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not to go along with exh lie?

(62 Posts)
Chatatouillez Thu 08-Jan-15 18:30:30

I'm pregnant with dc2. I have a 5yo ds conceived through ivf when married to exh. We had two frozen embryos from that ivf cycle, so post divorce exh and I agreed i could use them, I'd have residence of any resulting child and exh would have his weekly time with them same as ds.

So now I'm pregnant and exh has said he's going to tell his parents it was a natural miracle pregnancy after we started seeing each other a few months ago hmm needless to say we haven't done anything of the sort, though we are happy and amicable in our relationship.

Aibu to be annoyed by this lie? Baby wasn't an accident, baby was planned and exmil is bound to say about it when she visits baby. Exh says his parents will brand us 'stupid' and weird for doing this, but why should I have to lie about our baby? Exh is 40, you'd think he would be able to speak the truth and not be ashamed of his child. Fwiw he won't be paying any child maintenance for this baby so I will be working to support both children, though he does pay towards dc1. Im not complaining about that, just saying as it's not like I've gone to him for money.

Blackout234 Thu 08-Jan-15 18:46:02

I Don't even know what to say :S
fwiw its uncommon (to say the least) For someone to go through ivf with an ex partner, i'd probably go along with it to avoid explanation but no one can tell you what to do about this.

FightOrFlight Thu 08-Jan-15 18:49:03

I'm with MIL on this one.

Jessica85 Thu 08-Jan-15 18:49:56

If you go along with the lie, does that mean you'll also have to lie to your dcs about how they were conceived when they are older?

I wouldn't really care what an exdp told his parents, but I wouldn't want to lie to dc.

Jessica85 Thu 08-Jan-15 18:52:33

FWIW I really don't think it matters what mil thinks, your baby will be loved and have a relationship with both parents - that's the bit that counts.

Bogeyface Thu 08-Jan-15 18:53:51

I wouldnt lie.

And why isnt he paying CM? He agreed to have a child and children cost money. He has as much a responsibility to this child as he does your eldest, regardless of how or when it was conceived.

waithorse Thu 08-Jan-15 18:56:36

Why isn't he paying CM for his child ?

noitsbecky Thu 08-Jan-15 19:03:42

I wouldn't lie. Sod it, he's an adult who made a choice.

WooWooOwl Thu 08-Jan-15 19:11:01

Why won't he pay maintenance? Was that a condition of him allowing you to use the embryos or something?

Tbh I can see why he'd rather avoid the reaction from his mother. Once it's done it's done, it will all be over with by the time the baby's born and your ex could just tell how mum not to question you on it.

Maybe this is one of those times where you should pick your battles. It's often said on here that each half of a couple should deal with the difficulties arising from their side of the family, and i think this is one of those times, especially as you aren't together. It should be up to him how he handles his own parents.

Chatatouillez Thu 08-Jan-15 19:24:57

Fightorflight these embryos were created whilst we were married and we're frozen for future use. After the divorce there was the choice of transferring them to my uterus in the hope of another child or letting them die.

I'm a good parent and can provide a loving, stable home, so why am I stupid to have my child?

Ex does pay maintenance for dc1 but he said he wouldn't/couldn't for dc2 which is fine by me as I'm happy to provide for both children and money is not an issue. I dislike being asked to lie though, I will invite ex mil when baby is born and she's bound to bring it up! Aside from anything else dc2 is a twin of dc1.

WooWooOwl Thu 08-Jan-15 19:27:49

Is she really that bad that she will bring it up if she's asked not to? She must be a pretty difficult person if she goes about questioning people on the circumstances surrounding conception when she's visiting new babies.

Chatatouillez Thu 08-Jan-15 19:32:32

Woowoo asking her not to mention it is a good idea, it may work. She used to be obsessed with my fertility and ivf though so it wouldn't surprise me if she made a comment along the lines of it being a miracle conception. She knows I have no fallopian tubes so I'm not sure she'll buy it tbh grin

IdontusuallyNC Thu 08-Jan-15 19:34:43

Will he have PR of the new baby or are you both considering it a none penetrative sex clinic conception outside of your marriage,so in essence your ex is just a formal donor?

