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To ell him that housework is one of the main reasons I'm going?

(60 Posts)
tigermoll Fri 09-Jan-15 15:42:37

Can't work out if this is a bad idea or a necessary one:

I have recently split very amicably from my partner of nearly 6 years. We lived together for three of those years, and housework was an ongoing issue for me. He was the classic 'doesn't see the mess' type, and I kept going through the same cycle over and over again:

Decide to leave it - don't be a martyr, etc
Find it hard to relax in disgusting house/run out of dishes or space/someone is coming over, so I clean up
Get cross and talk to him about it - he doesn't care if it's messy or not, I should clean it up if it bothers me, gets upset that I am criticising him.
I feel naggy and resentful - how come it's always me that cleans up, maybe I should be more laid back, his way is just as 'right' as mine, etc
Decide I hate being the 'naggy wife' more than I hate the mess, so decide to just leave it again.
Repeat from start.

So we split up at my suggestion, but with his full agreement for other reasons - we just didn't see ourselves together as a long term couple. I didn't mention the housework at the time, but if I'm honest, it was a major factor. I just didn't want my life to forever involve cleaning up after a lazy manchild.

Since the split we have continued to co habit while I look for another place, and I'm moving out next week. So my question is, should I ruin the peace of our final week by bringing up housework for one last time, or should I just leave it? What if it sabotages his next relationship as well - do I owe it to him to give him a heads-up?

MissBattleaxe Fri 09-Jan-15 15:51:24

You could either have an honest talk with him, or do the slightly PA/told-you-so thing of leaving him to fester until he realises how much bloody work it takes to run a home.

I don't blame you for leaving by the way.

Artistic Fri 09-Jan-15 15:51:56

Don't bother, just leave the house super messy on the last day, he will get the message! grin

MissBattleaxe Fri 09-Jan-15 15:52:59

In other words, pop back in two weeks time on the premise that you've forgotten something and see what a state the place is in. You may feel vindicated and enjoy going back to your nice clean space.

Not doing half the housework is actually a bigger issue- it is selfishness, taking someone for granted and shows immaturity.

Pootles2010 Fri 09-Jan-15 15:53:46

Just leave. He obviously just isn't a tidy/clean person, so hopefully his next partner will be of a similar mindset.

Some people just aren't that way inclined.

Summerisle1 Fri 09-Jan-15 15:56:45

Just go and enjoy a new life that doesn't involve cleaning up after a lazy manchild!

I speak from personal experience when I say that no matter how many times you discuss the housework, when your partner simply can't see what the problem is then you'll get nowhere. It'll be your "obsession" rather than their filth that's at issue. So don't waste valuable words.

TheEponymousGrub Fri 09-Jan-15 15:57:14

But...you told him already that it mattered to you, and he didn't care enough to change. Would he now believe that it really was that important to you?

If it were me, I would WANT to tell him, and I might not be able to resist, but actually there's even less point now than there ever was.

Congratulations on negotiating an amicable break-up by the way!
(Impressed.)

ImperialBlether Fri 09-Jan-15 15:59:44

What you do is this: don't do any housework whatsoever from now until then unless it's something related to you, eg crockery you've used. Don't wash his. When you move out, just take all your stuff and leave him there in the mess. He's left you in the mess for years and you've caved in and cleaned up; you are just doing the same to him, now.

Good for you on getting out!

AnnieLobeseder Fri 09-Jan-15 16:00:06

I would say it depends very strongly on whether you think he's genuinely just a naturally messy person who doesn't care about living in mess, or if you think that at heart he believes that having a penis means that the person with the vagina should be cleaning up after you. If it's the former, it won't make any difference. If it's the latter, then he needs to know that having this seriously outdated view has cost him a marriage.

In fact, scrap that, either way, I think he needs to know that his attitude to housework, however he defends it, has cost him a marriage.

tigermoll Fri 09-Jan-15 16:01:32

Thanks for the responses - I'm not sure he will ever 'notice' that the house is a state. When I came back from a week away over christmas the place looked like a squat. Actually, that's unfair on squats - I have been to some that are very clean and tidy!

I once asked a male friend of mine (who is not at all a slob and very on-it with housework, cooking, etc) what the best way to handle it was, and he said 'Everyone needs to get trained by someone. Most women get trained by their mothers, but most men I know ended up getting trained by a girlfriend who they are no longer with. She trains him, the relationship suffers, he moves onto the next one but this time knows he has to do the cleaning'. So am I doing the women of the world a disservice by not telling him, or will it be too little, too late?

