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To think that DH should cancel this (to him) very important event?

(122 Posts)
caycepollard Mon 12-Jan-15 12:01:41

I think I might be and am totally prepared to be told so. DH is currently training for a marathon, which I am being supportive of. There is s half marathon in the lead up that he is registered to do and regards as important.

We have just realised (because we are fools) is on the same weekend as DM's 70th birthday; 300 miles away. The race is the day after DM's do, meal in the early evening with all GC etc.

DH is suggesting leaving that evening so he can get back for the race the following morning. I will travel back a few days later with the DC. DH will have to drive as public transport won't work with times.

I think he's mad and should cancel the race. It is essentially a training run that can be done another time/with the group he is training with (not all of whom are doing the half) or do a different half a couple of weeks later (still spaces available, but he likes less due to hills).

I am being a cow aren't I? I just feel like it will be an issue for DM/DF of feeling like he isn't taking the birthday event seriously and will result in awkwardness. So as not to drop feed DM has been unwell this year and has just had the all clear do this is an important celebration.

nutsinwinter Mon 12-Jan-15 12:04:47

Personally I think he's making a good compromise: he'll be attending the main celebration, then leaving to go to something else that's important. But yes, perhaps he could do a different half marathon as a training run. I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable though (sorry, not helpful!)

GlitteryLipgloss Mon 12-Jan-15 12:05:22

I don't think YABU.

I would of thought he would cancel it himself and sign up again next year/ do the other time another week.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Mon 12-Jan-15 12:11:44


madeinkent Mon 12-Jan-15 12:12:11

I have had all that with DBH, who is a triple jumper and long jumper and relay runner. He enters all sorts of big events and they often clash with important family events and fall in the middle of holidays, which makes for some very tight-lipped weeks.

I've learnt NOT to fight it. Many of them fall by the wayside because of minor injuries, twisted ankles and bad colds and so on. Two years ago we had to drive all the way down to Chichester from Norfolk for a big family event, he dropped us off early, turned round and drove all the way back up to Pickett's Lock, competed and was back in time for the family meal. I just let him get on with it now, and it's surprising how often fate seems to step in and thwart his plans.

Be warned, once they get the bug they often keep it up. However, on the plus side it keeps them fit and healthy, which is good for both of you in the long run. Let him get this one done, but after that remind him that there will always be another marathon just around the corner.

I doubt if DM/DF will worry too much, they will just be glad that you are there.

caycepollard Mon 12-Jan-15 12:12:33

See Nuts I think you're right but I am thinking exactly what Glittery said; that he should just bloody cancel it without e having to ask!

MajesticWhine Mon 12-Jan-15 12:15:28

YABU. Is he mad? Yes, probably. Should he cancel the race. No. I think it's a fair compromise.

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 12-Jan-15 12:16:07

But he WILL be there for your DM's celebration meal. What are you annoyed about? I really don't think anyone will feel he's "not taking the cekevration seriously" if he doesn't stay on for the evening chatting/milling-about bit.

Your DM will care that YOU are there.

MelanieCheeks Mon 12-Jan-15 12:18:15

You don't have to be mad to be a runner, but it helps!

I think he HAS come up with a reasonable compromise, and marathon training is fairly structured, it has to be built up in stages.

dexter73 Mon 12-Jan-15 12:19:01

YABU. He will be there for the meal. I don't see why he should have to cancel the 1/2 marathon.

Bluetonic123 Mon 12-Jan-15 12:19:13

I think your DH is making a fair compromise. He is going to the birthday after all.

BackforGood Mon 12-Jan-15 12:21:15

I think YABU - it sounds to me like he's making a big compromise to fit in the birthday meal as well - I suspect many would have said that they can't manage the meal / celebration the night before the race.

Brummiegirl15 Mon 12-Jan-15 12:22:08

I'm afraid yes I think YABU.

Why should he cancel? Because you think he should? That's not a good enough reason I'm afraid.

He's trying to offer a compromise by attending the dinner and then travelling home afterwards. Your DM dinner is important, of course it is, to you. But his half marathon is important to him. You are essentially saying it's not important.

He's not said I don't want to go to the dinner, he is compromising. As should you

Sorry but yabu

42bunnytails Mon 12-Jan-15 12:22:29

He will be there for the meal, just as DD and DH were there for a big family wedding.

They shot in having had no sleep, because DD had been abroad with the Guides (and she fell asleep at the reception), but they were their for the main event.

DD2 won't be here for DD1's 17th birthday and Other things have moved for DH&DD1s hobby weekends away.

