to be apopleptic about this wedding date?

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

So, DD15 turns 16 on 26 May. Since before Christmas, DH, his parents and I have been discussing having a surprise 'sweet sixteen' party for her at a local nice pub/restaurant with an upstairs party room. His parents, along with their longtime best friends (DMIL2 and DFIL2 - the families have been close forever) were here just after Christmas. We told them, including DMIL2, about our plans and the date we were planning - Saturday 23 May.

After they got back home, DMIL2 was talking to her DS2's fiancee A, and mentioned we were planning a sweet 16 for DD on Memorial Day weekend (we're in the USA). A nodded and smiled and said how nice...then not two days later booked (with nonrefundable deposits) the venue for her wedding and reception - the day after we were planning on having the party! They've been engaged since October of 2009 and NOW they have to get married quickfast (and no, no pregnancy involved)?!?

There is minor backstory in that NONE OF US like her - DMIL2 and DFIL2 tolerate her because their son D likes her, but she has managed to be blithely rude to each of us in our turn. Let's just say this wedding, with its BLACK TIE REQUIRED, nine bridesmaids, choreographed dances and more than one vocal performance by the bride-to-be, is all set up to be the "A Show" and its attendees no more than set-dressing.

So. Not only has she scheduled this party so as to make the first-planned party impossible - we live 300+ miles away from that part of the family and it would be impossible for them to afford/do the travel required for both events, even if we put the party back or forward a week - she has done it on purpose and...no under 18s are allowed, so our DS13 and DD15 are unwelcome. But I bet my DNephews 3 and 1 and Dnieces 4 and 1 will be right up there in it.

I am so angry with her because now there's nothing I can do - the deposits are nonrefundable and alea iacta est and all of that rot - but would I BU to either slap her one across the chops next time I see her, phone her up and ask her WTF, phone DMIL2 to ask same, or possibly the most cathartic, glue her face on a heavy bag and use it for kickboxing?

And now WHAT THE HELL do I do for my daughter?? We can still have our party but 2/3 of the people she would most want to attend won't be able to!!

[MerryChrisMiSantapologist]

Also, do not mean to post and run but have just realized it's 4 in the morning here and I have to be up soon! Please don't think I'm ignoring - gimme six or so hours' kip and I'll be back, promise cross my heart!

[gamerchick]

Have the party on another date and do something else for the actual birthday so she gets 2? Like same date a month earlier.

[notagainffffffffs]

Calm down woman

[MorrisZapp]

Blimey. This all seems a bit over dramatic about a kids birthday party. Did you want the party to be a surprise, or did you want your DD to have her long distance family there? If you give a surprise party I can't imagine the surprisee complaining that they were disappointed at the guest list.

It's half a year away, you can easily sort something out.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Eh?

Her wedding trumps a kids birthday party surely? No one gives a monkeys about a child's party surely?

You all sound really fake to me - have the kids birthday party and don't go to the wedding of someone you hate - how hard is that?

And if you're right and loads of the family also dislike her they will come to your child's party instead.

I have no idea why anyone goes to parties or weddings of people they dislike.

[Fullpleatherjacket]

Annoying, yes but not worth the dramatics.

Can you have your party at a venue close to the wedding?

[DorothyBastard]

Sweet Sixteen is really not a thing in the UK so it's hard for me to get worked up over something I see as a bit of a non event. But it's clearly important to you understatement, so why not keep the original plan and date, but just change the venue to somewhere near her wedding venue? If all the family are going to be in that location for the wedding then perhaps they could come to your DDs party the night before?

[PrimalLass]

Have it got this wrong: they are not even family? Just don't go, and your DD can have a party with her friends instead. She is 16 after all.

[SirChenjin]

I think you need to go outside, take some big breaths of fresh air and try and clear your mind. Then think constructively - other dates for your DDs birthday? Is there somewhere near Bridezilla's wedding venue that you could book for your DD's birthday, so that the weekend could be both a birthday and a wedding weekend?

