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To lie and pretend that I love gifts?

(31 Posts)
Pyjamaramadrama Mon 05-Jan-15 13:38:25

Just wondering what the stance is on gifts that you don't like. Is it better to pretend or is honesty best?

Every year for as long as I can remember I bought dsis an Xmas gift and she's told me that she doesn't like it. I always ask her what she would like or to make a list and ill choose from it. She won't do this as she says that it should be a surprise. She doesn't like receiving money or vouchers as she think that they're thoughtless and lack effort. I try to buy fairly neutral things such as pyjamas in a style and material I've seen her wear. But she'll say that she doesn't like the pattern. Nice branded gift sets, she likes trying different ones but she'll say she didn't like the smell. Tickets to go somewhere let's say cinema, she'll say there's nothing on she wants to see. It's got to a point where I feel quite hurt, but perhaps it's better to be honest.

I get wine every year and I don't drink it, neither does dp, but we don't say anything.

A very elderly relative gave me something recently that was nice, but needed to be refrigerated but he hasn't told me. I decided it was best to just not say anything due to the persons age and not wanting them to know that their thoughtful gift had gone to waste. Dsis was adamant that I should tell relative.

Dawndonnaagain Mon 05-Jan-15 13:40:33

Your dsis sounds like a self absorbed madam. I'd stop buying her anything unless she gives you a list.

ticktactoegivemeago Mon 05-Jan-15 13:41:03

Your sister sounds horrible. What does she get you?

No you should not say anything to your elderly relative.

MythicalKings Mon 05-Jan-15 13:42:36

If you still have the wine start returning it as her presents.

MrsCakesPrecognition Mon 05-Jan-15 13:43:00

Generally, be kind to the giver.
In the case of your sister, I'd be suggesting that perhaps it is time to stop sharing adult presents as it is making you both unhappy.

Pifflepants Mon 05-Jan-15 13:43:29

You are more polite than she is. Especially with the elderly relative.

However you should do the following:
1) tell SIL that you don't drink wine. As a one off you suck it up but this is getting silly, especially given how she treats you.
2) Buy wine for SIL for the foreseeable future.

WhispersOfWickedness Mon 05-Jan-15 13:43:38

No, you shouldn't say anything. I'm not surprised you feel hurt by your sister! I would just get her gift vouchers next time and when she complains, say that she doesn't like anything that you give her, so thought it best if she chooses herself.

JohnCusacksWife Mon 05-Jan-15 13:44:00

Your sister sounds awful. But don't tell your elderly's not his fault you didn't realise his gift needed refrigerated.

Pifflepants Mon 05-Jan-15 13:44:01

Sorry, sis not sil

MarjorieMelon Mon 05-Jan-15 13:44:11

I agree that it's time to stop buying presents for Adults.

OldIrving Mon 05-Jan-15 13:44:12

Your sister sounds horrible. Telling someone their gift had gone to waste because it needed to be refrigerated is just spiteful.

Just give your sister the wine she gives you(?) back next year.

AnnieLobeseder Mon 05-Jan-15 13:44:21

My DH was like your DSIS - found something to complain about no matter what I got him. Then one year I got him one of those Oxfam goat sponsorships. I told him that if he was always going to be ungrateful for his gifts, I would get him a gift that someone else would be grateful for.

He has been somewhat more grateful for his gifts since! grin

Pyjamaramadrama Mon 05-Jan-15 13:44:51

Dsis does always make an effort to buy thoughtful gifts and wraps them beautifully. She buys all throughout the year. I've had lovely gifts and ones I've been less keen on but I always pretend.

WooWooOwl Mon 05-Jan-15 13:46:44

Your dsis is rude.

Surely everyone gets gifts they don't like ocassionally, and just says thank you politely?

Theas18 Mon 05-Jan-15 13:48:50

The only answer is keep the wine and re gift it to her next year surely ! If she asks say " well I'm afraid we don't drink wine, never have and never will but as you carefully chose this for Us I assumed it was something you rather liked yourself, after all I wouldn't dream if giving a gift I wouldn't love to receive myself"

Or an oxfam goat as pp said

Pifflepants Mon 05-Jan-15 13:49:59

Ah sorry, I misread it that she gives you wine.

I do think you're in the right and your sister is rude, but you need some way of limiting the angst she is giving you!

5Foot5 Mon 05-Jan-15 13:50:04

Yuor DSis sounds very hard work. I really like AnnieLobeseders suggestion!

Pyjamaramadrama Mon 05-Jan-15 13:50:32

Sorry if I misled it's not dsis who buys the wine it's other people, let's say neighbours, work colleagues, but I haven't the heart to tell them that I don't drink it so I just use it for cooking or pass it on.

PumpkinPie2013 Mon 05-Jan-15 13:53:28

I'd stop buying her anything, ungrateful madam!

Pyjamaramadrama Mon 05-Jan-15 13:54:31

I don't think she's being intentionally mean I think she's in a bit of a bubble and think that it's better to be honest. I wouldn't mind and would be happy to exchange gifts too buy it gets tiring when it's every year.

5Foot5 Mon 05-Jan-15 13:57:16

I have a slightly similar situation. I used to like brandy so my PILs would buy me a bottle for Christmas and/or birthday. These days I hardly touch spirits (well apart from the occasional G&T obviously) but they still buy me the brandy. I don't like to say anything so I always make sure I open it while they are here for at least one glass - then it goes in the cupboard. I went to put this years away and last year's is still there virtually untouched.Arggh!

Once they were coming to stay for the weekend and were due to arrive before I got home from work, teenage DD was to let them in. During the day I remembered the most recent brandy was still sitting untouched on the dresser in the living room so I had to send an urgent text to DD asking her to hide the brandy!

I know it is pathetic and I should say something but TBH these days they are very elderly and if I did mention it they would probably forget the next time they needed to get me a gift!

AMumInScotland Mon 05-Jan-15 13:58:42

If she values 'being honest' then be honest back at her. Tell her that you have tried hard to get presents she will like, but nothing ever seems to be right for her. Tell her that next year she should either give you a list or you will give her money/vouchers as it is getting silly to keep trying when nothing you do is ever good enough for her.

If she really thinks honesty is the best thing, she'll thank you for it.... otherwise, maybe you could point out that 'honesty' and 'hurtful' have a lot in common.

squoosh Mon 05-Jan-15 13:58:53

You should only tell someone (tactfully) that you don't like a present if it's someone very close to you who will notice if you don't wear/eat/use said present.

Neighbours giving you wine even though you don't drink wine? Don't dream of saying anything other than 'That's so kind, thank you'. So no, definitely don't tell the elderly relative about the unrefrigerated gift.

Tell your sister that she can either write a list for next year or you'll buy her a Cliff Richard 2016 calendar. Her decision.

ZammoMcGuire Mon 05-Jan-15 13:59:16

one can always regift.

MarjorieMelon Mon 05-Jan-15 14:00:56

My mum buys me a cafetiere every year. I love coffee but my cafetiere's seem to last forever so I don't need a new one. I haven't got the heart to tell her so I have 5 different cafetiere's on my work top and I use a different one each day.

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