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To think my friend should not have snatched a toy from dd?

(55 Posts)
squishinglittlefatcheeks Tue 06-Jan-15 20:19:22

I was at my friends house and both her dd (22mth) and mine (20mth) were playing alongside each other nicely. Friend's dd started playing with a kitchen set - mainly a saucepan in which she had cooked 'food' and was emptying some of the food onto 2 plates.
My dd loves kitchen sets. She wanted one of the plates which I thought was fine so I asked friend's dd if my dd could have a plate and then allowed her to take one. At which point friend's dd started getting upset (tears) and my friend literally tugged the plate out of my dd's hand to give back to her daughter. My instinct was to stop my friend as I found this quite upsetting for my dd.
Of course my dd was upset. I distracted her with other bits of the kitchen set. My friend later said to me her dd had recently spent a lot of time with a family member's child who snatched from her a lot and now my friend is trying to teach her dd not to just give up her toys if another child takes it.
I agree with not letting another child take a toy if the first child is playing with it. But in this situation I can't see that this was applicable - my dd wasn't taking her toy, she just wanted one plate. In my mind this is sharing a toy. In the reverse situation I would have explained to dd that she can have the saucepan and one plate and let her friend share the other plate.

So AIBU to be annoyed that my friend tugged this toy out of my dd's hand? And if I am NBU then how would you tackle this situation (bearing in mind this is a friend whose house I am at, playing with her daughter's toy)?

usualsuspect333 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:23:35

I think this will happen a lot and you shouldn't stress over it.

LadyLuck10 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:25:34

Yabu. You can't make a mountain out of everything. Just let it go.

Discopanda Tue 06-Jan-15 20:29:12

It'll backfire on her in the long run if she doesn't encourage her child to share.

mikado1 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:32:14

YANBU she will have to leave her dd figure out for herself to hold on tight if it's snatched-not that your dd even took iI know! ! Tbh at that age ideally if the other child not bothered I would leave them work away with taking and step in re turns etc if someone upset/hurt. She would be better telling her dd your dd had it and she could have it when finished and then guve her something instead. My friends have the opposite problem-trying to outdo one another stopping our own dc from grabbing etc!!

Andro Tue 06-Jan-15 20:33:42

No adult should be snatching anything from a child unless there is danger involved - it's modelling very poor behaviour.

I'd probably not say anything this time, but I would try to arrange to meet away from either house for a while.

CrapBag Tue 06-Jan-15 20:34:16

YABU.

Yours friends dd was playing with both plates regardless of whether your dd wanted one. Your friend perhaps shouldn't have tugged it out of her hand (this is not snatching btw) but this constant forced sharing when a child is actually playing with something really pisses me off.

A friend of mine comes to mine with her ds who is a year younger than mine. He constantly, and I do mean constantly wants absolutely everything that my child picks up. My child will often give it up and get something else only for him to immediately want that too. His mother just says "share, 3 minutes and you can have it" which annoys me and my ds. When a child is playing with something I don't see why they should have to give it up every time another child decides they want it.

olympicsrock Tue 06-Jan-15 20:35:01

Yanbu. She should be encouraging sharing. We parrot 'sharing is what it's all about' . At times like this.. . I think k your friend was wrong to encourage snatching.

UngratefulMoo Tue 06-Jan-15 20:35:46

YANBU. But there's no point getting upset about it or turning it into an issue with your friend. This is a very sensitive area and everyone approaches it slightly differently. That difference of approach is also part of the learning process for your DD.

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup Tue 06-Jan-15 20:37:27

Offer your friend a cake and then snatch it back. grin

Crockershite Tue 06-Jan-15 20:38:47

You will have to get used to this kind of thing if you want to remain friends with other parents. Children can feel disappointed from time to time, it's life. IMHO it's unhelpful to demonstrate to our children that as their parent, you will step in all the time, they need to learn, asides from hurting each other of course.

mikado1 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:40:39

Agree with you crapbag re forced sharing but I think turn taking is a comoromise ie 'When he's finished. . ' whenever that may be.. very normal they go for what the other has-it's called the 'hot object'-really it's all interaction though it might seem negative. . They're just learning. Some parents expect tgeir dc to immediately hand over whatever they have immediately if someone else wants it-don't agree with that.

ZenNudist Tue 06-Jan-15 20:42:38

I think it's not worth worrying about. In your shoes if have been telling my dd "no don't take the plate other dd is playing with it". I'd expect the little girl to start offering plates to you, your dd, her mum etc anyway for you to 'eat'. If your friend was reasonable she would have been encouraging her daughter to share. I certainly wouldn't wrestle a toy of a toddler. But hey, just smile and judge silently.

Crockershite Tue 06-Jan-15 20:42:41

And I agree with crapbag. The toys belonged to the friends dd. Ownership often wins, in this house at least, when arguing starts.

crumblebumblebee Tue 06-Jan-15 20:45:41

I think YANBU actually but agree that this will be the first time of many incidents, so just let it go.

HedgehogsDontBite Tue 06-Jan-15 20:45:43

Sorry I don't get it at all. You took something off her daughter, which belonged to her and which she was playing with because your daughter wanted to play with it, and that's ok. But it's not ok for her mother to take it off your child and give it back. confused

Fairenuff Tue 06-Jan-15 20:49:38

I think at that age if a child is already playing with it you can't ask for it OP. But once they lose interest and move on to something else, you could then give it to your dd. So I think yabu in this instance.

ImBatDog Tue 06-Jan-15 20:51:35

so you basically decided that because your dd demanded one of her friends toys, that she was playing with, that she should have it and your friends DD's feelings didnt matter?

Why is it fair that she should have to give up something she is playing with to placate your dds demands? They're not your dds toys.

Yes, children need to learn to share, but they also have a right NOT to share something if they're playing with it.

Perhaps your dd should learn about waiting her turn?

ChocLover2015 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:52:12

.You could see your friends DD was playing with both plates and yet you took a plate off her.I think you were in the wrong really, and I can see why your friend was a bit shock and took the plate back

LadyLuck10 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:52:27

I agree with crabag too. She might not have been playing with both plates but it's obvious that both plates were part of her saucepan/plate game. You should have suggested something else for your dd.
It's not worth making an issue and getting worked up over.

ImBatDog Tue 06-Jan-15 20:54:56

oh, and i would also interject that at 18mo-2yo children don't really get 'sharing' at most you will find they might play alongside each other with toys like that, but sharing and understanding the concept of both playing with it at the same time doesn't really compute.

What you actually did, was remove a toy your friends child was playing with and give it to your daughter, and your friend took it back.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 06-Jan-15 20:56:17

You took the toy from her daughter to start with?

WineWineWine Tue 06-Jan-15 20:56:40

This is going to happen a lot. It takes a long time for children to learn to share and negotiate with others. Don't lose friends over it. You're all worrying about your own children.

Scatlett4456 Tue 06-Jan-15 20:56:42

I think sharing is over rated.

What it really means is, your enjoying playing with omething, then some other child appears and you ave to give them your toy....

Bit shit really.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Tue 06-Jan-15 20:57:39

I think you should have got in first and said to your DD that she needed to give it back to x because she was still playing with it, then distracted her.

However, I think your friend should have encouraged her DD to share or your DD to hand it back. She certainly should not have taken it off your DD in the way she did.

When they are very small I allow a couple of special toys (usually their teddy plus toy of the moment) to be 'special' and not have to be shared if they don't want to, but other than that, while there are people visiting all the toys are there to be played with. Not dictated by the occupants of the house. On the other hand if we are 'the visitors' I do allow the 'at home' child to have the toy if they aren't prepared to share.

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