I can completely understand why you are mightily pissed off - dates have been discussed for a while now, Bridezilla was informed, and she's gone behind everyone's back and booked a date that was already earmarked. Yes, she is entitled do blah blah etc etc, but that doesn't mean she should have.

Are you accepting the invitation to her wedding?

[DealForTheKids]

I hate to do the calling out here, but could this possibly be a reverse?! Just have her party the weekend after, loads of people don't have their parties on the actual day. My birthday is in exam season so I always celebrated milestone birthdays after the event and spent the day itself revising with maybe a small dinner with my parents.

[Catzeyess]

Just have the birthday another weekend. I like pp idea of doing something special on the actual day with your daughter. These things happen I'm sure the bride wasn't doing it to be mean on purpose. Sometimes there are very limited dates available and she can't be expected to factor in everyone else's lives - especially the birthday party of a 16 year old, who isn't invited to the wedding.

[SirChenjin]

OP has already explained she can't have it the weekend due to expense/travel for other family members

[SirChenjin]

the weekend after

[Ladymuck]

OK, we're talking about 2 separate families here, with a 16th in one and a wedding in the other. Looks as if on this occasion that the families will have to celebrate their own events and not each others. It is nigh on impossible to avoid clashes like this. I'm amazed there has never been a dairy clash before. You don't have to like everyone, but I certainly wouldn't assume that they've chosen the date as a personal dig against your dd.

[ilovesooty]

I don't see why the bride should care about your daughter's birthday party.

And I hope to goodness that drivel like "Sweet Sixteen" parties don't become fashionable in the UK.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

Your mother-in-law's best friend's son is getting married on the same day as your daughter's birthday party... and this is outrageous?

I really must be missing something.

[Tanith]

Oh, I do like SirChenjin's idea

If Bridezilla has done this deliberately, and it certainly sounds as though she may have done, she won't a bit like her wedding being a joint celebration weekend for anyone!

[Phoenixfrights]

You just realised it's four in the morning?? Eh?

Happens to me all the time not

[nocabbageinmyeye]

Am I right in thinking you are talking about your in-laws friends sons wife to be here? If so YABU to expect her to look on you as family or to arrange her wedding around you. You are also being dramatic about a birthday party, although I do realise sweet 16th's aren't done here but are in the US so maybe I just don't "get it".

Also if they live 300 miles away then I wonder how often your dd gets to see them anyway so is she really that close to them? I suspect she will be less disappointed and this is more about numbers on the night and you not liking her. YABU and overly dramatic, miffed/disappointed I can understand but you are definitely blowing this out of proportion imo

[UpSeeDaisies]

Are you on glue?!

[GotToBeInItToWinIt]

So you think she's done it deliberately? Why would she? What would she have to gain?

[BeyondDoesBootcamp]

Yes, your SILIL does not sound like a Nice Person to intentionally book her wedding knowing that you are planning a family occasion the same date, knowing that a) birthdays cant be moved and b) family cant afford to do both even if you move the date and c) that attending a family wedding will trump a family birthday, even if its a 'big' birthday

And then i'd guess that if you did hold it near the wedding venue the evening before, dd's friends couldnt come.

Shit :( umm, i dont know what to suggest. Hopefully clever posters will be along shortly...

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

Oh fgs. Apoplectic? Really?

[Flomple]

If your DD's birthday party is costing DPIL2 so much to attend that they can't bear the cost alongside another, even a week apart, then YABU to expect them to attend the party, with or without the wedding.

Your family go to your DD's thing, the other family go to the wedding, DPIL attempt to do both possibly or don't go to your DD's party. I don't see the problem.

A May date is not exactly quicksmart - it's early Jan still! And having been engaged for 5 years you'd expectthem to set a date at some point!

[BeyondDoesBootcamp]

I do have one suggestion. Perhaps your dh could speak to his brother?