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Help! Indiscreet friend, what to do?

(17 Posts)
martianmoo Tue 13-Jan-15 22:57:53

Hello, please be gentle, feeling upset and need some advice. 

I had a pretty personal form of cosmetic surgery carried out this summer for medical reasons and told two of my close friends. At the time, I stressed that I hadn’t told anyone else, nor was I intending to, and asked them to both be discreet about it and not mention it to anyone else. (I know, I know, rather naive, but they’re both old friends who I thought I could trust.)

One friend has been brilliant and as far as I’m aware has totally kept it to herself and been really supportive. The other friend (I’ll call her ‘B’) has now brought up the subject twice with my partner in front of other people. (Both times I haven’t been present). The first time, fortunately, no-one realised what she was referring to and my partner managed to change the conversation pretty quickly.

The second time happened earlier this week when they both attended the same event - B brought up the subject with my partner in front of her colleague - who now knows exactly what I had done. The colleague isn’t someone I know at all or have ever met, but she will know colleagues of mine and we may well meet in the future through work, so I’m pretty unhappy about her knowing such a personal piece of information. This only came to light because B referenced the conversation in a text this morning, and I specifically asked my partner whether it had taken place in front of anyone else. (B lives in a different city so I haven’t actually seen her since the op took place). 

I’m deeply regretting telling my friend, and feel that I’d like to contact her to specifically ask not to bring up the operation in front of other people.

I don’t think the issue is her lack of discretion necessarily, but rather a disparity in our ideas about what it entails! So I think I need to be pretty clear about the boundaries lie. I feel like it's only a matter of time before she starts bringing it up in front of other friends and acquaintances and word starts getting around.

However, my partner feels that if I do this, that’ll be the end of their friendship, as he’s effectively ‘dobbed her in’. 

DP thinks that I shouldn’t have told her in the first place and that I can’t ‘police information’ once I’ve given it out. I think I should be able to remind someone that if I’ve told them something private, it needs to stay private! AIBU? And how do I send B a message that somehow doesn’t land DP in the brown smelly stuff, whilst still making it clear that I really don’t want the subject discussed in front of other people? Any help or thoughts would be really helpful right now.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Tue 13-Jan-15 23:08:41

If she referenced the conversation in a text message all you have to do is text back and say hang on a minute, I told you that in confidence!

OhShittingHenry Tue 13-Jan-15 23:08:48

I don't envy you your position and I'm not sure there's much you can do without some kind of collateral damage. I think I might engage DH in making HER look like the idiot she so clearly is by laughing and straight denying it if this happens again. If anyone she's told brings it up do the same. Laugh. Say you don't know where friend got that idea and she must be mixing you up with someone else. Or - if you were feeling really unreason you could send poo? grin

OhShittingHenry Tue 13-Jan-15 23:09:18


CoffeeandNumbers Tue 13-Jan-15 23:13:38

Your P is being v v v fucking unreasonable. "Dobbed him in" ?! Is he five?!
Its a private matter that concerns your most intimate parts. You believed that your friend could be trusted.

I'd be questioning your friendship with this person if they feel they can talk about such private things in public. I'd straight out ask how she would feel something so private being discussed to random work people.

I type this as someone who has no shame in telling people anybody on the street exactly how awful my forceps birth was.

But it matter to you. And thats all your "friend" and "d" P should think about.

I'm really angry and sad on your behalf OP. flowers

scarletforya Tue 13-Jan-15 23:14:42

She can hardly kick up about your DH telling you when she's going around mouthing your business all over the place. Give her a piece of your mind, she well deserves it. The cheek of her using your private business for gossip fodder. I can't bear verbally incontinent people like that.

If she gets stroppy about either being told off or your DH telling you, GOOD! Personally I'd ditch get for what she's done. How dare she?!

Esmeismyhero Tue 13-Jan-15 23:18:41

She shouldn't be telling anyone, I'd message her just reiterating it was private and told in confidence and could she please try and keep her mouth shut remember that.

On the other hand I really want to know what you had done now......

AnyFucker Tue 13-Jan-15 23:19:32

I'd just bloody yell her to keep her trap shut and tell your partner not to be such a baby

what did you have done ? #nosy#

AnyFucker Tue 13-Jan-15 23:19:59

Cross post with esme grin

Fatalatomo Wed 14-Jan-15 02:04:17

How rude of your friend how would she like it if your spread her secrets around!

I know it's not a secret but you know what I mean.

As for dp he should have pulled her to the side and told her straight!

paddlenorapaddle Wed 14-Jan-15 02:47:55

Think you've got a bigger problem with your DP who thinks more of being dobbed in then your feelings about the surgery

As for your friend she isn't really your friend at all a true friend would know when to keep schtum

Bogeyface Wed 14-Jan-15 02:56:58

Hang on....

Your partner was there when she was talking about it but you only found out because "friend" B mentioned it? Not your partner who knows how you feel about it? And presumably he didnt tell her to STFU?

To coin an MN dont have a friend problem, you have a partner problem.

martianmoo Wed 14-Jan-15 08:50:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hatespiders Wed 14-Jan-15 08:55:35

Unforgivable of your 'friend'. I'd be incandescent and tackle her head-on about this. I always think the best way forward is to be open and direct when someone steps over the line. Don't seethe inwardly.
And point out to your dp that he should have taken this far more seriously.
If anyone asks you about your op, having 'heard it on the grapevine', just smile and say, "Don't believe all you hear..."

editthis Wed 14-Jan-15 09:04:13

You poor thing, that's awful. If I were you, though, I wouldn't say anything too confrontational as she is still in possession of the information. I would say something that sounds like you're trying to see it from her POV (though I know you shouldn't have to do this, of course): like, I know you were talking about it in front of people I don't know very well/at all, but I would really appreciate it if you didn't mention it to, or in front of anyone but me, please. As I said when I told you, I feel very sensitive about it and I don't want anyone overhearing or discussing it at all. I know you will understand. I should do this in person, although it might be a natural response to her text too - maybe give her a ring.

She might just need you to spell it out; maybe she doesn't realise how deeply it has affected you.

musicalendorphins2 Wed 14-Jan-15 09:11:29

Your husband shouldn't have any guilt about telling you, you are his partner and she should respect that and of course he is going to tell you. You should call her up and remind her that information is secret, and to not go around telling people. It sounds like she didn't really listen when you said it was a secret and not to tell anyone.

CoffeeandNumbers Wed 14-Jan-15 09:18:19

Oh I was thinking it was a "designer vagina." Vaginoplasty? Is that what its called? Anyway...

OK, he sounds a lot less prickish after your last post. Him messaging her sounds like a good way forward. I'd be carefully considering how she responds to him, this would be a make or break thing for my friendship with someone like her.

Btw, I don't think the proceedure should make a difference to how your colleagues think about you. You have a genuine medical reason. Also, shouldn't they support a woman's right to choose etc. if they are proper feminists? I am very clumsily explaining myself now, so I'll shut up.

Hope you can resolve the issues with your friend, and congratulations on your new boobies! wink grin

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