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AIBU?

17 yr Olds

54 replies

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 21:10

I work with teenagers so am pretty familiar with their psyche/what they get up to etc (and used to be a drugs worker - this is relevant).

Although with DS1 (who is now 17 and in yr 12 - first yr of college) it's the first time I've had my own 17 yr old.

He is normally lovely, polite, kind and caring. He has however always been extremely lazy laid back.

He could have done well at school but managed 3 GCSE's above a C and didn't get into 6th form so is doing a p/to course at college.

He had a job in retail which he hated and kept ringing in sick etc (was weekends and said it ruined his social life ) so now has a p/t job in a fast food place - fine.

He's out and about with all his mates and often doesn't let me know if he needs to eat (forgets the rule dinner is at 6.30 if you don't let me know you don't get any) and all he is interested in is going to gigs, smoking weed and going to parties.

Having kept a tight leash on him during school to produce very poor results I am trying to give him a bit of freedom.

What has pissed me off tonight is that he does fuck all the bare minimum around the house (I work full time and my partner not his dad in forces) and he's on FB moaning in the most appalling English how bored he's going to be on his day off college tomorrow. I have pulled him up on this (not the English) and he was really rude to me and told me to stop stalking him on FB.

Please tell me what rules/boundaries you have for your 17 yr olds am I or is he BU?

I want him to be free but to continue to respect me and the boundaries here (he is eldest of 3 and OH also has 3 DC).

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Weathergames · 05/01/2015 21:13

Sorry and also bragging about how pleased he is he has left school. Feel mortified he feels so proud if himself (all his GPs on his FB and my ex in laws hate me

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simbacatlivesagain · 05/01/2015 21:45

Never have your offspring as contacts on any kind of social media- especially Facebook. You just don't need to know- end of.

RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:11

I've never have my teenage girls as FB or Twitter contactsthey blocked me anyway. I don't want them to know what I'm up to, I don't want to know what they're up to either (they're late teenagers).
Having said that; your house, your rules. Threaten him with throwing him out if he doesn't pull his socks up by any means, but be prepared to follow up with it.

RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:12

Oh for an edit function!

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:14

How do you monitor whether they are being safe if you aren't their friend on FB? (Obvs he is a little old at 17 to need monitoring - he has the entire family on there so would rather know what he's up to rather than having my mother/sister tell me).

Think throwing him out would be a little harsh he's hardly warranted that

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simbacatlivesagain · 05/01/2015 22:16

How do you monitor whether they are being safe if you aren't their friend on FB?

You talk to them and interact in real life?

RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:18

How did we manage to monitor kids before Facebook? Talking to them, I suppose.

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:18

Yes of course you do - but you also need to ensure 14/15 yr olds are being safe online - as they are all online whether you know about it or not.

The FB thing wasn't really the issue here anyway.

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Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:19

I meant monitor their online activity not monitor them per say.

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RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:19

Yes, throwing him out would be very harsh. I have a friend with a son just like this though, drives her mad.

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:21

The recent rudeness has really pissed me off.

And the rather entitled attitude.

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RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:21

FB just the tip of the iceberg! Unless you monitor Snapchat, Whatsapp and the rest, you really don't have a clue what they're doing online. They generally need the stay safe online chat occasionally.

ssd · 05/01/2015 22:23

but talking to them isnt the answer if they dont tell the whole truth about fb, and most wouldnt

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:24

I cooked for a load of his mates (they seem to gather at various houses to be fed and it was my turn) and he glared at me (at my own dinner table) anytime he thought I might say something embarrassing.

In the morning they left all their breakfast dishes BESIDE the empty dishwasher and he was very rude to me when insisted he came back and put them in the dishwasher.

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RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:25

They can always tinker with their FB privacy settings on a post by post basis, so you can only see what they want you see.

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:26

FB/Social media isn't the issue here I am very clued up on it as part of my job and we discuss sex, drugs etc as openly as a mum and her 17 yr old son can. I have given him
Condoms etc.

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RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:27

He does sound like your usual, grotty, entitled teenager. They all have their moments. If you want to change his behaviour, you can discuss it calmly, bribe him, or threaten him with something!

Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:29

Maybe I was smugly thinking at 17 I had bypassed that bit!!

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simbacatlivesagain · 05/01/2015 22:29

but talking to them isnt the answer if they dont tell the whole truth about fb, and most wouldnt

Why wouldn't they. Discuss internet safety from an early age. Talk about relationships with them. We have never had any kind of parental controls as the best control is knowing the risks and making the right choices.

CyclopsBee · 05/01/2015 22:30

My 17 year old DS has become very sulky and rude since leaving yr 11, has a gf but mopes around the house, will help if I ask nag him but loves to sleep
Cant remember DD's being this solemn, but I think the girls were worse at an earlier age,say 13/14
Ive put it down to hormones for the time being.
Oh and dont get involved with social media,you wont like what you find!

RandomNPC · 05/01/2015 22:33

They're still kids inside, even the big scary ones. They still need parenting and guidelines.
Incidentally, and this is no way aimed at you, more a general aside; my ex wife treated them as friends, not her kids, when they were younger. When she tries to parent them now, they tend to ignore her. I think they prefer my more parental, grumpy style really! They certainly respond to it better.

LuckyLuckyMe · 05/01/2015 22:34

Rudeness of course shouldn't be tolerated but showing off to his friends on fb would be normal in a 17 year old wouldn't it?

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Weathergames · 05/01/2015 22:34

simbathecatlivesagain I agree and I went to a conference where Professor Andy Phippen did a presentation saying as much.

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simbacatlivesagain · 05/01/2015 22:35

17 year old boys are like 15 year old girls- a &&&&&& pain. They are mixed up , confused, still going through extended puberty etc etc

Mine doesn't put stuff in the dishwasher. His room is a carp heap- but it is his room and his responsibility. I alternate between the best and worst mother in the world. he pats me on the head (yes I know you are 6 feet tall and I am a titch).

What does your son want to do in life? 17 isnt too old to go back and study more. What course is he doing?

Angelto5 · 05/01/2015 22:36

Even though he is 17 I would give him free reign.
Maybe change the password on the wifi till he can help around the house?
Refuse to wash his clothes,feed him & his mates unless he shows respect in your house by helping with the daily running of the house.
Does he pay room & board?

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