SaucyMare Fri 09-Jan-15 16:01:45

I am presuming he wasn't living with his parents until you moved in together, so he knows exactly how much work is involved in running his flat.

I am getting pretty sick of the "you don't do things my way so you are selfish" comments.

JeanneDeMontbaston Fri 09-Jan-15 16:02:01

I'd tell him.

I honestly think the 'doesn't see mess' thing is utter bollocks. I know people have really different standards, but if it were really about that, he'd have figured out how to 'see' the mess even if he disagreed with you over what to do about cleaning it up.

So I think let him know, but as nicely as you can, because as you say, he needs to know if there's a pattern there. People can change, and he might want to if he had another relationship where it mattered.

Miscellany23 Fri 09-Jan-15 16:05:34

I wouldn't bother, I can't imagine that he doesn't already know that the housework situation is an issue, it sounds like you brought it up quite often.

tigermoll Fri 09-Jan-15 16:10:06

I am presuming he wasn't living with his parents until you moved in together

Umm, well actually one of conditions of us moving in together was that he moved out from his parents and found a place of his own first (I had moved abroad for a few months for work). By this, I hoped to avoid the manchild issue by not having him move straight from his mother's house to mine.

Instead, when I came back, I found the toilet (among other things) looked like something out of a Bangkok prison. Think streaks all down the OUTSIDE of the bowl, inside completely pebbledashed, etc. I cleaned it to sparkling perfection and he got in a huff because he felt that I was criticising how he kept the place! (PS that place got cockroaches and we moved out)

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 09-Jan-15 16:11:47

I wouldn't waste your breath telling him again - how many times have you told him already?

YYYY x a million though to only doing your cleaning from now on until you leave.

senua Fri 09-Jan-15 16:13:25

What if it sabotages his next relationship as well - do I owe it to him to give him a heads-up?

His next relationship is his problem, not yours. You are still in 'couple mode' but in a while you won't worry.
It is very altruistic to care but, for your own sanity, you need to start to move on.

pilates Fri 09-Jan-15 16:13:46

I wouldn't bother either, you only have a matter of days before leaving. Not your problem any more.

AnnieLobeseder Fri 09-Jan-15 16:17:34

I'd be less concerned about him and more concerned for the next skivvy he gets in. But if he truly thinks that his partner is there to clean for him, you telling him you disagree won't change his mind.

But seriously, why did you still move in with him when it was obvious he had NO CLUE about cleaning? Is it possible he was waiting for you to move in and deal with it?

Maybe he'll die of some filth-related disease once you're gone.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 09-Jan-15 16:22:52

If you can take it outside of the context of your relationship and into a for your future reference. Meaning no recriminations, but factually stating 'Listen, it doesn't matter to me anymore if you want to be a pig messy, fine, your choice. But if somewhere down the line you'd like to marry or cohabit you need to know that that lifestyle will probably affect your ability to get and keep a partner.'

But if you plan to just rehash your unhappiness (completely justified btw) then I wouldn't bother. He didn't listen before, he won't listen now.

ouryve Fri 09-Jan-15 16:33:43

He might have a flash back and remember all the times you've asked him to pull his weight a bit more. He might even click that that was one of the things that you weren't moving forward together on. He might never learn, even if you spell it out again, for him, though.

You, OTOH, will hopefully have learnt never to move in with someone who hasn't demonstrated that he can keep a home reasonably clean and tidy without being nagged about it. grin

Jill2015 Fri 09-Jan-15 16:37:16

No, walk away. You have pointed it out often enough.

ImperialBlether Fri 09-Jan-15 16:39:56

Why the hell did you clean that toilet? He was telling you - showing you - what a pig he was. Why didn't you take any notice?

BarbarianMum Fri 09-Jan-15 16:43:03

So he showed you really, really clearly that he was a complete filthy slob and you moved in with him anyway, then got upset cause he didn't change.

I don't blame you for leaving but honestly, what were you thinking?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Fri 09-Jan-15 16:44:36

I think it would be better talking to a brick wall.

I do think that some people just don't care about the place they live in.

Do you have children, if so then I would not allow the child to go into a Heath hazard he calls home. Contact would have to be somewhere else.

Bonsoir Fri 09-Jan-15 16:45:17

Just leave it. It's not your business to bring up ex boyfriends.

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