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AIBU regarding stepdad's attitude towards my pregnancy?

(30 Posts)
sbear22 Fri 09-Jan-15 19:55:49

Sorry if this ends up pretty long. My DSD has been in my life for about 13 years now (since I was 9). We aren't particularly close per se but we get on well enough. Recently a lot of fam drama has kicked off with his two sons, my DB and my DM and not many people are getting along, drama I'm not really involved in because I don't live with them.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant. When we first told him at about 6 weeks pg (early I know) he seemed happy but he later said to DM whilst they were talking about it "Well it's not my grandchild is it." I was quite upset with this but assumed he felt a bit put out (even though we'd gone to effort to invite him round and tell him properly - a courtesy we didn't even afford my Ddad!) Then a few weeks ago he decided he was going to book a trip to a city 3 hrs away for himself, DM, and all of his siblings + partners as it's his brother's 60th, 5 days before my due date. When DM pointed the date out to him he said "Well it's only 3 hours away." DM is disabled and although she drives, I would not be happy her driving all that way alone, and he's never going to stay sober the whole time just in case as he drinks an awful lot (I think he might have a problem - whole different thread though!). Then today DM told me that at Christmas he revealed the name me and DH plan on calling our child to other relatives, having only told my DH's parents and my DM and DSD in strict confidence, again whilst he was drunk.

AIBU to be entirely pissed off with him and never wanna talk to him again? Should I just let it wash over me? Is it pg hormones making me feel irrationally annoyed or is there some merit to feeling perturbed? Thanks for sticking with me!

victoryinthekitchen Fri 09-Jan-15 20:21:39

uanbu, he sounds like an awkward buggar, try to be the bigger person if you can as he's not worth getting upset about.

fishinabarrell Fri 09-Jan-15 20:25:08

I would probably distance myself for the 'not mine' comment because he'saying he's not bothered loud and clear.

Is he and your mum having issues perhaps? Maybe he thinks they won't last much longer and is being defensive? Or cutting losses if you've not been close previously?

VivienneRuns Fri 09-Jan-15 20:30:27

Reserve your respect for people who deserve it. He's a dickhead. Make sure there's someone to drive your dm to see you when the baby's born. Involve her as much as you like, keep him out.

elliejjtiny Fri 09-Jan-15 20:34:10

YANBU. I'd be really upset about the "not my grandchild" comment and fuming over the telling the name thing. I wouldn't mind about the trip but then my mum hasn't seen any of my children straight away and still hasn't met almost 7 month old DS5 yet. How long is the trip? Were you hoping your mum would visit you soon after the birth?

littleleftie Fri 09-Jan-15 20:38:02

People never keep their bog gobs shut about baby names - sad but true. If you don't want everyone to know then don't tell anyone.

I don't really understand why your mother cannot go 3 hours away 5 days before your due date?

Is she your birth partner?

littleleftie Fri 09-Jan-15 20:38:20

big gobs!

IAmAllImportant Fri 09-Jan-15 20:44:35

Maybe he is just showing good grace to the 'real' GPs. Not really meaning to distance himself deliberately but showing he knows where he comes in your pecking order, with that comment.

I'd be pretty angry at the name telling though!

You know not to tell him anything that you don't want to be common knowledge in future!

Sitting on the fence on them going away though! Do you need your DM for child care of older children? Maybe to be with you as a birthing partner? If not, YABU on that.

Foolishlady Fri 09-Jan-15 20:45:05

The "not my grandchild" comment isn't nice (although accurate particularly if you aren't close). Who told you about this comment (and why) and in what context was it said? Don't see the problem with your mother being 3 hours away 5 days before your due date, unless there's something more to this? He's certainly not being fantastic about your pregnancy, hopefully your mum and dad are being a bit more enthusiastic!

WooWooOwl Fri 09-Jan-15 20:55:13

People say things they wouldn't otherwise say when they're drunk, and if keeping the name a secret was important to you, you should have kept it to yourselves. People get far to hung up on keeping potential baby names a secret IMO anyway, it's just creating drama for the sake of having some attention.

