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to have challenged my dad about how he verbally abuses my mum?

(81 Posts)
mummytowillow Sat 10-Jan-15 16:11:13

In a nutshell my dad verbally abuses my mum. He literally can't stand her, it is written all over his face when he even looks at her and he is foul mouthed, and at any opportunity will put her down.

They don't sleep in the same room and do nothing together apart from shopping (he only goes because she can't do it on her own). He scoffs and makes fun of any activity she does and makes unpleasant comments about her friends.

She tells me all the time how he is with her and seems quite sad a lonely at the situation she is in. I have a brother, who is aware of how my dad is, just shrugs his shoulders and is not interested. (Sadly he is very much the same with his own wife).

My mum isn't a well woman and can be difficult regarding her illnesses. This requires some biting of the tongue and patience. But he hasn't got any with her.

He refuses to help her with basic tasks, such as opening packets, carrying things etc. He was very ill a few years ago and we all rallied round and did everything we could for him, including my mum. He seems to have forgotten this.

Here are some examples of how is with her:

She is overweight (not lots and is following a diet club), but if she eats something he doesn't agree with he calls her a fat b---h, a greedy fat fu---r and numerous other obscenities.

If she buys something with her own money, out of her own account that he doesn't agree with, he gives her such a hard time about it she takes it back. She bought something with me recently to help her bad back, she went home and he told her she was fking puddled, so she took it back.

He has told her she can't speak to him unless he speaks to her, unless its about his grandchildren (he has three granddaughters).

She recently fell in the kitchen (she falls a lot), and he stepped over her and told her she was fking stupid. She'd hurt her hand and he reluctantly drove her to A&E (I was at work and she didn't tell me until the next day) They sat there for 10 hours and he didn't say one thing to her or offer to get her a drink.

She walks with sticks, if they have to go out to a function etc he won't help her and lets doors go on her so she nearly falls over (I've witnessed this and managed to stop her falling, while I was trying to sort my daughter out as well).

So today I've been to their house, he again is making derogatory comments to me saying she's lost to the plot, she's stupid etc. I also found out that he is now monitoring the phone to see how many calls she makes and the cost.

I'd had enough, so asked him if his granddaughters came to him and said their husbands were verbally abusing them, what would he think. He actually had the nerve to say he wouldn't be happy.

So I asked him why he thought it was OK to swear and call his own wife names and all hell broke loose.

He said its none of my business (probably true) and keep my nose out of other people's business. He said from now on, if I call at their house I'm to given them notice so he can go out as he doesn't want to see me.

He said I don't look after my daughter properly (this is totally not true and he was scoring points there). He also told me the reason I'm on my own (I'm divorced) is because I don't do as I'm told and have too much to say!

They have been married for 50 years and I just can't imagine how awful it must be to live with someone like that.

So, should I have kept my trap shut and do as I'm told, or would you have challenged him as well.

Any ideas on where to go from here as he won't make any effort now and my poor mum is stuck in the middle.

Blackout234 Sat 10-Jan-15 16:14:53

Don't ask if you're being unreasonable or fret about how your not a bad mum.
GET. HER. OUT.
This isn't just verbal abuse, this is control, manipulation and financial abuse.

Salmotrutta Sat 10-Jan-15 16:14:57

No you shouldn't have kept quiet.

It is your business.

He is a horrible bully.

DelphiniumBlue Sat 10-Jan-15 16:16:48

That's so sad. I think you were right and courageous to stand up for your Mum.
If he wants to go out when you come round, that's his choice. Text him to let him know that you are coming, rather passing a message via your Mum.

He needs to know what people think of his foul behaviour.

Do you have siblings who can help support you and Mum? Or other family?
Sounds like he's the sort of guy who needs other men to tell him where to get off - does he have brothers/cousins you can involve?

squoosh Sat 10-Jan-15 16:19:13

The only positive thing I read in your post is that your mum has her own bank account. He sounds like an absolute monster, a suburban tinpot dictator. I suppose after 50 years there's very little chance she'd leave him but I don't know how anyone can tolerate such a life. What's his health like? Is there much hope of him shuffling off the planet any time soon?

In terms of your argument it really doesn't sound as though there would be much difference between angry dad and everyday dad. It's not as though he ever sounds pleasant for your mum to live with.

Tell your mum to come visit you so you and your father can avoid each other as much as possible. I definitely wouldn't go apologising to him.

OhGoveUckYourself Sat 10-Jan-15 16:19:31

I am amazed you even had to ask. Nasty controlling bully. Someone needs to stand up for your mother. If you can't/won't then report then at least make sure she gets help. That is a living hell.

squoosh Sat 10-Jan-15 16:20:51

Interesting that you say your brother has followed in your father's footsteps. Glad you haven't taken after either parent in terms of a marriage model. A divorce is infinitely preferable to tolerating that kind of vile bullying.

AlorsMeh Sat 10-Jan-15 16:21:32

He is vile. Has he always been like this or just since his illness? Your mum in no way deserves the horrendous treatment and you were right to challenge him on it.

WilburIsSomePig Sat 10-Jan-15 16:23:42

No you shouldn't have kept your trap shut and to be honest I don't understand why you haven't spoken up before. Poor poor woman. You have to help her, she's your mum, you cannot allow her to live like this any longer.

