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To be pissed off about dp's attitude towards our wedding/me in general?

(50 Posts)
Seishan81 Sat 10-Jan-15 09:23:54

We're supposed to be getting married May next year although nothing has been organised or booked yet. Dp openly admits that as his first marriage went sour he's not a big fan of marriage anymore but as he knows it's important to me, he'll do it got my sake. The rights and wrongs of that are a different thread altogether but anyway.

So we have just over a year to save up. I said I'd be happy with a quick , cheap registry office. He said he doesn't wAnt that and wants a bigger, posher do. Strange really considering he supposedly doesn't care about marriage anymore.

So anyway we've settled on a package deal at a nice venue, all inclusive (ceremony, reception, buffet, dj etc) for £1300. On top of that we'll obviously need to pay for rings, wedding licence, the bloke who marries you, cars and other extras.

The annoying bit is that dp has decided we're not to save any more than £50 a month. That saved up over a year doesn't even cover the package deal and he knows that yet says he's not prepared for us to save any more than that and it will 'work out' and I'm 'not to worry'.

We can easily afford to save more. We have around £300 spare each month after groceries and everything else but dp doesn't want to spend a year saving as he wants to 'enjoy' the spare money we have.

Aibu to think HE'S been unreasonable? I've said if he doesn't actually wang to get married he doesn't have to but he says it's not that, he just doesn't want to save more than £50 a month even though we can afford to!

ApocalypseThen Sat 10-Jan-15 09:26:33

He isn't interested in getting married and is passively aggressively showing you that. What you do with the information is up to you.

redexpat Sat 10-Jan-15 09:27:08

That does sound a bit odd. Have you sat down and discussed financing it?

firesidechat Sat 10-Jan-15 09:29:07

I'm sorry but it sounds like he is paying lip service to getting married and quietly sabotaging it on the side.

There is also nothing wrong with someone getting married because it is important to their partner. Lots of people, men and women, do it when they love their partners and have no strong feelings about marriage either way.

3littlefrogs Sat 10-Jan-15 09:29:12

Hmm. I think he doesn't want to get married.
Sorry OP.sad

I think you need to put off the wedding and have a proper talk about your relationship and your hopes for the future.

A marriage isn't just about the wedding. Your second paragraph is very telling. I get the feeling he is complicating things purely as a delaying tactic. He says he wants an expensive wedding but doesn't really want to save effectively to pay for it. Your idea for a cheap and cheerful wedding is the ideal solution, but he doesn't want that. It doesn't make sense.

IdontusuallyNC Sat 10-Jan-15 09:29:39

It's fairly obvious he's making it quite clear. He has no interest in marriage and has no interest in paying for a marriage

3littlefrogs Sat 10-Jan-15 09:29:44

X posts with everyone else.

sooperdooper Sat 10-Jan-15 09:30:57

That's ridiculous, work out how much £50 a month works out to - I guess that would cover the simple wedding you want? He can't not be bothered about getting married AND want a big do but not save for it

If your finances are joint then you need to compromise - his suggestion makes no sense

FluffyMcnuffy Sat 10-Jan-15 09:30:58

Well I can sort of see his point. How much fun money will you have a month after the 300 saving?

Only1scoop Sat 10-Jan-15 09:32:31

He doesn't want to get married....is only doing it to keep the peace....

Do you really want to marry him if he feels like this.

AlleyCat11 Sat 10-Jan-15 09:35:37

How long have you been with this guy? I can see why he's reluctant. His divorce, of course. Why do you want to get married?

BringMeTea Sat 10-Jan-15 09:39:14

I recall another poster on here whose partner also wasn't keen but agreed to marriage. Then he refused the 'inexpensive' option. It seems to be a very passive aggressive way of telling you that he has no interest in getting married to you. Sorry OP. I would seriously rethink if I was you.

DistractedAgain Sat 10-Jan-15 09:39:26

In your position I would be concerned by your partners attitude to you in general. Does he make your world a better place the rest of the time? You do not have to marry this one.....if he is like this now what will it be like in ten years time?
Do you have low self esteem or issues surrounding your worth in general? Work on yourself whilst being your own best friend for a bit and see if as you grow he grows and encourages you, if not maybe consider your world of other options and opportunities without him.

paxtecum Sat 10-Jan-15 09:39:29

Fluffy: but he wants the more expensive wedding but doesn't want to pay for it. How does that work then?

Op: do you think he is hoping for a handout for parents?

BringMeTea Sat 10-Jan-15 09:42:09

Btw, your wedding as described is very inexpensive. He is being a dick. I doubt it will improve. Decent partners want to make their partner happy.

Cabrinha Sat 10-Jan-15 09:43:23

You know women can be registrars too, right? hmm what with it being 2015 and all.

I agree with people who say he clearly doesn't want to get married.

But what about you? Personally I would saddle myself with someone with whom I didn't have a compatible attitude to finances. And equal say. Why does he get to decide how much is saved? How well do you make spending decisions together anyway?

Chunderella Sat 10-Jan-15 09:44:44

This is very odd. He's engaging in two mutually contradictory behaviours- insisting on an expensive wedding, and refusing to allow any money to be put towards it. There seem to be three obvious explanations. One, not really wanting to get married and sabotaging it. Two, expecting help from family. Or three, not understanding how much a big do would cost. Maybe he thinks since the basic job would be £1300, you could get something posher for 2k and could scrape that together nearer the time?

On another note, not that you should have to pay for the wedding all yourself, but why does he get the final say on how much you save? If you have £300 a month spare, presumably at least some of that is yours so I can't see how it's his place to say your share should be spent on 'having fun' rather than, say, wedding flowers. It's one thing to say he'll only put a certain amount towards it himself, another thing altogether to try and enforce you doing the same.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 10-Jan-15 09:47:26

Tbh I think you need to confront this now.

"DH your saving plan will see us with £800 saved by next May, not the £2000 we will need for your plan. So, I have cancelled the venue and booked the registry office and a private dining room at X for our closet family"

See what he says.

redskybynight Sat 10-Jan-15 09:47:26

Is he secretly saving on the side, ready to make a grand gesture nearer the time?

does he have hopes of getting the money from elsewhere (e.g. parents)?

CatsClaus Sat 10-Jan-15 09:47:40

....could he make it any clearer for you?

he does not want to marry...now whether than includes you in a relationship or cuts you out of his life only you can know.

Save that money and any extra you have and keep it safe, just in case.

CatsClaus Sat 10-Jan-15 09:48:46

oooh hacked ..closet family grin grin

cozietoesie Sat 10-Jan-15 09:49:29

A real neat PA ploy which talks to the state of your relationship as much as anything else, I suspect. It sounds as if he's wanting to heap all the responsibility on you on a 'Well - you wanted X,Y etc......but .....' Has this happened with other things at all?

I'd be considering the whole thing in the wee small hours - and, frankly, I'd be saving money in any case although not necessarily for a wedding. How does the money side of things work between you two?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 10-Jan-15 09:51:35

Ha whoops!

gamerchick Sat 10-Jan-15 09:52:23

Have you provisionally booked the date with the registrar yet? Don't book venues and all that until your name is in that book. You can't set it in stone more than a year ahead so you have until May to do the talks with your bloke.

I would be telling him that 50 quid a month savings will equal a cheaper do and if he wants the package you've both picked then he'll have to prove it with actions.

AlleyCat11 Sat 10-Jan-15 10:01:26

Also, who's idea was it to get married? Did he ask you?
Does he have kids from his previous marriage? Maybe he's worried that a baby is next on the agenda, after the wedding... Do you have children yourself / with him?

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