To go against DP's wishes regarding my hobby/sport?

[FfingFreezin]

A few years back I trained in karate. Got quite high up the belts and then quit as my arsehole partner at the time got all jealous, insisted that the instructor fancied me, made it not worth the hassle going etc.

We split up (thank fuck) but I never did go back to karate and have regretted it ever since.

I'm now with another man, lovely on the most part, been together almost 3 years. He's always supportive of me going on nights outs and always encourages me to socialise, even offering to pick me up, drop me off, take my friends home etc etc.

So when I mentioned going back to karate I didn't think it would be an issue for him. He wasn't keen however saying that as we both work full time etc we'd never see each other - especially if I got all involved with the organisation like I did last time (officials courses, first aids, competitions, ferrying kids back and forth and basically babysitting at public events). I assured him that this time it would be a case of twice a week training, 4 hours a week max. He eventually agreed.

Since I went back however (to a different club) he's got all funny about it saying that I'm getting too involved again and that the instructor is too pushy with me and "seems to have other motives" I have always brushed it off but this wasn't helped last night when, after recovering from a rather steamy sex sesh DP and I were laid in bed at 11.45pm and karate instructor sent me a message (which came to my phone) asking when I'd next be training. It was a facebook message and I honestly don't think he realised it would come to my phone but anyway DP went mad saying that just proves it and now he doesn't support it at all. Awkward thing is I want to go tonight but DP is still pissed off.

What do you reckon, is it me being out of order here? I don't want to upset DP but I don't want to quit again either.

[IhadsexwithanelfinIceland]

The thing is, that it should only matter what your intentions are. You've already had one 'D'P impinge on your hobby, does he not trust you?

[redexpat]

I think you need to have a calm discussion about what his problem is exactly. Does he feel threatened by tge instructor? Or does he feel that it is taking you away from him for too much time? I hate myself for saying this but i feel a bit abandoned by dh if he is out more than one night a week.

[CheeseBuster]

Well instructors don't normally have you on FB or send personal messages so I think you may be too involved. It sounds like a part time job rather than a hobby where you just show up to class when it suits life.

[SquirrelSwarm]

He sounds a controlling tosser, tbh. I wouldn't, however, dream of touching my phone and checking messages in bed after a steamy sex session. It's not very considerate, is it?
Does your DP have any reason not to trust you?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Well, four hours a week isn't a big deal. If you go regularly to the same sessions and that's it, then there's not much else to say is there. You turn up, train, go home. The end.

So why the messages and uncertainty about when you're training? Why does the instructor need to be messaging you at all? You turn up to your regular session, or you don't. If there's a need to let him know in advance about absence, the onus is on you to do that.

Having said that, is it just because the instructor is a man? Jealousy is a very worrying characteristic.

Time commitment is a reasonable concern though, especially if it is creeping up, encroaching into your other time and preventing or intruding upon you doing things together.

Maybe don't take your phone to bed? What can be so urgent it can't wait until morning? Anything truly urgent and you'd hear a call from another room.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

I do a sport (running) and have a lot of club members, including some of the run leaders, as FB friends, so I don't think that's unusual at all. I also don't think twice a week training is excessive. The problem here isn't your involvement in the sport; the problem is your DPs attitude. He's already making you feel bad because you have something in your life that he's not involved in, which when you think about it logically, is pathetic. Don't capitulate to him and let him spoil this for you, otherwise I can see history repeating itself.

[FfingFreezin]

I use my phone as an alarm to get me up in a morning.

I didn't actually check the phone, DP heard it go off and asked me who was messaging so late at night so I had to look (If I refused it would have looked even worse!).

I don't know, I can see his point, I'd be pissed off if some woman was messaging him late at night. That bit I can understand.

[AMumInScotland]

If you are honest with yourself, do you think you are getting over-involved again? Is that something that you tend to do?

A hobby that you do twice a week, 4 hours max doesn't sound unreasonable. But why does your trainer need to message you asking when you'll be training? What is making your partner feel you are getting too involved, is it the hours, the frequency, or just a feeling that your 'love' is going towards this hobby?

You may have picked another jealous man. Or you may genuinely be someone who gets overinvested in things and not realise that it isn't just a hobby, but a way of life that is more important to you than other things. I don't think we can judge which.

[FfingFreezin]

I've only just started back so it's not that I'm getting over involved again. I'm only doing the regular training sessions. I do occasionally get tempted to go to extra sessions but if I mention DP says no so I don't.

I think it's the messaging that is bothering him maybe. I think if it wasn't for that he wouldn't have started getting paranoid. There is nothing dodgy in the messages though and it's facebook, not texting or anything more personal. DP can go on my facebook anytime, it's automatically logged in at all times.

[mynewpassion]

His feelings about the instructor might be valid just as some women feeling that another woman liking their partner more than a friend.

A message at midnight is a bit off.

[maleenteringfemalefacilities]

"encourages me to socialise, even offering to pick me up, drop me off, take my friends home etc etc."
"I do occasionally get tempted to go to extra sessions but if I mention DP says no so I don't."

