To want to start ttc in these circumstances?(45 Posts)
I've name changed as I know I'm being ridiculously unreasonable but I need you lovely, straight-talking lot to slap me back into reality. Apologies this is long, I don't want to drip feed.
DP and I are getting married in December and are trying to delay ttc until after the wedding. But I'm sooo broody and so is he. Part of me just wants to say sod it, let's start ttc and if it happens long before the wedding, we'll just move the wedding forward - the money is already in a savings account so it's not like we don't have the money. It's not just me who has these thoughts, DP feels the same. DP has a son who's 5 who I love to bits and we both dislike there's an ever increasing age ago between him and our future DCs.
I'm currently doing a masters which leads straight into a phd - grade permitting obviously. I think it'd be so much easier being pregnant now and taking maternity leave before I start the phd or shortly after I've started before I fully get into things rather than further along. I worry that if we wait until we're married I'll have to take maternity leave when pregnant and have less time with baby as my phd is in the sciences. My research council is such that I get paid 6 months full pay and then can have up to 6 months unpaid too with the option of going part time.
But the problem is, (or more accurately are) we live in a tiny flat and would struggle to fit baby's stuff in too so would need to move beforehand. DP works (very) part time, is looking for more work but is yet to find anything and he's also in college. He's currently torn between going to uni in September or finding a more full time job. If he goes to uni there's always the option of OU. We can't drive which makes picking up DSS difficult enough let alone trying to get around with a newborn too. In theory I could learn when ttc / pregnant - I say I rather than DP because I've already had several lessons (about 20hrs I think) whereas DP would be starting from scratch and so it would cost more. But at same time it would be far easier financially to learn before wedding then we have however long it takes to ttc plus 9 months to save up more for baby.
I suppose the most important reason for delaying ttc is the fact I'm on anti-depressants. However, part of me thinks I'll still be on them come the wedding - I've been on and off them for the last 4 years so it's probably wishful thinking saying I'll be totally off them come the end of this year.
Sorry this is so long. I think I just need someone to tell me just how unreasonable I'm being tbh! Being broody sucks when it's better not to act on it - as I'm sure many of you are all too aware of.
Op, how old are you/ your dp? I think this is important to know before commenting on your situation.
Sorry, probably should've said in the OP. We're both 24.
Honesty I mean
Especially as dp already has a 5 year old
You really shouldn't conceive whilst on anti depressants. My GP adviced this and was absolutely right to do so. Make sure you are off them when you do try and because of your history, you really really should make sure you go to your GP for advice and support before TTC.
Yes, how old are you? Under 30, I would wait until you're both a bit more stable. A baby is BEAUTIFUL but you really haven't tasted stress until you've had a baby. It is the best thing ever but it is hard, hard work and you will have very little 'you' time. You really need to know that goals, dreams, ambitions absolutely fall by the wayside when you have little ones. They go on hiatus. Could you handle this?
I'd say go for it but only when one of you has a decent wage coming in.
If the money is there, why not get married now? Saves you running the risk of being in the labour ward on your wedding day.
I would say no, not at all.
Why doesn't your partner have a proper job?
What if you cannot go back to work? Who will pay for things?
He sounds like a freeloader and you sound like a fool.
Wait until you are married, have done your PhD and can concentrate.
For goodness sake.
Goals and ambition don't have to fall by the wayside do they? Be realistic of course but not pessimistic.
I also don't think their age matters at all, I was 24 when I got pregnant with my eldest and if anything I wish if done it as soon as I'd finished Uni rather than wait a couple of years.
Talk to your GP re medication too.
Imo you're still both young enough to but children on holiday hold for a while longer. Get married as planned and then see how things are. In the meantime learn to drive and your DP should decide what he's going to do work/study wise.
Opposite to Esiotrot (I guess that makes me tortoise!)
I'd wait until you have a bit more space, at least one of you is in full time work and you can drive.
