different, evidenced by your taste in music for starters! If you continue to live under her shadow you will end up critical and jealous, which aren't personality traits that you'd want I'm sure.

Anyone, your sister or not, is free to speak their mind, just like you are. So from that point of view, you're well within your rights to tell her how her criticism of you makes you feel. Some people know they're being hurtful, others thing they're being funny and are quite tick when it comes to emotional intelligence. She will either be horrified and stop (result) or will laugh at you and carry on regardless. If she does the former then problem solved, but if she does the latter then you need to toughen up.

Don't put up with her shit! When she says you have rubbish music, tell her that's her opinion and you could find plenty of people that don't like hers either! Don't just take it for the sake of peace.

If it gets really nasty then you have a choice to limit your contact with her. But if you do that I wouldn't try to keep it a secret, otherwise you look like the trouble-maker. Tell everyone that you've asked her to stop bullying you and she hasn't, so you don't want to be around her if she won't respect you.

So you are not being unreasonable for wanting the get together at your house with your music, but you are unreasonable to let her walk all over you without telling her how it feels.

musicalendorphins2 Tue 20-Jan-15 11:21:37

I think you should bring it up but in person rather than typed. I know people like that and although they are being tactless and rude, they often don't really want to hurt anyone's feeling. Maybe you could say, ds, I just want to mention something. I wondered if you realized when you told me my music was crap that you offended me?

Not sure what she'll say, but maybe she'll take it on and improve the way she treats people. You could compromise with the music by choosing it out together. Mix of what everyone likes. What music are we talking about anyways, just out of curiosity?

itsnotmeitsyou1 Tue 20-Jan-15 11:22:13

If you don't tell her, it will never change. However as the oldest, I've been 'picking' on my siblings since the day they were born. However, my siblings give as good as they get, I would hate for them to sit there meekly as I tease them over our differences. Ultimately, only you know if there's any malice in her words, so either stand up or accept it. Quite frankly I'd either laugh it off or find some cutting sarcastic comeback wink

kaylasmum Tue 20-Jan-15 11:23:04

Thanks for the replies,

Might just cancel the evening! I probably need to toughen up!

confused79 Tue 20-Jan-15 11:23:27

I think you need to give more examples for us to really offer advice as I would say this to someone I was close(ish) to (in fact I tell my brother all the time his music taste is crap). And I'm the least critical person you'd meet.

DeanKoontz Tue 20-Jan-15 11:26:21

I would deliberately go out of my way to play music she didn't like from now on. Cheeky moo.

My sister does this a bit too. She constantly comments on the way I dress, and I once overheard her telling a friend that she had 'given up' trying to get me to look nice!

The thing is, she's the one with all the hang-ups. Constantly worrying about what people think of her and trying to maintain ridiculously high standards of fashion that she really can't afford.

I'm very happy in my skin. I like the way I look and don't really value her opinion. I manage her comments by telling her to cop on and then changing the subject.

Enjoy your music and play it loud! Especially when you're sister's around wink.

Only1scoop Tue 20-Jan-15 11:27:39

Wouldn't even give it a second thought to be honest

Johnogroats Tue 20-Jan-15 11:31:50

A friend of mine (at a dinner party) was rude about my music tastes. Fair comment! I said...great, you can choose the music next time. Having said that your issues seem a bit wider / deeper than my love of 80s music.

kaylasmum Tue 20-Jan-15 11:31:54

She likes dance music, so do i! I actually don't really listen to music much. When we have a party at mine we tend to get music from you tube, usually a different mix of music, my dp has his own taste in music so he'll put what he likes on aswell.

My dsis said that when we go to hers she puts music on thats on her laptop or through her ipod. I dont have an iPod and dont know the first thing about downloading music. I told her this and she told me i'm old fashioned. No need really

musicalendorphins2 Tue 20-Jan-15 11:32:43

No, please don't cancel it. Tell her "You aren't the boss of me" with this face. >grin

arethereanyleftatall Tue 20-Jan-15 11:34:02

I have to say, fir the example you've given, you need to just toughen up. Everyone has different music tastes, so a comment like this wouldn't bother me at all. However, if this us just one example in a constant barrage of similar, you should tell her to fuck off, nicely.