KnackeredMerrily Thu 08-Jan-15 19:36:26

I think it's a good idea and nice you could work it out with your ex.

I can understand his wanting to lie. Tricky!

MinceSpy Thu 08-Jan-15 19:46:14

So he gets to claim the glory but doesn't have to financially support his miracle? I wouldn't lie its unfair on both children.

MagpieCursedTea Thu 08-Jan-15 19:47:11

If she knows you don't have Fallopian tubes, she'll probably figure it out herself anyway!
Congratulations on your pregnancy OP thanks

RandomMess Thu 08-Jan-15 19:52:24

I think you need to point out to your exdh that the dc need to know the truth therefore lying to MIL is just going to cause problems! Perhaps just tell MMIL it's not up for discussion.

noitsbecky Thu 08-Jan-15 19:54:58

Does XDH know that women need fallopian tubes to get pregnant naturally?

Chatatouillez Thu 08-Jan-15 19:57:28

Thank you for the congrats! He will have pr, tbh the maintenance he pays will be considered as towards both dc rather than only dc1, he's not giving preferential treatment towards one child. I will be financially supporting the children financially.

I suppose I've been up front in telling people how my pregnancy came about, whereas exh seems less comfortable even though he's very happy about it.

Bogeyface Thu 08-Jan-15 20:00:07

So he cant or wont pay CM but expects full access right etc to this child? Talk about having it all!

I can understand why you had this child, presumably it is your only realistic chance of having another baby, what I dont get is why you agreed to him not contributing.

Its not ok if you can afford it alone, thats not the point. The point is that he agreed to be a father of 2 children and with that comes not only the right to be a father of 2 children but the responsibility of being a father to 2 children. Seems he wants all of fun of being Daddy but none of the cost.

WooWooOwl Thu 08-Jan-15 20:03:08

Ok, if she knows you don't have Fallopian tubes then that kind of increases the intensity of the lie somewhat!

Maybe it would be better just to tell her the truth firmly and confidently, giving the impression that it's not up for discussion because you are both very happy.

Fwiw - I can totally see why you'd choose to do things this way. I get on well with my ex, and if we'd wanted more children after we'd split, we would have done similar. If you know you work well together as parents and you know you want more children, it makes perfect sense.

RandomMess Thu 08-Jan-15 20:05:19

Perhaps her Ex already pays above & beyond the CMS guide for 1 child, possible even 2 hence not increasing it!!!

That is a decision between the 2 of them, ultimately the op could go via CMS if she chose to regardless of what they have agreed. Personally I'd rather he was a proper involved Dad with both of them than upped the maintenance and took no interest.

Bogeyface Thu 08-Jan-15 20:08:10

Perhaps her Ex already pays above & beyond the CMS guide for 1 child, possible even 2 hence not increasing it!!!

And? Paying above and beyond CMS limits does not make a man a hero! Resident parents pay above CMS limits to keep their children every day, if he cant afford to pay for another child then he shouldnt have agreed to have one. And lets face it, what are the chances that he is currently paying above the required minimum for 2 children, really?

notauniquename Thu 08-Jan-15 20:28:59

what are the chances that he is currently paying above the required minimum for 2 children, really? Why is that so unlikely?

chillybits Thu 08-Jan-15 20:29:26

Most children are conceived when neither adult has taken responsibility for contraception, therefore its perfectly right that men should be responsible for the financial consequences. This is not the same, there has been no accident or relationship breakdown following the 'conception'. The OP wants to use the embryos and needs her ex's permission.

I think he would have been within his rights to say no if he was expected to financially support the baby, and the OP has decided having a baby is more important than money to her. Fair enough.

Financial implications are a big part of lots of people's decision whether to have a child or not. One of my pregnancy's was unplanned and financially the timing was terrible. DH wanted us to consider termination. Was no issue when I said no but he definitely would have said no if he was the OPs ex. Would those saying he should play child support prefer that he refused to allow the embryos to be used and deny the OP the opportunity of another child? Interesting debate

Op, I think you're right and honesty is almost always the best policy.

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