The going away thing will have involved a lot of people, and it might have been better for the majority of your step dads siblings to go on the date that has been chosen. I don't think a birthday celebration that involves quite a few people should be dependant on one persons step daughters pregnancy. The world does not revolve around you just because you are pregnant and if your mum feels the need to restrict her life to only being five minutes from home for a month in case her dd who is perfectly capable goes into labour, then she is free to. I'm sure her attendance on this trip isn't compulsory, and it is only three hours away.

Your step dad is being factual that this child won't be his grandchild, and as the comment wasn't made to you directly you have no idea of the context of it, which could make all the difference. Why is someone shit stirring and telling you that anyway.

I think YABU.

LiegeAndLief Fri 09-Jan-15 21:01:40

I don't think the going away five days before your due date is really a problem at all, unless your mum really wants to stay and he is coercing her. It is for a special occasion and has clearly involved a lot of people so there may not have been many dates to suit.

The rest of it doesn't sound that great, although telling people who drink a lot things you want kept secret is probably not a brilliant plan...

CalicoBlue Fri 09-Jan-15 21:01:51

I would not read too much into his comment. Probably said without thinking.

I have a great relationship with my step dad, he married my mother when I was an adult so never really a father to me, but has known my kids from birth. My kids call him Granddad. Once day talking to my DD, she was about 11, he mentioned that 'his grandchildren liked...blah blah.' My DD did not mention anything but I was a bit upset. I said to my mother that my kids do not differentiate between him and their other grandfathers. I don't think he meant anything, just said it without thinking.

Your mother being away just before your due date might make you worry, but most first babies come late anyway.

I am sure he will be a dotting granddad when baby arrives, so just let it go for now and enjoy your pregnancy.

Viviennemary Fri 09-Jan-15 21:10:37

I think the it's not my grandchild wasn't very nice. But did you hear it or did your Mum pass it on. If she did then it would have been better that she didn't. I don't think he's done anything too terrible. So I'd just let it go for the time being but no point in spending too much time with them if he annoys you.

sbear22 Fri 09-Jan-15 21:47:52

DM and DSD are having a few issues of their own. DM told me about his 'not my grandchild' comment and explained the context, which was, DM getting excited talking about baby and then he said this. To me, this seems malicious rather than just statement of fact.

DM and I are very close, we live very close as do DH's parents, and its the first Gchild on both sides so she and DH's parents are planning to be at the hospital as soon as I have given birth (although not in the room). DSD knows this as we have all discussed it previously. The fact she will be so far away upset my Mum more than me, I just think it's inconsiderate to her and to me on his part knowing that Mum is my best pal, is disabled and he knows she shouldn't be left alone particularly for a long drive, potentially early in the morning (she's determined to be there ASAP when baby comes).

I agree with those who have said I should have kept names secret (particularly from a drinker), once it's out it's out. I'm glad others agree that he is being particularly awful. I shall, as VivienneRuns says, reserve my respect for others who deserve it!

Thanks for your replies! flowers

AgentZigzag Fri 09-Jan-15 22:53:25

Why would your mum tell you about the 'not my grandchild' comment?

And then about him telling his family the names you've chosen.

Then saying how upset she is about him booking the trip away?

If she's having problems with him herself, is she kind of drawing you into them a bit do you think?

She doesn't have to go on the trip he's decided to book for her, the way you've written it makes it sound as though she doesn't have a choice.

I would try and separate what you know of him from the way your mum's portraying him at a time when they're not getting on as well as they could, before deciding whether he's being a wanker or not.

MistressDeeCee Sat 10-Jan-15 00:04:08

He is spiting your DM and you are suffering the fallout of all that. He's come up with the "not my grandchild" statement to crush her excitement, and the arrangement of the trip shortly before your due date is an extension of that attitude too. Prick. I hope she leaves him before he drains every bit of joy from her life. I wouldn't bother with him at all, ignoring would be my stance but unfortunately he will probably make your DMs life hell. I bet when the baby is born all sorts of idiotic issues will start regarding her wanting to visit regularly. I come across people like this in RL and read about them online time and time again - spiteful bastards with issues they choose to deal with by inflicting a miserable life on a woman

FightOrFlight Sat 10-Jan-15 00:23:35

I agree with AgentZigzag on all points.