I know I'm cherry picking from your posts but I don't like the sound of either of these - is he controlling your social life but dressing it up as "concern" for you? I'd be having a good look at this if I were you - is there a chance he has the same traits as your previous partner but because they are less evident/less strong, you haven't realised?

[yellowdinosauragain]

I briefly did karate. Turning up regularly is a big part of the discipline of it (and part of why I stopped as that didn't fit with my life) especially if you want to progress up through the belts. So the instructor getting in touch about when the op would be at training is no biggy, imho.

The issue is why your dp is so jealous. And you need to ask him. Because there may be something simple or a misunderstanding. If there isn't then I'd think long and hard about whether I wanted to be with sometime who had an issue with me having a hobby.

[waitingfor3]

Karate can easily be a huge time commitment. But, if you are sticking two 2 training sessions a week (enough to improve) that sounds reasonable.
You've just restarted so are probablt talking about it a lot (?) But he really should trust you. FB is fairly non personal (unless someone makes it that way). I think he's overreacting. Perhaps if the club has a social event you could get him to meet people? Karate is great for meeting a diverse range of people, maybe he feels it's secretive somehow.
Definitely ask him to explain what his problem is. Maybe he'll see he's not thought it through.

[yellowdinosauragain]

Cross posted...

Or whether I wanted to be with someone who I needed to ask for permission before doing something (unless you're relying on him for childcare which would be different)

[abitwrong123]

I wouldn't be worried at all actually about the trainer messaging at midnight.
I run my own business and often work late into the night sending emails and replying to enquiries from my website simply because I am out on site all day every day, therefore admin gets dones when it can be done.

Please don't stop your hobby for your partner. I did this for may years and am really regretting the things I could have done but didn't because of someone elses insecurities. A decent partner would be supportive of something that made you happy and healthier. 4 hours a week is not at all excessive.

[AnnieLobeseder]

You have an excellent taste in hobbies (I do karate too) and very poor taste in men. The fact that either of your partners had any issue at all with you training in a sport, and bleated about instructors "fancying you" means they are insecure, jealous and controlling and you are well rid of your first XP, and should be considering getting rid of your current one.

[Hairtodaygonetomorrow]

So what if the karate teacher did like you, can you not fend off advances by yourself?

I don't like the sound of this either, as far as I am concerned, my life is my own and I do hobbies/activities as I please, so does my husband unless there was some very very good reason to curtail this- such as not spending enough time with the children.

I don't get how he gets to determine what you do or if your hobby is too dominant in your lives. You sound reasonable, he sounds jealous and restricting.

The phone message was probably left earlier, he was the one running to see who it was, not you. This says it all.

He does sound similar to your ex from the stuff about socialising- why would he need to be 'encouraging' you and taking you places, surely you just let him know when you are going and then you go. My husband doesn't 'encourage' me to have friends, or 'let' me do hobbies- I just do them. What you are describing sounds odd to me.

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

I'm with maleenteringfemalefacilities, the comments about how your DP controls that is not good, and it's completely crazy to get annoyed at someone sending you a message. Of course you should do as much karate as you want, and as involved as you want to be, he sounds odd...

[Sparks1007]

Oh my days. Your partner sounds like a right pain. I have male friends who message at various times and I message them. Doesn't mean we fancy each other.

I go to a gym class twice a week. I'd be gutted if my partner started to control it. Quite the opposite. He encourages me to go when I can't be bothered. That's a healthy relationship. I have a black belt in kung fu and if I could find a class here I'd start again and do as much as possible and my husband would support it 100% because he likes to see me happy and feeling good. Encouraging each other to be healthy and happy is a good thing. 4 hrs a week is really not much time at all.

[pointythings]

I think he's massively overreacting. It's completely normal these days for sports clubs to have FB pages and handle much of their interaction in that way. You need to think very seriously about whether you two have a future together if he is this controlling about a hobby so early on in your relationship. I used to train 8+ hours a week for my sport (fencing) and it was never an issue, because DH trusted me. When I still competed, he'd have DD1 overnight if I needed to go away for competition. This is called trust - your DP needs to develop some, or ship out.

[Miggsie]

It sounds like your partner only wants you to do things he approves of and can control.


I'd seriously review your relationship - and I encourage you to buy and read Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?" about controlling men and their tactics because your DH sounds like a classic controller to me.

[BOFster]

It totally unreasonable to throw a strop about the instructor fancying you, or to "say no" to your choice of how to spend your time (unless you've got kids together and are opting out of too much family life). I'd fuck him off.

[26Point2Miles]

Don't give up your sport op. Please don't. It's a really good example you are setting for your dc.

[BOFster]

DP, not DH, thankfully, Miggsie. And it doesn't sound like she's been unfortunate to have children with him, so just a PITA boyfriend really. Get rid.

[Hatespiders]

No-one has the right to decide for you what hobbies you have and what amount of time you devote to them. I see this as very controlling and possessive. I wouldn't dream of getting permission from my dh about something I wanted to do, nor he from me.
Stand your ground and don't give up/curtail the karate.
You're not joined at the hip and can have freedom to do separate things.
I have an idea this is the thin edge of a very irritating and restrictive wedge.
You'll feel stifled eventually.