Family life isn't always as simple as we'd like.

Gautami Mon 12-Jan-15 12:24:15

Yabu, a bit. He's doing his best to be there, and he was already committed to the race.

caycepollard Mon 12-Jan-15 12:26:47

To be fair the birthday celebration has been in the diary longer than the half! I know you are all right it is just I know DM will be annoyed and his absence in the evening will definitely be evident as it is only six adults (inc him) and the GC.

I think if I am totally honest I am also resentful of how much time his training takes, how he seems to have oodles of time to himself (which involves me compromising like fury) and I just wanted him to invest in a family event wholeheartedly. I guess that those issues are bigger than this event though.

Floggingmolly Mon 12-Jan-15 12:29:58

Why should he "take the birthday event seriously"?????

Viviennemary Mon 12-Jan-15 12:31:04

I think that since it's only a training race and it can be run at a different time with different people I think he could do this. Unless the birthday meal can be changed to a different week. It's just a clash and people need to be reasonable. Speaking as sometimes a not very reasonable person.grin

Titsalinabumsquash Mon 12-Jan-15 12:32:04

YABU (and I never say that on husband being away/missing event threads)

Inthedarkaboutfashion Mon 12-Jan-15 12:32:09

I think YABU. It is really difficult to train or a marathon and doing a half marathon will help enormously with his motivation and training. I don't blame him for not wanting to do the hilly course a few weeks later, hilly courses can be a hamstring buster for some people.
I think he has reached a sensible compromise and offered to attend the meal and leave early. If I was him I wouldn't attend the meal at all as I wouldn't want I drive 300 miles the night before a 13 mile race, so he has been more amenable than I would have been.

anotherdayanothersquabble Mon 12-Jan-15 12:33:01

I can see if from your perspective, the marathon is the big event, everything in preparation for it, is just that, preparation. I am sure he will be taking time away from the family as part of his regular training, the long runs between 20 and 40km. He could do a 20k from home / from the location of your Mum's event which would take 2 hours maximum. The added faffing before and after an organized event adds unnecessary hours to the training time, let alone the additional unnecessary 300km drive, leaving you alone to look after your children. You say that your DM / DF will feel that they are not as important to you DH but the crucial thing is that you do not feel he is putting you first.
(We have this constant low level conflict in our house, I look after the kids while DH trains and then enters events, I don't want compensatory time away from the family, I want to spend it together and resent the time he takes away from our family time. I do understand it is important to have our own interests, we just don't feel the same about it.)

fredfredgeorgejnr Mon 12-Jan-15 12:33:09

Your DM would be unreasonable to be annoyed about his lack of presence into the evening. Indeed you're being unreasonable in deciding that she would be annoyed, is she generally such an unreasonable person that she gets annoyed about such?

It may be that you are reasonable in the amount of time he has available to train compared to you, but that's entirely distinct from the race where his compromise is completely reasonable.

In fact I wouldn't consider my MIL's birthday an event I'd particularly need to be at, at all, it's not as if my DP would need any support for it, so why would I attend? But that of course depends on the relationship etc. And the relative importance of the alternative.

Inthedarkaboutfashion Mon 12-Jan-15 12:34:41

Why will your DM be annoyed about his absence in the evening? Does she not realise that he has a life and things that he wants to do and that sometimes those things might clash with other things? It isn't like he is stopping the whole family from attending. It isn't a family wedding, it's just a birthday, people have birthdays every year.

ilovesooty Mon 12-Jan-15 12:36:39

I think what he's proposing is perfectly reasonable. If you're resentful of his training (you said earlier you were supportive) and are worried about your mother being "annoyed" those are your issues. It's not as if he's trying to pull out of the meal.

Marphe Mon 12-Jan-15 12:36:41

I'm a properly committed runner and have done one marathon. Although I am very serious about my running, whatever distance I'm training for, marathon training is a whole different ball game. I took my training very seriously indeed and everything in the months leading up to the run was planned around my training. I know many other runners who live their lives the same way. However, we are all very aware of how much this impacts on our families and do our best to train early/late around school and partners jobs and family commitments etc.

If this was "the" marathon I would say you were being very unreasonable indeed, but it's not. As you say, it's essentially just a training run. He needs to do it that weekend but he doesn't need to enter the race. Provided the schedule will be arranged so he can still do the run without it being an "issue" then I think he should give the race a miss and stay with you and your parents. He can run early Sunday morning.

I can see that from his POV has made a reasonable compromise but I think he should recognise that you make big compromises all the time to support his running and that having this extended time with your family and him is important to you.

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