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Is my ex BU or is my pain skewing my ability to reason?

(10 Posts)
LumpenproletariatAndProud Wed 14-Jan-15 19:11:03

Ive posted about this first bit in Chat so sorry if Im repeating myself a little bit. My best, closest and oldest friend of 30 years was diagnosed with breast cancer, despite it being aggressive, after chemotherapy last year they appeared to have got all the cancer.

But a lump is back, and recently we found out its spread and its terminal this time.

I was in total denial Monday and Tuesday, completely numb. I welcomed it, hoped it would last. I can deal with 'numb'.

Today however, out of the blue it hit me like a ton of bricks. The pain was horrendous, my best friend, my girl friend, my rock may only live for 6 more months. I could barely breath, I couldn't stop crying, I felt like I wasnt coping.

A very good mutual friend of mine and my friend is a therapist, he said call any time so I text my ex and asked if, when he comes over later I can "go and see my therapist friend, because this has hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel horrendous."

(I need to point out here that be has 'no fixed abode' and hasn't for years so he has been seeing the kids at my home. After years if begging he has a place to live and hes trying to make it liveable. He sees the kids for 2 hours once or twice a week, and on a Saturday, so I get fuck all break. He also works away for weeks and weeks on end)

He said he couldn't because he has to do tonight, what he was supposed to on Monday (when he saw to the kids while I rushed out to my friend to comfort her following the diagnoses).

I asked what it was and he said 'collecting a chest of drawers'. I, passive aggressively, replied 'dire'.

Anyway to cut to the chase, he then tells me I can go out, but I can't be long because he needs to fix his new place up.

He then tells me how pissed off he is about it all, that he missed the chest of drawers because of me.

I tell him I feel nothing for his chest of drawers. My best friend is dying.

He carries in being a heartless nasty prick until I tell him not to come over. Not tonight, not this weekend, not next week or next weekend.

I was finding him very, very difficult to handle anyway for various reason which I will go into of people feel I need to.

But I just can't handle processing all this information as well as dealing with a complete arse hole.

As for when his flat will be ready, Ive absolutely no idea. I could be weeks or months.

I feel like he is a prick who I never want to see again.

He said the kids will suffer for not seeing him.

I said it makes absolutely no difference to him working away for weeks on end.

Its all a bit he-said she-said bullshit.

Why can't he just be a bit kinder? I can't handle this right now.

Chillyegg Wed 14-Jan-15 19:17:25

I'm so sorry about your friend I can't imagine how awful you feel! I think going to see your therapist friend is a very good idea flowers
Your ex is certainly being very unreasonable, especially if he's stayed at yours for free for a long period of time. I wouldn't let him stay ever again. But then I wouldn't if let him stay after moving out! He sounds like a prize knob! I'd of told him to fuck if to the fat side of fuck! What a twunt!

Chillyegg Wed 14-Jan-15 19:18:08

Far not fat! Goodness

BarbarianMum Wed 14-Jan-15 19:20:09

Put him out of your mind, right now you don't have the emotional energy to spare. Can you ask someone else to mind your kids? Or ask your friend to come over to you one evening? I think that it is really important for you to arrange support for yourself so that you can be there for your friend.

I'm so sorry flowers

BarbarianMum Wed 14-Jan-15 19:23:58

Sorry I was suggesting you invite your therapist friend over to support you so that you can be there for your sick friend. In case that wasn't clear.

LumpenproletariatAndProud Wed 14-Jan-15 19:25:02

Thank you.

No he wasnt staying with me. He would just come here to see the children.
To be honest theres no one I want to see apart from my friend.

I was supposed to be going out with her on Friday night, this won't happen now. And nor will it next weekend.

I hope she is wiling to meet on Saturday or Sunday with my kids in tow. Although she hasn't replied to that, I feel perhaps that might be all a bit to full on. Or perhaps it will be a welcome distraction, I need to follow her lead.

I can't think of anyone who could take the kids to be honest. Not in close-ish proximity.

I don't think my friend will come to me just yet, she is being pulled in all direction where she is, she has many friends, shes very loved and popular. More than anyone Ive ever known. Its a reflection on what a kind, lovely person she is. smile sad

LumpenproletariatAndProud Wed 14-Jan-15 19:26:10

Oh, I see.

Im calling him tonight actually, so we found a compromise. Thing is, he is hurting too so I can lay too much on him.

It will be more a discussion on antidepressants. But I hope that will help.

NobodyLivesHere Wed 14-Jan-15 19:46:12

I lost my best friend just this week. I don't have the emotional energy to deal with any of my exs nonsense this week either so I can really empathise. Yanbu and he is a cock knocker.

Hatespiders Wed 14-Jan-15 19:50:24

Just posting to say how very sorry I am about your friend. My dearest, closest friend died four years ago from the same thing, and I still miss her so much.
I understand completely how devastated you're feeling.
You really don't need stupid nonsense from your ex just now. If he thinks a blasted chest of drawers is more important than this bombshell, he's a total fool. Can you possibly set up some childcare somehow so you can be with your friend as much as possible?
Sending you my sympathy. YANBU one little bit. flowers

LumpenproletariatAndProud Wed 14-Jan-15 19:56:16

Im racking my brains thinking about what childcare I can get in place.

Nobody Im so, so, sorry to hear about your friend. Life is so painful sometimes. sad

I really appreciate your replies, Ive actually asked MN to zap this, I kinda hope they do. I feel like Ive been a little too specific with my friends situation and my ex isn't worth my friend (or her friends, who may not know the whole prognosis yet) reading this. Im getting a little paranoid about it.

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