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to complain to school about how they dealt with incident

(29 Posts)
louay1 Sat 17-Jan-15 11:54:32

my dd1 started high school in sept and is 12. at the beginning of the school year she experienced some difficulties with another young lad at the school where he was stabbing her with a compass. i complained to the school the first time he did it and all the children that were involved were spoken to the next day and asked to give their version of events, nothing happened to the child who had stabbed my daughter other than a verbal warning. he then did it to her the same day as being given the verbal warning so complained again to the school and again they were asked to give their version of events and that time the boy was punished put in detention, given behaviour points and i was informed he would not be allowed to get on the same bus as my dd as it had all happened on the bus.

fast forward a few months until thursday this boy and his friends were stood behind my dd in the bus line annoying her telling her to bite them, dds friends heard all of this. my dd stupidly in an effort to get them to leave her alone did bite one of them why i don't know am not very impressed with her behaviour one bit but that it not what i want to complain about. my issue is when dealing with this incident they have not followed the same procedure with my dd they have taken all the children into school and asked 2 boys what has happened they gave their version of events and then when my dd has been asked her version one of the boys has been interrupting and she has not been able to say anything and has been sent home and told they will speak to her the next day.

so on friday my dd went to school as normal she was in her form time and was taken out by her head of year and informed as a punishment she would receive the behaviour points and be put in isolation for the day. now i do not have an issue with the punishment as obviously she has bitten someone my issue is that not once has my dd been able to have her say about what has happened and obviously she has her friends that would be able to back up her story, i feel that they should have followed the same procedure as when my dd was the one that was hurt. i also have an issue with the fact that my dd was able to be hurt twice before the school took any proper action whereas my dd did it once and also if the school had actually done what they informed me they were going to do in stopping them from being on the same bus then this would never have happened.

i would also like to point out that this is the first time in her entire school career that my dd has been in trouble but the 2 boys with the going to the same primary school as my dd are well known trouble makers one was expelled numerous times from the primary school and was eventually not allowed to go back.

wibu to complain to the school as i do not feel that my daughter has been treated in the same way as what the boys were in regards to the first incident, once again i will state i do not intend to complain about the punishment as i have also punished her myself for it and she shouldn't have done it but i don't agree with how the school have dealt with it if that makes sense.

sorry for the long post

SuburbanRhonda Sat 17-Jan-15 12:02:31

If she genuinely didn't get an opportunity to tell her version of events, I would get her to write it down and email it to the HoY or whoever interviewed her about the incident. She should stick to the facts and state that because she was interrupted by another student, she didn't get a chance to have her say.

Tbh, I'm surprised they interviewed them together. I work in a primary and we always get children in on an individual basis because some feel intimidated about reporting an incident when the child they're reporting about is sitting in the same room.

noblegiraffe Sat 17-Jan-15 12:03:13

Usually when an incident like that happens at my school, the students involved have to give written statements of what happened so everyone gets their say and no one is interrupted. This should be standard procedure and worth suggesting to the school as their methods are inconsistent and rubbish.

noblegiraffe Sat 17-Jan-15 12:06:05

I don't quite understand why you had to complain to the school about both compass incidents. Did your DD report it and nothing happen (which is bad) or did she say nothing then tell you and you had to let the school know?

louay1 Sat 17-Jan-15 12:11:01

yeah with the first incident they had to give written statements but my daughter hasn't had to do one this time, she had written one at home the day it happened so she could give it to the teachers but she still has it and has given it to me so i may email it to the hoy hadn't thought of that and i was quite surprised that they were interviewed together as they did last time but i would honestly believe what my daughter has said she is a very well behaved child and we are very close and doesn't lie to me and as i said earlier this is the first time ever she has done anything remotely naughty at school i was quite shocked at her behaviour when she told me and i still can't quite figure out what possessed her to do it, it is really out of character for her when she told me but told her she would have to accept whatever the punishment was that she was given.

louay1 Sat 17-Jan-15 12:12:27

i complained about the compass incidents as they were repeatedly stabbing her with a compass hard enough to break the skin, leave marks and draw blood imo it is not reasonable behaviour to go around stabbing people with a compass

noblegiraffe Sat 17-Jan-15 12:22:36

Complaining about the compass incident is reasonable, I just didn't understand why you had to? Did the school not deal with it until you complained, or did they not know about it?

beginnerrunner Sat 17-Jan-15 12:22:45

Human bites are really, really serious. They can become seriously infected. The compass pricks imo are silly but not in the same league as a human bite.
Your daughter needs to stay away from these trouble makers as much as possible. Easier said than done though. Do go in and talk it through with the school. It sounds like these kids are targetting her a bit.

PopularNamesInclude Sat 17-Jan-15 12:28:52

Stabbing someone with a compass is equally serious. It could penerate deeply if enough force is used, and could pass on infections such as tetanus. One incident is not more serious than the other.

