To wonder how it's get to this point.(9 Posts)
Thread after thread on here about dp who do nothing around the house and often the couple are together a good few years. Aibu to think these people should have started as they meant to go on?
How does it get so bad?
When my now husband I started living together we had a very tough 6 months managing our expectations of each other. We weren't immediately compatible living together and w did have moments wondering if we ever would be. But while those 6 mo the were full of arguements and compromises, it brought us to a place where we both share the load. I know he'll never cook, he knows I'll never change the beds.
Is this unusual? How do mn posters end up living with a partnrr who does nothing and suddenly it's like 5 years later and they are listing here about it.
Disclaimer, we are not perfect, we have household arguemments but relatively minor & easily resolved.
Changes in circumstances I think.
When DH and me started living together things were shared because we both worked full time. After DS1 was born I was a SAHM for a short while so took on more of the housework while DH took over the control of bills etc.
After moving to a bigger house and an extra DC the housework has increased. I still do 99% of it despite also working part time.
I think it's easy to get into a routine and things don't change even when there's an extra child/more work hours/bigger house etc.
To some extent I think it's down to personally and confidence. My DH and I are the same as you - obviously as the children have got older we have tweaked it here and there as their needs have changed. Likewise, as I have returned to work and done similar jobs but in different settings things have been tweaked.
However, I left a nanny job once after having been with the family for 4.5 years because I was fed up at being taken for granted. At least, that was my perception.
2 years later I return to the same family after they'd voiced reservations about the nanny in between. The mum and I had an honest conversation about how the small things build up but each on their own seemed petty and trivial.
So, for the most part I agree with you but can see how things gradually come to a head.
I know he'll never cook, he knows I'll never change the beds.
What did you both do before you were together?
Well here's a thing...when DCs younger, my DH worked LONG hours (mortgage rates sky high and we were skint..sometimes 7 days a week and 12 hour shifts in a very manually hard job)) I did most of the chores...never even thought to ask...he was a good Dad and took them all out and I actually 'enjoyed' blitzing...then I worked longer hours than him and it took a few years, sometimes rows and me going 'on strike' to make him equal...now I am a lazy moo (menopause and not that well)...he does so much more than me..I leave lists for when he's off and I'm working...things change....
But you are right....takes some women ages to see that DPs are not pulling their weight....
Ha ha Gatehouse...I too am a nanny and had to hoover round MBs BFs socks more than once till he got the message...I don't even pick up Hubbies socks!!!
Expectations I think. A bit like anything, if you start as you mean to go on and set your stall out...I expect DP and I to do an equal share and we do
I refuse to empty the dishwasher though
I know women who have learned from their mother-men are to be pandered to and tidied up after. Not a surprise that one such woman now finds her DH does fuck all.
He lived at home and I did change the bed sheets...... Occasionally ;)
When Dh was out of work he did 95% at home, again except cooking. However, he'd peel veg, etc so all I had to do was literally cook.
When he returned to work this was a change for me but he made me do it ie kept reminding me etc so after a few weeks it was back equal again.
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