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Iwbu, feeling terrible about letting dd down [sad]

(71 Posts)
Mintyy Mon 05-Jan-15 19:52:48

Mil and I rub along ok although we have nothing whatsoever in common, apart from loving her ds/my dh.

We were there at Christmas for three days. Dh and I helped with a lot of food prep and washing up, but Mil only asked the children for help twice. One time was to lay the table for Christmas dinner and the other time was on Boxing Day when she asked one of the children to help her make a crumble for pudding.

We have a dd and a ds, and mil specifically asked (as in by name) dd to help on both those occasions.

I feel SHIT that I didn't challenge her on this!!

Its ok, Iabu, I do know. Am just having a vent.

FlouncyMcFlouncer Mon 05-Jan-15 19:54:53

I'm very puzzled.

HolyTerror Mon 05-Jan-15 19:56:30

Nothing unreasonable about feeling annoyed if you think it's the thin end of the 'girls should bustle about in pinnies in the kitchen while the men sit in lordly leisure in front of the TV' wedge. Does she also refer to your husband 'helping out' with domestic chores, and 'babysitting' his own children?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Mon 05-Jan-15 19:57:04

It would have got on my nerves, DS loves baking and cooking with me and I would hate for him to be singled out because he is a boy.

Bowlersarm Mon 05-Jan-15 19:57:25

Maybe she wanted to spend time with your dd?

Littlef00t Mon 05-Jan-15 19:57:57

Well laying the table I would consider a chore but making crumble with mil sounds like a treat.

I presume you're worried about mil assuming boys don't do housework, and dd picking up on this, but it could be down to dd age, or she thinks she would be more careful with the cutlery etc.

You've not let her down, but next time if appropriate just say, oh ds can do that.

waitingfor3 Mon 05-Jan-15 19:57:59

She involved them in family meals and this needs a vent? I am missing something here.

makeminea6x Mon 05-Jan-15 19:58:45

It's unconscious isn't it.

The people in my life who think I bang the sexism drum all the time have no idea how often I grind my teeth and keep quiet.

waitingfor3 Mon 05-Jan-15 19:59:35

Oh. Not DS? Is he younger? Is he reluctant? Was she so busy she didn't realise?

editthis Mon 05-Jan-15 19:59:53

Is this because she only asked your daughter to help with kitchen-related duties? If so, YANBU, but (benefit of the doubt?) perhaps your DD was just there at the wrong right time? Maybe lead by example next time, asking both equally for their help in her hearing...

nooyearnooname Mon 05-Jan-15 20:00:00

Next time say something! I spent my childhood totally puzzled why my brother was allowed to go off and play after Sunday lunch while I was forced to wash or dry the dishes with my mum or gran. I didn't think it would still happen in this day and age though, so not surprised you didn't quite know what to do!

anothernumberone Mon 05-Jan-15 20:00:28

If I were there I would have over ruled and asked your ds to join in too. I would not even ask mil.

MsUumellmahaye Mon 05-Jan-15 20:01:47

My friends son told me the other day how he is so happy to be a boy because he will never have to do housework sad

HolyTerror Mon 05-Jan-15 20:02:07

Waiting, she only involved the OP's daughter in chores, not her son. Possibly coincidence or alternatively because of that well-known inability of people with penises to bake or lay tables.

Floggingmolly Mon 05-Jan-15 20:02:09

If she didn't remark on the fact that your DH was involved in food prep / washing up alongside you; what's the issue? Laying the table happened once, you say... If she'd had your dd's nose to the grindstone every day you might have an issue, but once???
Maybe it was as simple as your ds was occupied at the time, and your dd wasn't.

JeanSeberg Mon 05-Jan-15 20:02:14

Sounds like you're looking for a reason to pick a fight with her.

Presumably you give your son equal chores at home so what's the problem? You were only there 3 days.

Feeling SHIT??? Really?

HolyTerror Mon 05-Jan-15 20:03:41

Nooyear, in my house, too. In fairness to my brother, he's now something of a domestic god, and retrospectively horrified at childhood double standards.

slippermaiden Mon 05-Jan-15 20:03:57

You don't say how old they are. If the girl is 7 and the boy is 4 then she took the easy option, and I don't blame her! Personally I think you could also be reading too much into it.

LuluJakey1 Mon 05-Jan-15 20:04:44

Do you mean DD refused and you didn't challenge her?

Or that you feel MIL should not have asked herand you didn't challenge MIL?

If it is the first, I agree you should have challenged DD.

If it is the second, I don't understand your point? MIL probably thought she was being nice to DD asking her to help her with a crmble and setting the table. My gran would have asked. me and it would have made me feel important and grown up and I would have liked it. It certainly wouldn't have turned me into a gurl who thought she could do nothing else or hae made me think helping out was something I shouldn't be asked to do.

I really don't get your point either way.

GlitzAndGigglesx Mon 05-Jan-15 20:05:58

This sounds like nitpicking on your behalf

LIZS Mon 05-Jan-15 20:07:29

Are they old enough to speak for themselves? If dd was willing then don't see your problem. Certainly nothing to reproach yourself for 2 weeks later!

TendonQueen Mon 05-Jan-15 20:07:59

Once won't create unfixable damage. Don't beat yourself up, just challenge it next time.

LuluJakey1 Mon 05-Jan-15 20:08:50

Me andmy cousin, male, went to my gran's every Sunday. He helped my grandad get the coal in and light the fire and I helped set the table. We are. both teachers. We both helped - that was the main thing. I doubt your daughter is damaged by what happened.

QTPie Mon 05-Jan-15 20:09:10

No point feeling crap and guilty about something a couple of weeks ago...

Next time just make sure she involves both kids.

fredfredgeorgejnr Mon 05-Jan-15 20:11:13

I think you let DS down, by excluding him...

but it's a pretty odd so far.

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