If that is before the wedding then great! If not, then it does make life simpler if you get married before you have kids.
Just a thought but you don't seem that bothered about having a"perfect" wedding day. Could you bring the wedding forward, do it very simply and use the extra money to help with Plan Baby.
Also do you want to have just given birth right before you marry? Consider your timing. Maybe move your wedding up to summer?? If you're both broody as anything, chances are you'll get pregnant if he breathes on you.
I think you should wait. Get married, sort out your jobs / future / housing and then bring children into the mix. It's easy to say you will just come off the anti depressants but it isn't easy...............
I would wait until one of you has a stable job tbh.
Re being on ADs when ttc - go to your gp and just make sure you're on something that is safe. Fwiw they switched me from citalopram to fluoxetine whilst ttc and will be on this until stopping breastfeeding (although the obstetrician says that citalopram is fine in pregnancy, not so great when BF). So this isn't necessarily something that is a barrier.
I think you have plenty of time. Children are wonderful, but do take a lot of time, money etc. In your position, I would get married, complete your studies, learn to drive and work first.
RE the PhD, I'm 19 weeks pregnant and in the third year of my PhD. I'm in the arts/social sciences, but my supervisor's advice was to wait until I'd finished my data collection before having a baby (yes, I discussed TTC with my supervisor!) though you do then have the problem of your data being quite old by the time you finish - this isn't such an issue in my field, though might be for you.
I'm research council funded too, and figured the maternity leave was worth taking advantage of!
Sounds like you've got a complicated set of circumstances apart from the PhD, so I would say there's nothing wrong with taking a couple of years to try sort some of that & be pregnant/taking leave nearer the end of your PhD - remember it's damn tough going doing a PhD, and FWIW I would say the more you can get under your belt without a baby in tow, the better!
Thanks all for your answers. Tbh I was expecting more people to say I'm BU.
To answer some of the points brought up, neither of us really give two hoots about the actual day - it's the marriage that's important to us, not the wedding day. DP doesn't have a full time job because despite his best efforts he's just not getting anywhere. I do see your point about waiting until one of us is at least earning a full time wage though. Tbh post doc would be worse for me as the contracts are so temporary I'd be hard pushed finding something I can guarantee getting maternity pay and a job I can go back to - so during phd is definitely a better option - plus phd gives option of part time whereas postdoc doesn't generally.
Thanks perpetualstudent - I appreciate hearing from someone who's gone down the route of ttc whilst studying. It's not something I could discuss with my supervisor - he's rather awkward about discussing anything that's not to do with work tbh. Purely from a phd point of view, old data is useless in my field and so it would be better to take leave now (or in next year) - but obviously that's not the only consideration.
PS, I've had a massive house renovation/move in the mix this year, as well as getting engaged and I would say I've found it too much - for me, the PhD and pregnancy took up my headspace and anything else felt like a hassle. I've had MH issues in the past too and it's definitely been a challenging year on that front.
now projecting massively
For those saying finish your studies, it's a fair point, but also worth pointing out a research council-funded PhD is much more like a job, your fees are paid and you get a monthly stipend (and depending on your field/department, probably an office and proper working hours etc). Plus, as OP's said, there's a generous maternity leave option of 6 months on full 'pay' - I've found my uni to be very supportive of the process so far (though of course, that can vary massively)
Sorry, cross posted! I agree that the post-doc world is a lot more unstable - this was my thinking too. I'm 28 now, not ancient, but figured by the time PhD was finished and I'd gone through the post doc mill (short term, usually part time, research positions, for the uninitiated) I could easily be creeping towards mid-30s before being in a position to take a break for a baby (not that mid-30s is 'too late'! I just fall into the 'crazily broody' camp also)
Neither of you have a stable income, less than perfect living arrangements, you have health issues and are only 24 what is the hurry?
I assume you have plans in place for the wedding why throw those out the window?
I agree with others who suggest that you should wait until one of you has a stable income/can drive before TTC.
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