BeggarsCantBeChoosers Tue 20-Jan-15 11:35:24

Why would you cancel?

musicalendorphins2 Tue 20-Jan-15 11:36:57

Does nobody have stereo's these days? confused
Anyways, would you like her to bring an ipod or laptop, since you like the same kind of music? You could plan a playlist together, something for everyone.

kaylasmum Tue 20-Jan-15 11:41:51

We go on holiday together every year, there's usually about ten of us. She continually has a go at me about getting ready to go out in the evening, moaning that it takes us ages to get ready. I have an 11 yo dd and 8 yo ds, they take ages to get ready as does my dp, i take about half an hour.

When we're heading for our meal my dsis and my dn walk way in front of us and my dsis complains about the speed i walk at, i am about 6 stone overweight and have problems with my back, i simply can't walk fast!

She constantly critiscises me, even her own ds has spoken to her about it before. It makes me sad cos i really love her and do like spending time with her.

paperlace Tue 20-Jan-15 11:42:19

The thing is, whether she intends to or not she is hurting you. Whether that's becuase you're particuarly sensitive or she's particularly insenstive is immaterial if that's the way you feel. If you generally have a loving relatinship could you approach it in a toally honest way: 'I feel a bit of a twat saying this, but I often feel hurt by the things you say. I feel criticised and belittled by you at times, I"m not sure if you realise you do it or think it's banter?' See what she says? Do it calmly and in a moment where you feel close if possible.

paperlace Tue 20-Jan-15 11:43:22

Cross posted with you. I'm sorry she doesn't sound very kind x

kaylasmum Tue 20-Jan-15 11:45:20

When she made that comment to me yesterday, i said to her that it was insulting, she just shrugged it off. Wr are 50 and 48 yo.

MaryWestmacott Tue 20-Jan-15 11:48:38

It sounds petty, but it could well be more that criticising you and insulting your choices /automatically seeing them as inferior, has become a family 'norm' - that what they'd phrase carefully with someone else (even if you'd all think it!) they will say directly to you without stopping to think if this is hurtful. As if it's like they've forgotten you've got feelings too. It's just a little thing to insult your music tastes, but with anyone else, you'd word it much more carefully to avoid offense. It's more upsetting because you are always on the recieving end of insults.

(If she's like this with everyone else to, ignore me!)

I think you do actually need to let her know she's offended you and cancel. Because if another friend said that, you'd probably say something like "well, if that's how you feel, let's not bother." or "how rude! You obviously don't want to come, let's not do it." You'd not hide that you were offended, and more importantly, with someone else, your family might make a point of being careful how they say things to avoid offending them.

You should at least have the same respect as a friend. If insulting you has become a habit and she thinks you don't mind, you're going to have to let her know you do mind. This seems as good as any time to draw a line under being the one the family slags off.

kaylasmum Tue 20-Jan-15 11:50:34

I was actually hoping for yabu so that i would'nt feel the need to confront her. I have low self esteem and doubt myself a lot so her comments only make me feel worse.

MaryWestmacott Tue 20-Jan-15 11:51:18

oh X post, then cancel. "You dont seem to like the way I host, so I'm not going to bother." cancel next holiday "you spend the whole time being rude to me about not walking fast enough, spending too much time getting ready, it's not a fun holiday for me. I can't be bothered." Stop taking it and remove yourself from her life, and tell her why. She either likes spending time with you and will say sorry and make an effort, or she won't.

Then next time she slips, don't just fume, say "you're being rude again, stop whinging at me."

kaylasmum Tue 20-Jan-15 11:55:51

If i do say anything when she's being like that she'll tell to stop being so touchy, than i feel stupid for mentioning it.

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