SuburbanRhonda Sat 17-Jan-15 13:15:09

Can I just add you're probably going to have to get used to her doing lots of things at secondary school that she never did at primary smile

Quitethewoodsman Sat 17-Jan-15 13:23:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quitethewoodsman Sat 17-Jan-15 13:25:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DandyHighwayman Sat 17-Jan-15 13:36:00

Ah isn't it tricky.

The compass stuff happened on the bus, so not on school premises.
The bite, reading between the lines, occurred in the queue for the bus home (thursday) on school premises.

IME school bus stuff can be hard to sort out as no clear boundary as to who is in charge (school/bus driver).

Any more stabbings or woundings from the others, go to the Police.

fluffling Sat 17-Jan-15 13:40:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffling Sat 17-Jan-15 13:41:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Sat 17-Jan-15 13:46:06

YANBU to want to highlight the differences in treatment between your DD and these boys, and to ask for an explanation for these differences.

They should have a standard protocol, and they should stick to it.

Definitely make sure that your DD's version of events is seen by the staff.

Quitethewoodsman Sat 17-Jan-15 17:20:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WillBeatJanuaryBlues Sat 17-Jan-15 17:24:45

*i was quite shocked at her behaviour when she told me and i still can't quite figure out what possessed her to do it8

BEING goaded and baited like a bear...pushing and pushing her - bullying her.....

I can understand what drove her to it. the poor girl!

Topseyt Sat 17-Jan-15 17:47:33

It could also depend on the policy of the bus company as well as the school. I know that occasionally a child has been banned from the bus my daughters use due to unacceptable behaviour.

I'm afraid though, that one of the lessons your daughter needs to take from this is never to lower herself to the level of these boys, no matter what the provocation. It always complicates matters. Stabbing people with compasses is an assault, so is biting. Both could have potentially serious consequences.

She can no longer claim any moral high ground.

I would contact the school with a view to coming up with a permanent solution.

Topseyt Sat 17-Jan-15 17:50:58

None of that lessens the fact that the boys are bullying and goading your daughter though. You need to check that this continues to be addressed.

kawliga Sat 17-Jan-15 18:06:24

I would contact the school with a view to coming up with a permanent solution

This. You now have three very serious incidents. I would not worry about the specifics of each incident, I would worry that your dd is now mixed up with some troublemakers when she has just started her high school years.

Support your dd - don't say she is a good child, you don't understand why she bit them, etc as that might make her feel she has failed you in some way when really you want her to feel that you have her back and you are on her side. I agree with the pp who said it's very understandable why she reacted to being goaded, and while it's ok to have a punishment for her it's also really important to empathize with her and say 'I see why you lost it after being goaded like that' not 'how could you bite? Biting is wrong!' which is not the point. I'm sure she knows it's wrong but she's been targeted by bullies and she's struggling sad

High school is hard sad

louay1 Sat 17-Jan-15 18:41:31

to be honest i hadn't thought of it like that kawliga. i have told her to stay away from them as much as possible and try to ignore them as best as possible and if she sees them getting one bus just to stay and get a different one as they are very regular buses that all of the general public can use. i had thought things had settled down with them from the first 2 incidents but after talking to her again about it today she has told me that they have been following her round school pestering her and annoying her, calling her names etc so they are bullying her so i think i will definitely have to contact the school. she also told me today that after she had bitten them once that they told her that she was a wimp and that it wasn't hard enough and to do it again luckily she didn't.

FrancesNiadova Sat 17-Jan-15 18:54:56

I think that school will take the view that, "The bad boy told me to bite," is not a valid reason when your daughter is 12.
As others have said, this is the latest incident in a catalogue of bullying behaviour. Perhaps your DD did it in a, "if I do this they'll leave me alone," type of reasoning.
Whatever the reason, the biting incident is yet another symptom & the school needs to get to the root of the problem.
Your DD should be told that at 12, she knows that it's not acceptable to bite except in very extreme circumstances, (like being physically attacked as a woman & then anything goes to get away). If the school know that you've told her this, then they should be bending over backwards to support you.
Bullying is awful, I hope that you get it sorted out.

kawliga Sat 17-Jan-15 18:57:54

Louay1 you are doing the right thing in talking to her and listening to her. I am a bit concerned that by going in to the school and trying to fix this for her you might disempower her. She needs to feel that she can look after herself and that she knows what to do when bullies target her (not just that mummy will go in to school to sort it out). She is in high school now, even though she is still your baby. This is a tough situation. But from your previous posts it sounds like the first thing your dd thinks of when she is bullied is to come home and tell you, because you will go in and fix it for her? Does she know how to get help for herself, by reporting it herself to the teachers?

tomandizzymum Sat 17-Jan-15 19:10:07

I can understand that you're upset but I wouldn't go into it now, the incidents are past. The next time there is an incident, and it sounds likely, I would get tough with the school, demand meetings with the boy and his parents and point out that your requests for bus arrangments were not met and clearly the verbal warnings/isolation etc didn't work. So you want it stepped up.

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