Yes he was cruel to make the 'not my grandchild' comment but equally cruel of your mother to relay it back to you. Why would she do that knowing that it would hurt you? I appreciate she was upset about it but she needs to offload on a friend, not her daughter in situations like this.

Perhaps she can claim to be feeling too ill to make the trip when the day arrives if she wants to be close to you in case you go into labour.

wobblyweebles Sat 10-Jan-15 02:51:06

The second and third don't really seem like huge issues to me.

My mum ended up not babysitting DD1 while I gave birth to DD2 (even though she'd promised she would), because she went away and had had too many drinks to drive home. She still turned up as soon as she'd sobered up, which was in fact when I really really needed her. My stepdad drove her at about 100mph up the M1 to get to me in hospital just before I went for emergency surgery.

The telling people the baby's name is just what loads of people do.

The 'It's not my grandchild' comment is the one I'd talk to him about. Let him know that as far as your concerned it is his grandchild. Once the baby arrives, as long as he's included I bet he'll fall in love.

Bulbasaur Sat 10-Jan-15 04:19:23

Agree with Zigzag I always get a bit hmm when someone passes on gossip about me. What's the point? I wasn't there, I can't defend myself now. It's a stealth jab that you can't react to without shooting the messenger. As an aside, I do like to go to the person straight out with the messenger right there while I say exactly what was said and ask what the deal is. You would be surprised at how little I hear about myself anymore. smile

Seriously, stop letting DM drag you into this.

HelloItsStillMeFell Sat 10-Jan-15 04:37:34

He's behaving iike an obstinate spoilt child for some reason, perhaps all the drama on his side of the family is upsetting him and he's feeling that your mother is all over you and your pregnancy and not giving him enough support and attention?

I don't think you can be too annoyed about the name thing though. You either tell or you don't tell. You can't expect people to remember who they are supposed to mention it to and who they are not. He probably thought if you'd already announced it then it didn't really matter, and I'm inclined to agree with him on that one.

PhaedraIsMyName Sat 10-Jan-15 04:38:28

I think you are over- reacting (as is Mistress DeeCee)

I really don't see what the problem is re the event 3 hours drive away 5 days before. For him it is a significant family event. She's not your birth partner.

So far as the comment, I'd be more annoyed at your mother for telling you than at his saying it. What was the context? Several posters seem to be assuming she's being pressurised into going to the family event - could it be she was trying to persuade him to cancel his brother's event because of your imminent accouchement?, which I don't think would be reasonable.

So far as the name- sorry not getting what the big deal is at all.

Coyoacan Sat 10-Jan-15 04:59:25

Another one who would not put too much store by the "not my grandchild" comment, it could mean anything, depending on the context and tone. I don't like people telling others what so-and-so said about them, as there are very few occasions when it is beneficial to the listener to hear this stuff.

sbear22 Sat 10-Jan-15 07:46:42

Thanks for all your input, I do appreciate seeing the different sides of these matters

Thymeout Sat 10-Jan-15 09:01:39

I think the 'it's not my grandchild' comment sounds like part of a conversation with your DM. She's excited and was probably unable to talk about anything else. It's very likely he wasn't showing the same amount of interest and this was the response when she complained about it.

I know quite a few blood grandfathers who weren't particularly interested until the baby actually arrived. They didn't appreciate how much it meant the prospective mother or her feelings re chosen names being kept secret.

This is huge for you. But he's got other things on his mind. He can't change the date of his db's significant birthday. Your baby could be two weeks early or two weeks late. People are not going to put their lives on hold for that length of time. Baby almost certainly will not arrive on the day of the party. And if it did, 3 hours isn't much in the overall scheme of things.

It sounds as if your DM is in a race with your DMiL to see the baby first. You may very well not want to see either of them immediately after the birth. It really isn't worth getting upset about these things so much in advance. They might not happen, and, even if they did, you'll have your new-born baby to enjoy. Far more important than squabbles between relatives.

naty1 Sat 10-Jan-15 10:42:19

I had dc1 a few days before due date but was in labour 40hrs from first twinge so plenty of time.
Also if you have the baby late overnight people might not make it till the following day.
I would inly be concerned if she were going abroad.

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