Rosa Sat 10-Jan-15 16:24:50

Well done but please don't stop going for your mums sake. Poor woman it sounds terrible . Can you get her out of there?'' Mind you would she want to go ?

mummytowillow Sat 10-Jan-15 16:25:10

She absolutely will not leave, they are in their 70's and materially have everything.

She is very financially secure but I just can't imagine her living on her own.

To the outside world he is charming and they have a 'normal' marriage. I have a brother, he isn't interested in what is going on and I can see my dads traits in him. He is also selfish, treats his own lovely wife like crap.

I can't get her out as I only have a two bed rented property and any way she wouldn't leave him.

Do I give in and go round to make it better for her or stick to my guns and just tell her I'm here if she needs to visit etc.

He once stopped speaking to me for 8 months as I went away for a weekend with a long term boyfriend without his permission (I was 21 by the way)!

AlorsMeh Sat 10-Jan-15 16:25:51

He's told her not to speak to him unless he speaks to her first.

This makes me want to cry.

Who the hell does he think he is?

Poor, poor woman.

squoosh Sat 10-Jan-15 16:28:22

I think it would cause your mum more harm if you stopped visiting to spite your father (even though that would be understandable). How far away do you live? Can you meet her for coffee in town, have her over to stay for a night at the weekends?

SunshineAndShadows Sat 10-Jan-15 16:29:54

Hi sounds like a dick.
Have you spoken to your mum? What does she want? I'd advise you to support her however you can and to broach the subject of divore/abuse. You also need to consider the potential impact on your own DD - if her GP are her role model for marriage then I'd personallt be reluctant to bring her to visit with you father's behaviour.
Good luck

avocadotoast Sat 10-Jan-15 16:32:58

Your poor mum. Your dad sounds like a real piece of work. You definitely weren't out of line in saying something.

JennyOnTheBlocks Sat 10-Jan-15 16:38:21

whilst it must be upsetting to be told he won't see you any more, I would take up his 'challenge' (because I get the feeling he thinks you will stay away, rather than carry it out) of calling him so he can go out before you visit.

Making him abide by his own rules might be best for your mum, at least you won't have to hear him abuse her, and she can get a break from it too.

you did a good thing thanks

balia Sat 10-Jan-15 16:59:45

Go round as often as you can with minimal notice so the dickhead has to go out. Call him on every nasty comment in a calm, measured way, pointing out that anyone he admires/respects/looks up to would be disgusted by his behaviour.

But don't take your daughter anywhere near him.

TheWitTank Sat 10-Jan-15 17:02:56

Jesus. This made me want to weep. Please don't stop going to see her as you are probably one of the only kind faces she sees. If he is like that in front of you I actually dread to think what he is like when they are alone. He is an abuser. He may not be physically laying into her but is emotionally abusive and neglectful (dropping doors purposefully into her, leaving her after she has fallen). I would stand up to him and tell him that if you ever witness or hear of him treating your mother like that again you won't hesitate to tell everyone what kind of man he is and that you will call the police. I can't stand bullies, especially not manipulative and cruel ones. It's absolutely as damaging as getting a punch in the face.

WandaFuca Sat 10-Jan-15 17:07:05

I think it would be a good idea if you could talk this situation through with someone - maybe your mum's GP? The HCPs involved in you mum's care might be assuming that she gets support at home from her husband, which is clearly not the case.

Even if your father has always been "difficult", the situation now, given your mum's age, probably falls into the category of elder abuse. It could be worth you calling AgeUK for advice.

Good for you for standing up to him.

SIMPLESAM Sat 10-Jan-15 17:11:35

Yanbu, I hate bullies and just because they're married it doesn't mean he can treat her like that.

arlagirl Sat 10-Jan-15 17:16:05

Sounds like my FIL

Euphemia Sat 10-Jan-15 17:16:20

My dad was often like this. My mum thought about leaving in her 40s after he threw a wine bottle at me during an argument then chucked us both out.

But she'd been with him since she was 16, so no way that was happening.

Sorry, I have no answers. My dad died a year ago and I feel guilty at the relief. sad

theendoftheendoftheend Sat 10-Jan-15 17:19:10

That's one of the saddest posts I've ever read. I've never cried at a post before!
You were definately right to call him on it. I second what balia suggested.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 10-Jan-15 17:23:40

Yes, you absolutely did the right thing. What positive outcome might be possible now, other than your mother leaving his abusive arse, I cannot imagine. He's likely the type to lay into her ten-times worse now that you've said your piece.

"She fell and he stepped over her while calling her fucking stupid"

I don't know your Mam (obviously) and this made me want to have a good sob.

She might be "financially secure" now but at what costs to her self-respect and sanity? Maybe she has none left to speak of after such wicked treatment by him.

Keep going round, phone him to give him fair warning to fuck off, and NEVER, EVER take your daughter round there with you if he's present. It could be, that now you and Mam can talk in private, she might be able to see that her life would be much, much better with him not in it.

He's a disgusting, abusive fucking bully, mistreating a disabled old woman like that. Tell EVERYONE you both know precisely what a bloody bastard he is to your Mam.

woowoo22 Sat 10-Jan-15 17:24:19

This is shockingly awful.

Could SS get involved? If she was "made" to leave him it would free her from a fecking awful life.

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