To not have a "wedding"

[Eminybob]

DP and I have decided to get married. We've been together 10+ years, have a house and a 6 month old DS.

No proposal, just a conversation about it. I do have ring though but we've had that for years (long story and a whole other thread ).

The thing is, although I have kind of always wanted the big white wedding, we have no money (well we have savings but they are being used while I'm on mat leave, plus things need doing round the house).
Also, both our sets of parents are divorced and it is just not feasible to have them all in one place at the same time (affairs, other women etc).

So wibu to just have a registry office do, with bil and sil as witnesses and no party? And not tell anyone else until after the event? It seems like the easiest least stressful (and cheapest option, but I'm worried I'll regret never having the big do. Plus I know our parents will be upset they weren't there. But then if we waited til we could afford it (and somehow got over the parents issue) then it would never happen now we have baby and hope to have another. But we really want to be married.

Have any of you ever done this? Did you regret it? Are there any alternatives?

[Teeste]

Do the register office thing, it's about £100 IIRC. Maybe go to a restaurant or pub afterwards. You can always renew your vows/have a big party when you've got the cash.

The wedding is one day, the marriage is much longer!

[waithorse]

YANBU, sounds perfect. Interested to know the ring story (nosey).

[Jewels234]

As someone in the middle of planning my huge white wedding...I hate it. Before now I would have said that I lived weddings ( I'm the biggest fan of other people's weddings, I adore them). But the stress that has come with planning my own has been so tough to deal with. I honestly wish I had just eloped with my fiancée and done something with just us.

Anyway, just from my experience, I don't think you'll regret not doing the big white thing. There are lots of options though, besides just doing registry office. And definitely treat yourself to a beautiful new dress.

[Jewels234]

• lived = loved

[OrangesJuicyOranges]

We got married, just us, in a registry office. Then, weeks later, a friend wrote a ceremony and led it in an abandoned church which we lit with candles, with fifty of our friends and family. We then had a reception in the village hall, which we made look beautiful with fairy lights, jam jars and hedgerow flowers. I made all the cakes and we did tea and cake. Then we had fish and chips delivered for dinner. It was a really beautiful, lovely day. I wore my white dress, and has a best woman, my husband had two best men, we did lovely speeches and it was just perfect. It probably cost £500 and the vast majority of that was booze. We could have asked guests to bring a bottle to make it even cheaper.

What I'm saying is - you can have a very cheap, gorgeous, white wedding.

[SuggestmeaUsername]

A church wedding is not that expensive if thats what you wanted. check out your local church website or pop in to the church to find out

[expatinscotland]

YANBU!

We eloped. Best ever. No regrets 13 years later.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

Definitely make sure you celebrate together, and wear something you feel really beautiful in, and take pictures. But YANBU to have just you, DP and 2 witnesses in the registry office. I used to work in a registry office and one of my favourite weddings was a couple, their kids and 2 witnesses. It was so loving and happy :)

[TheOriginalWinkly]

Definitely make sure you celebrate together, and wear something you feel really beautiful in, and take pictures. But YANBU to have just you, DP and 2 witnesses in the registry office. I used to work in a registry office and one of my favourite weddings was a couple, their kids and 2 witnesses. It was so loving and happy :)

[Eminybob]

Thanks. Tbh the money thing is a bit of a red herring as I know we could have a cheap do if we put our minds to it.

It's more the parents thing. My mum and dad get on ok, but my dads wife is a bitch and will be horrible to my mum. But I can't really ask her not to come.
Dp's family are even worse. His mum is very overbearing and pushy and will make the whole day about her. His dad left her for the other woman of 10 years, and although they are both remarried (him to the ow) she is still very very bitter about it (understandably)

So that's actually more of the reason we don't want a wedding. The logistics of it with that lot will be a nightmare.

I'd love to just have friends (and bil and sil) there but that would be even harder for family to forgive us for than no party at all.

[Eminybob]

So good to know that others have done the no wedding wedding without regrets. Makes me feel a lot better about that option

[missymayhemsmum]

Yanbu to have a simple registry office ceremony, but it would also not be unreasonable to ask both sets of parents and their respective partners to act like grown-ups and attend your wedding, especially if they would then be upset not to be asked. You don't have to spend a fortune to have a lovely day.

[wiltingfast]

The only thing I would say is that at minimum you should tell your immediate family what you are doing. Being secretive will only lead to upset. Decide what you want then tell people and stick to your guns. My bil got married in total secrecy and while on the surface it's ok, it did actually cause a lot of hurt.

[Redhead11]

One of the loveliest weddings i was ever at consisted of the bride, groom, me (matron of honour), best man, my 1 year old DD and my mother. It was fantastic. Held in a church, no hymns and we went for a meal afterwards. This is your wedding, so do it how you want to.

[Debs75]

We are thinking of getting married without the big wedding but for other reasons. Our son has autism and we feel a big party would be too much for him. After 20 years we feel a big white affair would be a bit much so DP wants all 6 of us to elope to Gretna Green and have it to be all about us. I think our mums would be upset at the lack of party and to miss it but DP says it is all about us and the kids not the party. I do agree to a point but feel I would like the party as well. Anyway we are looking into things and trying to fin the best deals out there

[loudarts]

I did it, only person I told before the day was my mum, and only told her as I needed her to look after the dcs. No-one was upset by it and have never regretted it

[blackgoat]

We did a registry office wedding, a nice meal after in a private room in our favourite restaurant. I just wanted to be married to my DH, I don't particularly like weddings.
Easy to plan and organise, not that expensive, very relaxed atmosphere, stress free, and I actually got to spend the day with my DH instead of thanking hundreds of guests for coming etc etc etc.

[Notso]

Do it, I wish we had.

[SuggestmeaUsername]

A couple of my friends got married in a registry office near the sea front in Brighton. There was only about 20 of us. We all then went on the Palace Pier. We went on the dodgems and other rides. had a great time. We then went to a chip shop and then to a bar on the pier. Ended up dancing away in a nightclub. We had a lovely day. very relaxing and informal and fun!

[Catmint]

We are planning on doing something along these lines, because a big wedding just isn't us. We are thinking of booking a holiday cottage somewhere relatively nearby and having a weekend away with DD and our witnesses. ( we haven't decided who to ask, yet).

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

My cousin got married abroad, just him and his wife were there. Family knew in advance and we're fine about it (even if a bit disappointed not to be there). Separate parties for bride's family/groom's family/friends albeit with some overlap.

My colleague went to the registry office one afternoon had two friends there as witnesses, got married, then they collected their son from school and went on a family holiday to Florida. They were really happy.

YANBU. Might it be an option to have no-one (other than witnesses) present for the ceremony and then separate celebrations with family.

[anothernumberone]

I did both, registry office with 5 guests who happened to be in town on the day and big shindig with 150 guests, to the same guy 2 years apart and we loved, loved the registry office do. I would have happily not bothered about the other do but for a variety of reasons we ended up doing it but mainly for others and not ourselves.

[KERALA1]

Seems a shame to do nothing. As the above posters set out it's not a choice between nothing or big white wedding £20k extravaganza there is a middle ground with some imagination.